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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Looking for some perspective

30 replies

KitKat84 · 21/09/2017 19:53

I don't know what to do about my relationship right now. I don't know if it's worth saving and if I need to adjust my expectations or if it's his behaviour. Sometimes I feel like shitty relationships become the norm and I don't know whether that's what's happening here.

I have been with my other half for 15 years, we have 3 children together. He owns his own business and works bloody hard on a physical job which includes doing all his own admin and managing staff.
I work 26 hours a week and do all the housework, running of the house, taking the kids everywhere and everything else.
Our relationship hasn't been without its troubles, he's had 2 affairs and we had a big separation 4 years ago but obviously sorted it out.
I don't know if the issues we had ever got resolved though and there's a lot of underlying resentment and grudges on both sides.
He says I'm unemotional and show him no affection. He's right, I am like that but I didn't use to be. I'm not sure whether my lack of affection is down to me, him, or the fact we still have underlying issues that we haven't the time or energy to address.
Her can get very stressed and angry. We had an argument this evening over a very small issue about my daughter's reading book and my son's timetable. It really wasn't even a big issue. But it built up to him really yelling at me and he called me a "fucking cunt" in front of the children.
I haven't spoken to him since and he's sulking upstairs. He said that I was speaking to him with an attitude. He's right, I was but I was mimicking his tone and attitude (not very mature, I know). He has a tendency to shout at people, as if his opinion is all that matters and when people shout back, he doesn't like it.
His business takes a lot out of him and he works too much. It's not helping his stress levels but he won't cut back and I do not have the time to regularly help him with admin although I do bits now and again if I have some free time.
We have no quality family time, don't take holidays which last longer than 4 days due to his business and he really has no involvement in family life. I think that's where the argument came from this evening as he stated he was just trying to involve himself and give his opinion but wouldn't let me explain the original issue before he jumped to completely the wrong point and started shouting at me.
I'm so exhausted from it all.
Would love some perspective.... I feel like there's a lot more I can add but 15 years is a long time and I don't even know what's relevant anymore.

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 21/09/2017 20:06

Suspect you're going to get a lot of LTBs. Sounds like there is no benefit to you in this relationship, and on top of that, your DP is abusive, and abusive in front of the DC. Get your ducks in a row I'd say.

Original poster
KitKat84 · 21/09/2017 20:11

Yes I really don't think it's as simple as LTB. Everyone gets stressed and angry. I did only this morning when I was late taking the kids to school and then stepped in dog shit right outside my house. I then barked at the kids to get in the car and huffed and puffed like a crazy woman. We all lose our rags and I think his main issue is stress but if he refuses to pull back on the business a bit then what can we do? The whole point of him setting up on his own was to free up more time for family :(

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 21/09/2017 20:13

I would be looking at what it was telling my daughter, that someone calls a woman a fucking cunt and stays married to them.

Apileofballyhoo · 21/09/2017 20:18

Yes I can see that we all shout in rage every now and then, but I generally manage not to call people fucking cunts. If I do shout at someone I usually apologise and explain myself in the hope they'll forgive me. I never tell them it's their fault for having an attitude. Usually it's mine for being tired or stressed and therefore easily irritated. But I know this and take steps to remedy.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 21/09/2017 20:18

I couldn't come back from that abusive language in front of my children, it's so far from ok.

Probably not helpful to you but affairs, anger etc. It's a toxic mess isn't it?

Apileofballyhoo · 21/09/2017 20:20

By the way I'd be very stressed if my DH was calling me a fucking cunt in front of my DS. My DS would be terrified.

Teabay · 21/09/2017 20:25

My ex called me this - it was the final straw for me. I divorced him.

It seems like you might be dying from a thousand paper cuts. They don't bleed as much but they'll kill you on the end.

Aggression in front of DC? Not ok. Social care could see this as you not protecting them from witnessing verbal abuse. How will you feel when their teacher talks to you about it? It might only be then that you accept that it is unacceptable.

