Differences in attitude to money- is it enough to leave over?

[Russiantoffee]

Changed name and will try to keep it short. Married 20 years 2 DC, DS away at uni, DD about to enter the last 2 years of school. DD is ASD and has had a lifetime of anxiety and mental health stuff. She is in quite a good place at the moment but becomes incredibly anxious if there is any marital conflict.
DH and I have lots in common- read the same books, enjoy each other's company, laugh at the same things, similar education and interests, close to each other's families and good sex life.
However we have completely different views on money and this has simmered away throughout our marriage. DH is very 'live for today', borrow for stuff we need, everything will be OK. He does not want to get old before he spends money on himself, as he saw his parents (now deceased) do. He says he is responsible because he has always worked full time and put all his earnings into our joint account. He inherited a good sum of money from his parents and has refused to invest it. It is currently sitting against our mortgage, not quite enough to pay it off.. We have had a wonderful family holiday with it and he has bought a few treats for himself (an elderly sports car).

I have a much more conservative view towards money, don't mind going without if it is for a bigger financial goal, and want more than anything to establish financial security for our dc. However we consistently outspend our income and I can see the inheritance dwindling down.

To avoid a dripfeed, I came into the marriage with more assets, but have not worked full-time since DC were born. I have carved out a good professional career but do not earn as much as DH and have always worked either 3 or 4 days. Now the DC are getting older I am getting caught up in care for my elderly mother who lives in another city.
DH is completely generous towards me - if I said 'I never want to work again, or I want a diamond ring, or to study in New York' he would immediately say 'go for it'. However we can't actually afford to live like this.
So at the moment I go about my daily life trying to save and cut costs and he goes about running them up.
A recent example. He needed a new phone. Went to a phone shop and came out having been upsold a new plan for our home internet, cable tv, incredibly expensive new tablet etc. Our monthly bill is now massively more. None of this was discussed with me.This keeps on giving because each month when the phone bill arrives I feel the same wave of fury.

I see him as flakey and wild with money and he sees me as a killjoy. I feel so tired of this and am beginning to consider how it would work if we separated. Then I think of the anguish this would cause the DC and my elderly mother etc. Running 2 households would leave us both worse off and I would probably have to work full-time. So do I suck it up and stay because it is mostly OK, leave and cause a lot of family pain, or continue to stay and feel infuriated?

Perhaps you could both talk to a financial advisor and try to reach a middle ground.

His inheritance is his to spend as he sees fit. And you can't provide financial security for your children - you can make things a bit easier for them, but security? No.

OP - do you have savings & pensions in place because it is obviously relevant against the amount of inheritance in question? How much is left of your mortgage?

If you are anything like me, you would definitely have savings & pensions in place. I suspect that your need for financial security is set at a much higher level than his.

It is a matter of perception. Your DH is hardly gambling it away! Most of it is offsetting your mortgage so presumeably in an instant access savings pot. I'm frugal by nature but even I am thinking, he's splurged on a more expensive monthly media package (definitely a luxury) but if his inheritance was say £100k, that's hardly blowing it all! Give him a break! How much was the ageing sports car? It's all relative to the inheritance amount plus what your current financial status is surely?

Pallisers No inheritances in our case but personally, we have a large financial cushion plus a negligible mortgage. The definition of 'large' financial cushion is different between DH & I. In our relationship, I am fortunate that he is less bothered about spending than I am about saving/investing so it's a win/win in my eyes. In times of conflict, I have heard "killjoy" bandied about too!

OP - if you are being detached about it, is there really no compromise? Is his inheritance considered joint family money or not? What exactly has your DH planned for it? Is the lack of plans which frustrate you? The fear that you/he would fritter it on life's little luxuries and you/he would have nothing to show for it (apart of lovely experiences/memories/stuff which gives him daily pleasure).

Are we talking £10K here or £100k? How about saving/paying down the mortgage with 30% of it? Or even 10% of the amount?

Pallisers No inheritances in our case but personally, we have a large financial cushion plus a negligible mortgage.

so if you blew an inheritance, it wouldn't be reckless. But it MAY be reckless for someone with no savings, a mortgage and a minimal pension to blow an inheritance. And blowing it when OP, your spouse, is saving hard, knowing you can rely on her savings/pension eventually, isn't great for the relationship.

