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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I marry him?

33 replies

linda30 · 18/09/2017 23:37

I've been with my fiancé for 3 years now and we have a DD. I didn't go into the relationship madly in love as was badly burnt by previous experience of abusive ex, my DP knew about this and was happy to give me time. Fast forward to now - I love DP with what I feel is close to mature love. It is a feeling that is calm, trusting and caring. We have a wedding venue booked for next year, my mom is really pushing for this to happen (she's very conservative and thinks since I'm 33 and we have a DD we should just get married) - but my DP is depressed, he is nice to me and spends all his time with me, but it's not really couple time as you might imagine. Mostly we sit next to each other in the living room watching telly when DD sleeps. If I want to discuss something we watch on telly he usually just listens but has no comments, therefore killing any chance for a resemblance of joy in a day to day life. He rarely has much to say about anything at all. We have sex maybe once in two months, he seems to have little to no desire for me, we even sleep in different beds (he snores.) He's also started to be weird with finances lately, I won't go into detail but it basically started to look more like mine vs yours rather than we are a team. He'd rather have me sabotage my health and wellbeing than give me any financial support beyond what's been agreed before DD arrived. This doesn't seem very caring to me.

I would normally think with these behaviours he must be unhappy and maybe getting ready to exit the relationship. I even suggested we split up a couple of times but he says no (and was upset I might take his child) he seems to want to go ahead with the wedding etc.

On the other hand some days I feel I'm really lucky since he's always at home with me, doesn't go out with mates drinking, has no addictions, earns a good salary, looks quite handsome, he is caring to some extent (although even my dad commented he is now more loving towards DD than me, and less loving toward me than when they met him.) He calls me every day from work and replies to any calls or messages immediately. He does house chores and takes care of DD when he can.

I don't know if I'm just being immature and spoilt, and I should just accept that no one is perfect and get on with it or should I postpone this wedding and try to make things better somehow? Or just quit the relationship? He has many positive traits but there is just absolutely no spark or simple joy of being together.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/09/2017 23:43

You obviously aren't ready to end it. It wouldn't be the worst idea to get married for the financial protection if he's starting to be a dick about money.

Unmarried, with DC, I hope you haven't become a SAHM.

Sod the venue though. Registry office soon, couple of witnesses, nice meal out afterwards. Job done.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/09/2017 23:44

If I were you I'd just end it. You make good co-parents but shit romantic partnered.

PashPash · 18/09/2017 23:45

absolutely no spark or simple joy of being together.

Then you know the answer already don't you.

If you have to ask....

Penguins333 · 18/09/2017 23:46

If you have to come on an internet chat forum to ask if you should get married - you probably shouldn't get married. Sorry op.

LellyMcKelly · 18/09/2017 23:46

You already know you don't want to marry him. This is the best of your life with him. It will not get better.

toffeeapple123 · 18/09/2017 23:48

Is it worth trying relationship counselling?

Original poster
linda30 · 18/09/2017 23:53

@toffeeapple123 Yes, we both go to therapy separately at the moment and my therapist suggested we have a joint session. I'd be happy with a simple life and not looking for some mad over the top love (that's always ended in tears for me in the past)

OP posts:
toffeeapple123 · 18/09/2017 23:56

Did you ever feel that spark with him? Perhaps some therapy can help re-ignite it? Either way, I think it's worth you guys doing some joint sessions. Also, what is your social life like? Do you go out together/separately? Sounds like you might be stuck in a rut, just assuming that...

WottyMcWottFace · 18/09/2017 23:57

Depression can cause lots of strain on relationships but your there to support each other, you need to speak to him about it and together with your gp if you haven't already done so.

Original poster
linda30 · 18/09/2017 23:59

@RunRabbitRunRabbit

Initially you said a quick marriage and then to end it. Do you suggest we get married and then divorced for financial protection? I don't really need him for financial protection, but it would be good to be a team (I feel we'd be able to save more etc.) At the moment I'd probably be better off as a single mom with alimony money, government help and my job combined. The money issue is annoying but it's more about companionship. I know if this relationship fails I won't look for anyone else. All my previous romantic endeavours turned into a pile of crap. I start to think I'm just unlovable.

OP posts:
Original poster
linda30 · 19/09/2017 00:01

@toffeeapple123 I feel when I was at the point of feeling the spark his spark has died off, and thus we both had "the spark" for each other at different points but in no point did it come for both of us simultaneously. Does this make sense?

OP posts:
toffeeapple123 · 19/09/2017 00:10

Yes it makes sense. Do some joint sessions together. Maybe some books might help on how to get the spark back. It doesn't sound like you're ready to walk away just yet...

