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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Trying to separate from pa bf of 5yrs- he wants to stay in contact with DD 15

56 replies

Tryingtofindme · 20/09/2017 10:04

Ok, so I signed up here to put this to the people because I'm not sure how much real life experience my counselor has with this.

I've been trying to leave my boyfriend for some time. He's passive aggressive and emotionally difficult. We have a blazing row, he threatens me when I try to end it and then when I'm exhausted he turns on the charm, things are good for a week or so... you know the type. I'm not an angel (constantly reminded of this) but I have 3 children 15,14,12 from a previous relationship and things have been bad for them having to put up with us arguing.

He was working from home while I worked full time in an office so he spent more time with the kids, which was hard for me, I've recently given up work to be with them again because it stressed me out for 4 years and he got a job elsewhere for a more reliable income. Now I've had time to be with the kids alone, it's been great. We relax and enjoy being with each other and it's not tense like it is when he's around. I've explained to him that I don't feel anything for him and it needs to end. He's been calmer- no threats this time or blow ups but he's said he still wants to see my eldest daughter. They've always had an odd emotional connection that unsettles me. He has helped her with bedwetting issues (getting up in the night etc) and she talks to him about things she won't discuss with me? she seems to feel sorry for him...and often sticks up for him but then becomes anxious if she thinks he's annoyed with her. She's borderline ADHD and has developed anxiety- probably not helped by the situation at home. She doesn't have close friends and is quite immature. I will let her decide if she wants to spend time with him but my stomach is in my mouth. Thoughts?... if I tell him he can't see her, he will become the devil incarnate.

OP posts:

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/09/2017 11:42

But you said you'd been with him five years and your daughter is now 15. She would have been ten at the time - hardly a baby.

And we all like to see the best in people, but surely you know most people would get up with their daughter themselves, rather than have a boyfriend do it?

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 20/09/2017 11:54

Very weird that he used to get up and help her with her bedwetting but that's been and gone now.
I would be uncomfortable with their relationship. Why is he only arsed about her? You already know he's abusive, I'd not be letting him near my vulnerable daughter.

Original poster

Tryingtofindme · 20/09/2017 12:04

She washed herself in the bathroom alone.... he just changed the bed and re-set the alarm. Somewhere in the world there are replacement fathers who do dad stuff- no?

OP posts:

AdalindSchade · 20/09/2017 12:11

A more benign view of his relationship with her is that he's a needy emotionally immature man who gets some needs met by feeling like a 15 year old relies on him for things, especially things she doesn't get from her Mum.
The less benign view is that he's grooming her for sexual abuse.
There isn't really a benign view actually.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/09/2017 12:16

I wouldn't ban her from seeing him, but I would tell him he either sees all of them or none of them.

Then I would love bomb that girl to make sure her emotional needs are met. If you don't do it, he will, from the sound of it.

Offred · 20/09/2017 12:35

Dads don't favour one child over the other and no I think it is very weird and wrong that you would allow a BF to deal with such a private issue with a child who likely had already started puberty...

Offred · 20/09/2017 12:45

That's already been done now though. You may have made some really unwise decisions in the past re him and your daughter. He sounds really creepy and wrong though and that's his responsibility.

What is important is that you don't compound the problem by making more bad decisions now. Since she's 15 you have zero chance of actually preventing him from having contact with her if she is determined.

I'd think the best way is to open up dialogue with her in a sensitive way re the mistakes you've made with boundaries in relation to him and also get her some counselling to deal with her anxiety.

Brown76 · 20/09/2017 12:45

What about suggesting he moves out first and lets the dust settle to give everyone a bit of space for a few weeks? Then give your daughter and your other children time to adjust and think about what they want and how they feel.

XJerseyGirlX · 20/09/2017 12:53

"He's passive aggressive and emotionally difficult. We have a blazing row, he threatens me when I try to end it and all hell will break loose if I try to stop him from seeing her"

Sorry op, I don't mean to be harsh. But your statement above seems as though you are fully aware what he is capable of doing (and to your dd) yet more worried about upsetting him than keeping your daughter from him.

I really am sorry if Im coming across wrong but what makes you think 1: he doesn't want a relationship with her
2: That he wont manipulate her against you, be passive aggressive and controlling with her and threaten her if she doesn't want to see him? Why would you put her at such a vulnerability?

She is your child, not his. It was your relationship not theirs. End it, tell him you think its creepy and your protecting her.

DistanceCall · 20/09/2017 12:59

No, I wouldn't allow him to see your DD. He sounds manipulative, and the relationship would really not be healthy (making his happiness depend on her is really damaging).

Take your DD to therapy so she has someone to talk to. And get rid of this arsehole.

I'm trying to be kind here, but you failed your daughter in the past. Don't fail her now.

Original poster

Tryingtofindme · 20/09/2017 13:58

Thank you all for your comments. Although I feel slightly char-grilled, I appreciate your honesty and feel slightly more empowered to stand up for her- even though she might not want me to. I'll let you know how it goes...

OP posts:

Isetan · 20/09/2017 14:07

What support has your DD received for her suspected ADHA, anxiety and bed wetting? It's time to take a more active interest in her personal life and get her support if she needs it.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/09/2017 14:11

Hmm.

I wouldn't like this at all. Nothing to do with dodgy intentions... but everything to do with other, less bad but still totally inappropriate intentions.

If he were the father of the children, no court/social worker etc. would be happy with the idea that he could pick and choose which child of the family he decided he wanted a relationship with post-split, while ignoring the others. Utterly wrong, un-parent-like, selfish, smacks of being all about him and his needs rather than the good of the child(ren).

