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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I can't believe I'm writing this

28 replies

Whatisitaboutme · 18/09/2017 11:01

I have had three serious relationships (marriage and living together level relationships).

Just newly married as a very mature person. I think I'm a nice person, get on well with others, attractive, independent, not the best figure but hey!

My first husband cheated on me. Took me a long time to trust - six years before I had another relationship. 12 years living together and my LTP cheated on me leaving me distraught. Took me 12 years to have another long term relationship resulting in my second and final marriage. I was sent copy text messages showing evidence of an almost affair long before we got married. I knew at the time that the 'lady' in question had a crush on my soon to be husband which resulted in him terminating a work relationship between them. What I didn't know was that he had not discouraged it from the word go. Not actively participated but not discouraged if that makes sense, I feel wretched about ME? What is it about me or my choices? :-(

OP posts:

tccat · 18/09/2017 11:07

It's a difficult one, who sent you the messages and what was the content? this wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker for me, but it would depend on a lot of things, if he didn't actively encourage it and ended the work relationship I'd be inclined to talk to him and take it from there
No doubt you'll get a lot of ltb but life is rarely as black and white

yetmorecrap · 18/09/2017 11:48

I think most men are cowards when it comes to this kind of thing OP , my DH had our one employee (single mum) hassling him for quite a few months on text and whatsapp, it's innocent enough chit chat but far too friendly and frequent for what I was ok with, didn't stop it till I called him out on our phone bill and started tracking whatsapp. It wasn't mentioned how much she was doing it , he was deleting and says he wasn't sure how to tell her politely so got in habit of answering back, basically he caused his own issues by being embarrassed to come to the point, eventually I had to say something to her, she never apologised and I saw a whatsapp where she called me 'insecure'

Original poster

Whatisitaboutme · 18/09/2017 11:51

The messages were sent from the 'lady' in question. Seem to be based on jealousy.

She obviously doesn't know that I knew but she was saying that he deserved a lot better than me. (She's a skank in the words of one of our friends.)

The reason he gave her for terminating the short working arrangement was down turn in work so maybe she's just realised that wasn't the real reason. Who knows but I received a foul and bitter rant from someone that I did no wrong to. I maybe should have dealt with it but seemed to be the best to leave him to deal with it.

OP posts:

yetmorecrap · 18/09/2017 12:03

Do the copy texts have content that bothers you at all, or is it just the quantity and the fact he kept it secret etc ? In my case it was the latter

tccat · 18/09/2017 12:08

My feeling is he's been a bit of an arse for not shutting it down straight away but it's not the end of the world
If I understand correctly she has sent you copies of their conversation? It would depend on the content of the messages in my book
Do you believe that nothing happened between them? If you do and he's otherwise a good guy I would be having a conversation with him and making it very clear what your feelings are no the matter
I wouldn't engage with the other woman at all, she's obviously trying to cause trouble

Original poster

Whatisitaboutme · 18/09/2017 12:16

The messages had her referring to her developing feelings for him and her saying how much better she would be for him. He just replied 'lol'.

Another one she text him asking what time he wanted her at work, asked him how he was. When he replied good. She replied is that cause (my names) not there. He again just put lol.

There were no kisses or anything and at the time, we weren't living together but planning to. I recall him saying that the sooner you move in the better and then everyone will know we are a committed couple. I remember laughing and saying the rock on my left hand was a signal?

It was after that I felt she was being overly familiar, he was looking awkward and he made his decision to offload.

I feel that he was disloyal by not texting her that she was being inappropriate and her attentions were unwarranted. Silly old man.

It's just brought back a stomach churning ache that I've experienced before

OP posts:

tccat · 18/09/2017 12:35

It sounds like he didn't encourage at all, I understand why you're angry given your past but I really wouldn't be concerned with this if it was me
His replies sound like what I would do if I wanted to shut someone down but didn't want to cause fuss or ill feeling, yes it's probably the wrong approach but it's easy to get a bit "rabbit in the headlights" and not know how to play it
Try not to overthink it and just talk to him about how you're feeling

yetmorecrap · 18/09/2017 13:02

I think like my DH he was embarrassed and didn't quite know what to say, what a thoroughly horrible woman!!

Original poster

Whatisitaboutme · 18/09/2017 13:32

Thanks all for giving me a balanced view. Despite my age and experience, I am naive when it comes to the toxicity of some. Because of the work association I used to see her at least weekly and she smiled sweetly and was very friendly toward me. All the while doing this!