Also - and I recognise this is my particular attitude toward inheritance - I feel a certain duty not to blow the money my parents struggled hard to accumulate in their lifetime (through paying a mortgage/keeping a house up). I didn't get an enormous amount from my parents (maybe around 50 US pounds) but it was significant and half of the fruits of their work over two entire lifetimes. I bought a painting that had some significance to me (artist loved by my dad) and saved the rest - maybe for my children.

I appreciate not everyone feels like this. DH would be pretty much on the same page as me. The OP and her dh aren't on the same page and this is going to cause problems unless they sit down and deal with it - agree a financial advisor/counsellor might be a good idea. But I don't think the people telling her it isn't her business, it is his money, she should lighten up etc. are really getting that this will affect their relationship one way or the other unless they deal with it.

No he is not gambling. But every month we spend more than we earn. The inheritance is being used to enable us to live as if we were richer than we are. There may well come a time when it is more or less gone with nothing to show other than some nice experiences. That time might be when we would like to be able to give our DC help towards a house deposit, or repaying student loans.
I have had a patchier work career due to interruptions for DC so do not have a great pension plan. DH's is currently good but is attached to his academic career ( long saga) and universities here are starting to make noises that they may not be able to pay out at the levels expected.
I know if we go and sit down with a financial adviser DH will make all the right noises. Then if something catches his eye in a week or so he will buy it without realising that consistently overspending is going to have a long term impact.
There is no financial plan. If I utter the word budget he just shuts down.

peterpan - i had to double check your post to make sure it wasn't me !
I too drive a now 10 year old Focus that DH is desperate for me to replace so he can have the excitement of helping me pick a new car. Meanwhile from my perspective it passed it's MOT with no work needing done, my bike fits in the boot and I've already got the winter tyres on ( meant to change this Spring but never got round to it) so I'm quite happy to stick with it.

DH is giving a 2 year leasing deal a go - I encouraged him as no point buying as he always gets bored with a car within a couple of years anyway- so this will suit him and hopefully not cost more than currently.

More thoughts - this is cheaper than therapy and I am finding everyone's responses really helpful.
The elderly sports car - I really engaged with the hunt for this, helped make it fun, helped DH think about what he was really looking for, trawled through the net with him researching and went for test drives on sunny days with the top down. I did not question how much he spent on it - he came up with a short list and decided on the one he wanted. I do struggle with it philosophically - I hate from an environmental point of view the fact that we are a family with 2 drivers and 3 cars. I groan a bit inwardly when it needs expensive repairs and tax/insurance bills come around. But I respect that love of quirky cars was a huge bond between DH and his dad and this means a lot to him.
Long para basically saying I am not a bad killjoy person!

The thing that strikes me is that you have a concern about finances, so you focus on how you can change his behaviour (spending) rather than focus on your own (upping your hours to full-time).

I'm not saying that the person who works longer hours gets to make all the financial decisions, but there's something that makes me uncomfortable in you trying to change him and not thinking about potential making changes yourself.

It is his inheritance, so I believe it is really up to him how he spends it. If he chooses to share some with you and family, that is generous.

What plans do you have for your future ?

What plans do you have for your childrens future ?

Personally, I dont want to be really old and have lots of money in the bank and look back and think that I wish I had done x, y z. I would rather have the memories of sharing experiences with people, travelling, doing things that I enjoy

I would suggest that you investigate how much your own personal pension will pay out at retirement and when you plan to stop working.
I would suggest looking at your own savings, planning and investments, before you start saying that you will invest alot into your childrens future
The reality may be a bit of a shock !

Secondly, I know someone who talked about buying a vintage car to enjoy with their partner in retirement, but kept coming up with endless excuses why they were unable to do this.(funds were available)
The partner sadly died and there was suddenly nobody to enjoy the days out, the fun times together
If you had all the money in the world, you could not buy that time back again

It is his inheritance, so I believe it is really up to him how he spends it. If he chooses to share some with you and family, that is generous.

Yes it's his choice but who wouldn't want to share it? We've had windfalls and I never not cut my DH half because I'd feel very uncomfortable with our positions not being equal within our partnership.

This isn't 'generous' it's respect and love within an equal partnership.

We have always had all money as joint, since our early days when I earned more than he did and also liquidated my investments to enable me to have a year at home with DC2.
I always though joint money was one of the founding principles of our marriage.
Fair point that I could be full time and earn more. Our DD has a high number of health appointments and I have an elderly mother an hour's flight away who I try to see once a month, so I do really use that extra not working time.