Nothing to do with dodgy intentions. Everything to do with him wanting contact for HIS sake: getting emotional validation from the child he is closest to, potentially lining that child up to shoulder emotional responsibility for him and his feelings. Using the child to feel good about himself. All of that is emotionally abusive. Doubly bad that she has siblings he couldn't care less about despite also having been a father figure to them - so, teaching her that parental love isn't unconditional - it's all about being a favourite, 'getting on' with the parent. Bad bad bad wrong wrong wrong.

You can tell him this. If he cared about your DD as a real parental figure then it wouldn't be a problem - because a REAL parent figure would want to maintain contact with all the children - not just the one who makes him feel good and keeps him company. Instead, it's all about him, and is actively bad for your DD, setting a wedge between her and her siblings and building a relationship with her which is more like a confidant and friend and reflects only his emotional needs while disregarding hers.

So no to contact, and if he persists you WILL get social services involved. Not because you believe for a moment that he has any sexual interest in her, but because his actions tell you that contact between them would be utterly inappropriate and abusive in a different way - emotionally.

If he wants to continue in a parental role it would be sanctioned as a full part of family life and involve all the children.

Your DD is not a toy.

Original poster

Tryingtofindme · 20/09/2017 14:16

She's been seeing a doctor for the bed-wetting which did stop for a while about a year ago with the use of an alarm, she's also been referred at school and the school have recommended meds. She also had some counselling through school but they said she was fine and discharged her. It's not that I'm not taking an active interest, but I'm also trying to tread a very fine line between her right to choose and choosing what's best for her. If she's anything like me at her age she'll do what she wants regardless of well-meaning advice and I don't want to push her further away towards him!

OP posts:

Original poster

Tryingtofindme · 20/09/2017 14:20

Fizzy- thank you for your comment. I have so much self doubt and emotion about this, i've really struggled to stick a pin in it and you just nailed it. Thank you thank you thank you!

OP posts:

XJerseyGirlX · 20/09/2017 14:44

Agree with Fizzy, say NO CONTACT and tell him upfront if he persists will get social services / police involved as not sure of intentions

I agree, your dd is not a toy

FizzyGreenWater · 20/09/2017 14:51

The thing is, you leave him with nowhere to go by pointing all this out.

'No I feel like her dad, of course I want to be there for her etc'

'If that's the case then you'll be equally worried about losing contact with the others. A real parent loves all their children. You would want to see them all equally. Good parents don't have favourites'

'It's not like that, I don't get on with the others, they don't want to see me'

'Good parenting isn't about getting on with children, it's about supporting and living them regardless'

'I do love DD and support her'

'Then there would be no way you'd want to give her the message that some children are more important than others by singling her out and ignoring her siblings. That's very destructive. You wouldn't want that for her if you really cared about her welfare'

Etc.!

CoyoteCafe · 20/09/2017 15:00

No, I wouldn't allow it. At the very least, he has personality problems that make him an unhealthy influence in her life. For all the reasons that you want him out of your life, he should be out of hers as well.

Work to meet her needs in other ways that are truly healthy and in her best interest.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 20/09/2017 17:31

I think all the children are old enough to make their own decisions, and as the younger two have no interest in seeing him, why would he force the issue?

Your 15yo wants to remain in contact with him, he wants to remain in contact with her, and they obviously have a close relationship. In a few short years, she'll be an adult and capable of deciding for herself anyway. I think the best thing you can do is support her and guide her - blocking contact with someone who has clearly helped and supported her over the past 5 years isn't going to help.

DistanceCall · 20/09/2017 19:34

RonSwanson:

The other two children are fed up with his unpredictability and have switched off, he knows and isn't interested in seeing them. His own family don't visit. He cared for his mother until she died and genuinely feels alone in the world, so I think he's clinging on to the one person who does care still but she's only 15 and he can be very controlling/difficult.

CoyoteCafe · 20/09/2017 19:36

Ron, the man in question is passive aggressive and emotionally difficult. He is highly skilled at manipulating women. This is the last thing a fragile 15 year old needs. He'll just screw with her head.

Further contact with such a man will serve to lay down a lifetime of that poor girl not knowing the difference between being loved and being used and controlled.

HeebieJeebies456 · 20/09/2017 19:50

Stop dithering woman!

Tell him it's over - no negotiations.
Give him notice to move out by X date - preferably asap given his obsession and interest in your daughter.

He's going to be a stranger in your lives soon and given his controlling nature - there is absolutely no way you should be encuraging your dd to keep in contact with him.

Get rid of him NOW before he gets any further inside your dd's head.
He will use her trust in him to drive a wedge between the two of you.
He will increase his grooming of her to get his hooks in.

Strangers on the internet are telling you there are some serious red flags here and not to be so complacent.
You need to ask yourself - "why would a grown man, who's been told they are no longer romantically or sexually desired - insist on staying around?
He's using this 'extra time' to get closer to your dd.

You were not as attentive to her needs when she was younger - don't make that mistake again.

thegirlupnorth · 20/09/2017 19:52

You're a package, they're a package, if they want to continue seeing him let them, the novelty will soon wear off!

RoseOfSharyn · 20/09/2017 20:00

Sorry to de-rail slightly, but I would take her to the GP and DEMAND that she be referred to a physio for her bedwetting.

My incontinence started at 14. I'm now 29, 3 kids, and am awaiting surgery as I need to use tena pads constantly.

It could be psychological, but it could also be her body relaxing during sleep and relaxing her pelvic floor muscles.

Hope everything works out OP.

Notearsgoodbye · 20/09/2017 20:38

What if he sees her regularly and then wants overnight contact? I don't think that would be appropriate in the context you give.

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