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2017 01:20

First of all, don't concern yourself with what your mother wants. You are a grown woman, she is not you, she isn't the one who would be marrying this man, and she has no right to impose her ideals upon you.

Secondly, don't even consider marrying him until you have couples therapy, and A LOT of it. If he isn't willing to work on how you communicate, you'll have your answer. A marriage takes 50/50 effort. If he refuses to do that, the marriage will fail.

Isetan · 19/09/2017 05:03

Do not marry him, divorces are expensive and messy.

You're settling and you're settling for a man whose morphing into a controlling twat. Is this the relationship role model you want to set for your child? This safe haven relationship is anything but if it sucks joy from your life, you're hiding in this unsatisfactory relationship because you think you can't find better.

cakecakecheese · 19/09/2017 08:25

Your description of your relationship sounds very similar to what my marriage turned into. If I knew it was heading that way I hope I would not have married him, and now I'm divorced, you have this knowledge already.

TheEdgeOfGlory266 · 19/09/2017 08:43

Is he being treated for his depression? Depression can really affect a relationship. This may be the reasons he doesn't engage in conversation or sex. Depression can also change the way you view money.

It's hard to say if you should leave him or not. On one hand you don't sound completely happy and no one should have to just settle for someone. That's not fair on either party. But if he is truly suffering from repression, it may be his illness is affecting the relationship in which case, he needs to get better and work out if there is anything worth salvaging. Ultimately, you are the only one that can decide what you want. I do think the marriage idea should be knocked on the head and if you do stay together just concentrate on the relationship.

Original poster
linda30 · 19/09/2017 08:45

@cakecakecheese

Would you mind sharing what eventually made you go through with the divorce? Was there anything significant that occurred or you just had enough of the peaceful nothingness? When did things change for you from love to flatline?

With the finances, he's asking me to trust him and give him time to trust me. I've not done anything that would warrant mistrust other than asking him whether we should split up at different points in time (mostly in the heat of the moment when we argued.) He says this makes him weary of sharing money with me. I see these things as minor since we very rarely argue altogether, and I pay more attention to actions rather than words. I don't know if it's because my parents had a very volatile relationship and used to say things to each other only to kiss and make up later, and actually been together for 40 years now. For these reasons I think him saying this might just be manipulative, but then I don't want to be cynical.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 19/09/2017 08:46

If you have to ask strangers on the internet that question, then I'd say the answer is no.

Original poster
linda30 · 19/09/2017 08:47

@ShatnersWig Does sound logical but over the years of failed relationships I no longer trust my instincts.

OP posts:
Original poster
linda30 · 19/09/2017 08:52

@TheEdgeOfGlory266 He has an official diagnosis of a specific type of depression, when I read up on it, it seems to be very long term but milder affliction - most people with this condition assume it's just a part of their personality. He goes to therapy and takes small doses of medication. He seems to be doing better for himself overall, has lost weight and quit smoking cold turkey. He says having the family (and he mainly means DD) is motivating him a lot. But I just don't understand why this is not extended to more pleasant interactions between the two of us.

OP posts:
Nancy91 · 19/09/2017 09:01

If you've got a child with him and he's being selfish about his money, marrying him could be in your best interests in case you do eventually split. It depends on your personal situation but it's something to think about.

FledglingFTB · 19/09/2017 09:04

Can you pause the wedding? It's just an additional complication and pressure to add to your list, if your mother kicks off explain you need to work things though with you partner. It's really not her problem anyway.

Could pausing the wedding make your DP sit up and listen? If you can calmly explain your feelings and reasons why, he may start to realise. If not, then that's your answer.

Original poster
linda30 · 19/09/2017 09:18

@FledglingFTB

I feel my mom's eagerness could possibly be a part of the problem. She's paid for the wedding venue booking fee and says they could also pay for the whole wedding. She thinks she's doing the right think for us and I'm grateful for her generosity but on the other hand part of me thinks this might transpire to DP as desperation and really makes him think he just doesn't need to try anymore or contribute financially over what's been agreed years ago since my family and I always have everything in hand.

OP posts:
Original poster
linda30 · 19/09/2017 09:23

This just gave me an idea, perhaps I should say to him that my family can no longer finance the wedding and he'd need to fork out some money for it. Since he's lately been so attached to his cash, it might provide with some further insights as to where he really stands.

OP posts:
mummyretired · 19/09/2017 09:44

Same as @cakecakecheese here. Don't do it, you're still very young and you don't deserve the rest of your life to be like this.

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