Made mistake - how do I come back

[teaandcakeat8]

Met guy online, he seemed keen. I had too much alcohol and slept with him on the second date. After that he seemed gradually less keen and last week I asked if I was wasting my time. He said he didn't have time for a relationship and we agreed to keep it casual. I'm not sure if I'm really into him anyway.

Tonight I was feeling down about being single. We were messaging and I asked what I had done wrong and if it was because I slept with him too soon that he lost interest.

His response implied he thinks I'm crazy for even bringing it up. I think I've ruined the fwb and feel stupid and humiliated.

How do I now retain my dignity and get my confident back?

@teaandcake. Sorry you misread my comment as if my advice should represent that for all men. What I meant was don't just listen to women. Ask some men you trust. This man's view is X. Other men may say Y, Z or W.

As for the comments against my post, including the abuse for me not being bright or a product of the 50s. They have no idea who I am nor you. I rather like people putting their own preconceptions on my words. "Be independent but not too much that you don't appear to want a relationship at all" is another way of reading my words that someone thinks mean "be a submissive 50s wife". Methinks this says more about the responder and their own issues than anything about my views.

Most important thing is to ignore what you don't think is sensible but listen to all voices to get a range of alternatives. A few have put things more clearly than me. Some even appear to agree which given the rudeness on here was cheering.

Above all don't beat yourself up about past mistakes. They are learning experiences and when you meet a potential partner you have lessons to stop you doing things wrong.

@morherinferior. There is indeed a movie with Jeff Daniels and Emma Thompson called funny guy where Emma Thompson has exactly that strategy. Go to bed with someone early to see if they are any good to avoid all the expense. Not sure myself as practice makes perfect.

WiseDad - you'll find a lot of the 'putting preconceptions on your words' round here. I wouldn't take it personally at all. Though yes annoying when it happens.

Moth-er InFERIOR!!!!

It's more than likely because he got what he was after op.

You had consensual sex, why would you think you did anything wrong? He sounds like a bit of a game player and it's better to know that sooner rather than later. However, if you aren't up for casual, don't sign up for it.

WiseDad No, no no. You did not say "be independent but not too much that you don't appear to want a relationship at all" (NB don't use quote marks for non-quotes), you said:

Be flirtatious but don't go too far. Excite by being interesting and passionate about something but not about him. Do be independent minded and talk about your plans for trips, experiences, career or whatever but don't be so independent that he can't see a place alongside you

Ie don't be so independent that you intimidate him into thinking you don't need him or he can't see how he could be with you. That's not the same thing as not appearing to want a relationship - which if you're dating it's clear you do.

It wasn't speficially the independence line that I was labelling submissive - it was the whole sorry paragraph. Whenever women are asked to change themselves to suit a man, to portray an image of what a man might want to see - that is a kind of submission. Men don't expect to change themselves to attract women, they just pitch up in jeans.

If you come across as more or less independent than you are, if you reign in or ramp up your flirting, what happens when reality bites? The relationship falls apart because you're not the person he thought you were, he was dating a facade.

If you want relationships to work out - be yourself, don't put on an act, and don't play games. And don't take advice from a man who's never dated a man in his life.

The way i see it is;

If i dated a woman and i felt that there was a long term future in it It'd matter not if we had sex on the first date or the 50th!.

Sex is important, but its not the be all and end all of a relationship and a relationship cannot be built on sexual attraction alone. I had a brief affair a while ago with a much younger woman. I'm single and so was she no one else involved to get hurt. Whilst it was some of the best sex I've ever known and she did things that some blokes only dream about it could not and has not turned into anything more.

I don't think for most people there are any hard and fast rules except to say that if he is really into you he'll wait a while before DTD day dawns;)

Otherwise;

Tender virgins shun deceivers ;-)

If i dated a woman and i felt that there was a long term future in it It'd matter not if we had sex on the first date or the 50th!.

Quite.

awwwww @teaandcakeat8 - big hugs xxxx

When did you last speak to him or text him? When did you last see him? How many times have you had sex now?

Of course you can have sex on the first/second/third date and still marry the guy. The reason why you shouldn't is because it's just easier to weed out the guys who are not serious about you and just looking for some fun (sex). They tend to disappear after a couple of dates.

Imo it's best to have a friend with benefits to keep you satisfied while you go on dates with men to get to know them.

It worked for me.

In some ways it is, but committed players who enjoy the chase will be happy to chase you for ages.

Another way to find out if someone is serious about you and see if they bugger off.

^Meant to say "shag them and see if they bugger off"

I've been for a twenty mile run today which has really helped clear my head. I'm feeling much better about the situation - I think I just need to cut contact now. This time next week I'm sure I will have forgotten all about it.

Why do you think that you did something wrong, rather than that he was never really interested in (or "never really had time for") a relationship?

I think that what you are doing wrong is assuming that if you do the right things you can turn every first date into a relationship.

Most men you meet, either you will not be into them, or they will not be into you, or you will not want the same thing. In all of these cases there is nothing you can do wrong, because it's impossible to "do it right".

Can I just say to the cliche 'practice makes perfect': maybe if you really need the practice...

Speaking as a man, I'd disagree with WiseDad.
Far too much of a generalisation. Some men are driven by competition, some just want someone nice to be with.

Speaking as a man

God, I hated using that phrase. Didn't know how else to say it.

God, I hated using that phrase. Didn't know how else to say it.

Speaking as a woman I will allow you to use that phase in this context. What you are doing is being the example that disproves the 'rule' that all men are nobbers. If you only use it to disprove sexism as a woman I will allow it. Can't speak for the other few billion women of course.

I think it was important to point out how much you hated the phrase :o

Speaking as a chinchilla, I agree. And there's different kinds of competition. Some men are competitive in their love/sexlife. Some may be competitive in the workplace and/or in sports, but that doesn't translate into their relationships. The same goes for women.

Glad youre feeling better op. That's the main thing. You said you werent even that bothered about him anyway. When you meet the right person you wont feel this way! X

I've been for a twenty mile run today which has really helped clear my head

Blimey you must be well fit Tea & Cakes;)

Its OK to say speaking as a Man - Woman with usernames that have a high ambiguity index nowt wrong at all.

'Tho perhaps from a male POV?