Good luck.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2017 21:17

The way you two speak to each other in front of your children is inexcusable and so damaging. This is the example they have for forming their own relationships as adults. What would you tell your daughter to do if her future partner called her a "fucking cunt" in front of your grandchildren? Would you think she should stay in such a horrible relationship? I certainly hope not.

You both either need to get your shit together and learn how to communicate or you need to separate.

Desmondo2016 · 21/09/2017 21:18

Are you really looking for perspective or has he ground you down so fucking much that you are actually hoping someone's response will help you carry on justifying his awful behaviour. He sounds like a grade A top drawer knobbing twat to be honest. And no-one ever would call me that in front of my kids and still be there ten minutes later. Mind you, sounds like you were happy to argue in front the kids too so maybe the whole set up is just tragically dysfunctional?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 21/09/2017 21:23

What's the benefit of being married to him? I can only see downsides, no upsides.

You say he doesn't have time for family but he made time in his busy schedule for two affairs (that you know of).

I'm not seeing the big attraction to being married to him tbh.

Jgwz · 21/09/2017 21:31

Maybe you just need some support to do what you know you need/want to do? X

Original poster
KitKat84 · 21/09/2017 21:33

We don't tend to argue in front of the children tbh. Tonight's argument was out of the blue and stemmed from something so insignificant. Usually if I feel like an argument is brewing in front of the children, I'll shut it down and wait till we don't have an audience and have had some time to reflect on it. I reacted wrongly to this one as it was just so absurd.

The affairs happened a few years ago so not since he set up his business.

I am taking comments on board. I suppose I'm just trying to find a way to fix this if we can. A separation is a whole can of worms that didn't end well last time and if we can salvage our relationship, then I'd like to try.

The language was inexcusable though. I agree. His language is generally dire though and it's one of our issues (appropriate language in children's earshot....)

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2017 · 21/09/2017 21:38

The language is a massive issue, I'm guessing he wouldn't call a policeman or a shop assistant a fucking cunt to their face?
It shows such disrespect to the people he should care about the most.

pallasathena · 21/09/2017 22:32

A relationship like this isn't a relationship...its more or less something else to 'Put up with', in a life that's devoid of joy, happiness, mutual understanding and a committed, meaningful future .
Why bother....?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2017 22:48

Your husband has had multiple affairs, you scream horrible things to each other in front of your kids, you can't communicate... He is angry and shouts all the time, and you are unemotional and have no affection for him. Why be married? This just sounds like a nightmare, and I fear that you are so desensitized to all of this you're unable to see how much damage it's doing to your children.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 21/09/2017 22:51

Oh no OP. I feel for you. Getting a bit cross, frustrated, that's OK, normal, in a relationship.

Calling you a f* c*? No that's OK. Not at all. That level of aggression is scary, uncontrolled, nasty.

In front of the kids? They will be scared of him. This is an atmosphere of fear he's created. It doesn't matter how nice he is at other times.

Think about it this way. How would his behavior to you look in a cafe? Or by the school gates? Or at work? In a shop?

If it's not alright there, it isn't alright behind closed doors. Think of how you want your children to grow up.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 21/09/2017 23:04

What has he suggested to salvage the relationship?

Why was separation bad last time?

Original poster
KitKat84 · 21/09/2017 23:17

He made it very difficult, every step of the way. His mental health suffered a lot and he had what I can only assume was some kind of breakdown. He was very on/off with the children which they found very upsetting and confusing. This was a few years ago and I'm not sure what he'd be like this time.
He knows the relationship is very rocky right now. He isn't being very proactive in looking at how we can improve it as his answer is always on the lines of me showing him more affection. I know that looks awful in black and white but what he means is, if we were kinder to each other and showed more love and affection then things might improve. It's difficult to do that when he refuses to change aspects of himself that also cause the issues (such as the ridiculous work hours, his swearing and emotional support towards me).
I feel that a lot of our issues are just lack of time to spend with each other. We see each other for about 2 hours a day and he's usually so exhausted that he sleeps in that time.
I guess it's become our normal and although this evening was a one off in that the children were present to witness it, it's not what a healthy relationship should be like.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2017 23:39

