Trying to separate from pa bf of 5yrs- he wants to stay in contact with DD 15

[Tryingtofindme]

Ok, so I signed up here to put this to the people because I'm not sure how much real life experience my counselor has with this.

I've been trying to leave my boyfriend for some time. He's passive aggressive and emotionally difficult. We have a blazing row, he threatens me when I try to end it and then when I'm exhausted he turns on the charm, things are good for a week or so... you know the type. I'm not an angel (constantly reminded of this) but I have 3 children 15,14,12 from a previous relationship and things have been bad for them having to put up with us arguing.

He was working from home while I worked full time in an office so he spent more time with the kids, which was hard for me, I've recently given up work to be with them again because it stressed me out for 4 years and he got a job elsewhere for a more reliable income. Now I've had time to be with the kids alone, it's been great. We relax and enjoy being with each other and it's not tense like it is when he's around. I've explained to him that I don't feel anything for him and it needs to end. He's been calmer- no threats this time or blow ups but he's said he still wants to see my eldest daughter. They've always had an odd emotional connection that unsettles me. He has helped her with bedwetting issues (getting up in the night etc) and she talks to him about things she won't discuss with me? she seems to feel sorry for him...and often sticks up for him but then becomes anxious if she thinks he's annoyed with her. She's borderline ADHD and has developed anxiety- probably not helped by the situation at home. She doesn't have close friends and is quite immature. I will let her decide if she wants to spend time with him but my stomach is in my mouth. Thoughts?... if I tell him he can't see her, he will become the devil incarnate.

I think that you need to separate first. Have a clean break. Have a time apart and then consider what is ok or appropriate. However I'd get some advice and talk sensitively to your daughter about contact.

If he's only asking to see her, she will have too much emotional weight about your separation at a tricky age. And the sorting out her bed wetting at night and weird emotional connection would unsettle me tbh.

I don't like the idea of it one bit TBH. Some bad decisions have been made....don't make any more.

And today he's like the pied piper, total charm offensive. Dad of the year award anyone cos this guys got it all. I'll just sit this one out...

He shouldn't have been giving her intimate care.
This is a difficult situation but I would rather he left and didn't see any of us again. He's volatile and abusive and the thing with your daughter sounds worrying.

Nope. Naddah. The relationship has ended and your DD is in crucial years for developing her own person without the burden of his. She needs a clean break for a while to help separate the relationships in her mind. If in a year or so, she wants to reconnect, then talk about it then but right now, like you, there needs to be a clean break with no blurring of lines. Teenage years are confusing enough without all of this.

I'm still trying to get past the fact that you've just 'given up work' to stay at home.
Sounds like he's played a parental role for 5 years and been the main support for the 15 yr old. Suddenly now that you don't want to be with him, noone else can see him.
Seems unfair to me that you were ok with him doing what you should have done before but now you're not. Why is his support suddenly not ok when it suited you just fine before?
On the face of it, seems like some game playing (she has to like you more) and if you are going to withdraw this support from your dd, you need to do it in a way that isn't going to damage her or your relationship.