Should I marry him?

[linda30]

I've been with my fiancé for 3 years now and we have a DD. I didn't go into the relationship madly in love as was badly burnt by previous experience of abusive ex, my DP knew about this and was happy to give me time. Fast forward to now - I love DP with what I feel is close to mature love. It is a feeling that is calm, trusting and caring. We have a wedding venue booked for next year, my mom is really pushing for this to happen (she's very conservative and thinks since I'm 33 and we have a DD we should just get married) - but my DP is depressed, he is nice to me and spends all his time with me, but it's not really couple time as you might imagine. Mostly we sit next to each other in the living room watching telly when DD sleeps. If I want to discuss something we watch on telly he usually just listens but has no comments, therefore killing any chance for a resemblance of joy in a day to day life. He rarely has much to say about anything at all. We have sex maybe once in two months, he seems to have little to no desire for me, we even sleep in different beds (he snores.) He's also started to be weird with finances lately, I won't go into detail but it basically started to look more like mine vs yours rather than we are a team. He'd rather have me sabotage my health and wellbeing than give me any financial support beyond what's been agreed before DD arrived. This doesn't seem very caring to me.

I would normally think with these behaviours he must be unhappy and maybe getting ready to exit the relationship. I even suggested we split up a couple of times but he says no (and was upset I might take his child) he seems to want to go ahead with the wedding etc.

On the other hand some days I feel I'm really lucky since he's always at home with me, doesn't go out with mates drinking, has no addictions, earns a good salary, looks quite handsome, he is caring to some extent (although even my dad commented he is now more loving towards DD than me, and less loving toward me than when they met him.) He calls me every day from work and replies to any calls or messages immediately. He does house chores and takes care of DD when he can.

I don't know if I'm just being immature and spoilt, and I should just accept that no one is perfect and get on with it or should I postpone this wedding and try to make things better somehow? Or just quit the relationship? He has many positive traits but there is just absolutely no spark or simple joy of being together.

Could you postpone rather than cancel?

Your mum needs to back off, if she can't handle a 33yo daughter with a child out of wedlock... ask her how she feels about about a late 30s divorcee single parent as a daughter, or worse in a controlling loveless marriage. And the deposit may not be lost if you speak to the venue privately about the option to push the date back 6m/year.

Not quite sure how a lie to gauge his willingness to stump up cash for the wedding will help you tbh. It has no reflection on your happiness or financial equality

You have a child together. You don't have to get married but it would be a bit cruel to split up for no good reason.

Ttbb 'good reason' is totally subjective.

She's a mother, not a martyr.

You have a child together. You don't have to get married but it would be a bit cruel to split up for no good reason.

Please don't listen to this you don't need to have a good enough reason to split up. What really resonates in your post is you almost seem to have clung on this relationship because of your previous one and your relationship hasn't developed into love. Everyone including your dp and dm are pushing this all on you but what you've got to ask yourself is what do YOU want?

Also going back to the lie about the wedding payments, if it backfired it won't help with previous trust issues either.

For God's sake don't get married. It's clear this relationship is beginning to end and you know it too by what you have written.
Do you really want the bitter divorce and the custody battle?
I've done that twice with ill advised marriages where I did not listen to my gut instinct.
If you are not sure do not be pressured by anyone to change the staus quo and get married, at the end of the day it will be you dealing with the divorce not your mother and divorce can tear you apart.
Stay as you are and see how things go. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone.
in my experience pre marriage is the time a partner tries the hardest to impress, if things are like this now they will not improve after the marriage I can assure you.

I think Nancy has raised a valid point. I am financially better off for having married and divorced then my friend who never married I married thinking would work. If you were new into a relationship I would say don't marry, but if you have no finances and separate now you cannot claim any assets / savings even if you have contributed to the family e.g. looked after your shared child.

Divorce is horrendous and expensive, so I would recommend counselling and hopefully a happy marriage, but splitting up in years to come and having nothing would be tough too.