You are not responsible for his mental health or how he chooses to handle a separation or divorce. Basically, it sounds like he emotionally terrorized you while separated and you took him back to not have to deal with it, and to top it off, he refuses to change his abusive behaviour and the way he speaks to you. If the kids are there to hear it, oh well. He has zero respect for you and I don't think you can possibly have much self-respect, either. Your choice to tolerate this treatment and lifestyle is baffling, especially given the fact that your children are caught in the middle of this horrible dysfunction. You are clearly an intelligent person, so why have you not allowed yourself to champion your own wellbeing and that of your children? And don't use finances as an excuse, because that's all it would be.

Original poster
KitKat84 · 21/09/2017 23:58

I tolerate the bad points because there are plenty of good points. I suppose it's just weighing up whether I should put up with the bad points to benefit from the good ones.

Finances have nothing to do with my decision either way. I may only work 26 hours a week but it's a stable, decent job which I am able to increase my hours at if necessary.

Although it sounds dysfunctional when it's here in black and white, I honestly don't think it is as bad as it appears to be. We don't argue in front of the children really not big blazing rows anyway. This evening was out of the ordinary which is why I posted as I was so shocked that something so small could have escalated into something so huge.

He does shout down to people but he is naturally loud and mouthy.

I think you're right about the separation and a lot of what you said resonated with me, Aquamarine. But I did also take him back because I missed him.

It sounds like I'm trying to gloss over his behaviour and make excuses but I'm honestly just trying to get a balanced point across because it generally takes 2 people to cause issues in a relationship; plus I do love him. I wouldn't still be with him if I didn't.

OP posts:
Worriedrose · 22/09/2017 07:00

There must be an awful atmosphere in your house. Even if your not arguing in front of the children
Honestly 2 affairs?
And you don't really want to have intimacy
And he's a workaholic
I literally cannot see anything in this worth saving, unless you both work your absolute areses off

You'll just have sad children who know something is wrong but can't really understand it.

lasttimeround · 22/09/2017 07:23

It sounds awful. Affairs, arguments, he sounds like a bully with his loud mouthiness. But the nail in the coffin is that he seems to think the solution is that you show him more affection.
Not he needs to make up for underlying shit from his affairs. Or maybe him not shouting or calling you abusive names.
Yes it could be fixable or the may be good points but that's sll irrelevant if you husband can't see his need to change. Thrn all that's left is you minimising how shit it is. You trying to dance to his tune (snd failing inevitably because it can't all come from you)

Open your eyes op.

Kr1s · 22/09/2017 07:33

Well he's told you what the solution is.

You have to give him more sex ( I assume that's what he means by more affection ) and be nicer to him and never complain , even if he neglects you and his kids for money and mistresses. You must never have feelings or react in anger when he shouts and swears at you. You must make no demands on him in any way and always do what he wants, when he wants.

Apileofballyhoo · 22/09/2017 08:22

He has successfully manipulated you into thinking that if you make changes things will get better - reread what the 2 previous posters have said.

He doesn't want to make any changes himself. He obviously has MH problems, but he's never going to change KitKat. It is dysfunctional and you're forcing your DC to live like that. All very well for you to decide to put up with him but it's not fair on them.

We were all scared of my DF growing up and we all have MH issues now, have been abusive relationships, have low self-esteem. Children are powerless and should feel protected and secure. And he never called my DM a fucking cunt in front of us.

lasttimeround · 22/09/2017 09:12

Kit kat- I appreciate you wanting to be balanced and take some of the blame. And in any situation both parties will have some blame. But then reflect that his solution is perfectly unbalanced. It's just you who has to change. You are trying to be fair. He is not.

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