I agree with the other poster. He was an arse not to deal with it when it first started but he can't deal with any confrontation in general.

OP posts:

yetmorecrap · 18/09/2017 13:58

If it's any consolation, the women who was doing this to me comes over all outraged at women who shit on other women or text 'partnered up guys' inappropriately , whilst being an absolute queen of it herself . Telling me she doesn't remotely fancy my husband does not make spending hours of texting complete crap to and fro ok!! She forgets I'm not 'seeing' those texts, just the quantity of ones he is sending.

Myheartbelongsto · 18/09/2017 14:02

You're both very gullible op and yetmorecrap.

Original poster

Whatisitaboutme · 18/09/2017 14:09

Myheartbelingsto

Yep. Said as much myself. Can only speak for myself however.

OP posts:

yetmorecrap · 18/09/2017 14:29

I am def not gullible, I am armed up like James Bond I can assure you. I was far too trusting in the past , now not at all I'm afraid which saddens me

Original poster

Whatisitaboutme · 18/09/2017 14:37

Yetmorecrap

Well said

OP posts:

yetmorecrap · 18/09/2017 14:52

Thing is we all tend to trust 100% , until we are given reason not to , I've never had reason in a relationship not to before, indeed in my first marriage I fully admit I was on the wrong side of the tracks and had essentially an exit affair, to be honest I don't think my exH was that fussed and within 3 months was with someone else who is lovely and has been for 26 years now. This time I have had a shock , nothust the texts but a crush that Went way too far 12 years ago and was all written down , lots of texting there too at the time, Found this old stuff by snooping in cupboards , as I was suspicious of the employee one. Consequently one thing I am not is gullible, I am still hyper vigilant and still sadly undecided. You know what they say good people sometimes do stupid/bad things, well this applies in my case. In your case OP , I am more inclined to think you have a troublecauser if she couldn't find anything a bit meatier to send you than that!! Because I'm sure if she had, you would have received it

scottishdiem · 18/09/2017 15:13

I was sent copy text messages showing evidence of an almost affair long before we got married.

I must have missed something. Where is the evidence for the almost affair?

I knew at the time that the 'lady' in question had a crush on my soon to be husband which resulted in him terminating a work relationship between them.

And this thing is what you think a precusor to an affair is? By letting you know that this women is like this and that he terminated their working relationship. I mean, that must be a really weird approach to having an affair. Telling you and firing her. Bet she found that sexy.

It was after that I felt she was being overly familiar, he was looking awkward and he made his decision to offload. I feel that he was disloyal by not texting her that she was being inappropriate and her attentions were unwarranted

He fired her. Interesting this is not enough of a display of loyalty for you. Perhaps a ritual sacrifice in future maybe?

holdthewine · 18/09/2017 16:21

I also wonder if she may have been very selective in the messages she has copied you. Presumably she won't have mentioned it he did actually say "leave me alone"....

Original poster

Whatisitaboutme · 18/09/2017 16:41

Scottishdiem

He didn't tell me about the flirty messages. Kept it to himself until I asked him about her behaviour. Stroking his arm as she passed him. Taking advantage of being late, time off and expecting to get paid. All stuff he wouldn't normally tolerate. We argued and then he came clean after that he thought she had a crush on him. He enabled it to continue. In my opinion.

Difficulty of posting here is that unless you write war and peace, difficult to get all salient information in.

I accepted his explanation at the time. Just raised my suspicions when sent the copy messages last week, six months after she left.

What I don't know is what was discussed outside of the text messages. And I doubt I ever will.

OP posts:

scottishdiem · 18/09/2017 16:51

"He enabled it to continue" - which is a far cry from an almost affair, never mind an actual affair.

I think you are reading far too much into your partners non-reaction to this other womans texts.

Perhaps he might accept a tattoo on his hand saying "Property of Whatisitaboutme - dont even try it"? It would prevent future acts of over familiarity.

yetmorecrap · 18/09/2017 16:58

That's mean Scottishdiem, I think almost an affair was wrong wording, deceitful about someone who clearly acted rather inappropriately is more the case and it's not nice at all when someone is hiding this stuff

scottishdiem · 18/09/2017 17:09

I get that the other woman acted inappropriately yetmorecrap but OP seems to feel that her husband has wronged her in some way. "What is it about me or my choices?" was her question. As if she had chosen poorly again (given the other two men and what they did werent her fault she is asking an unfair question of herself but thats a different issue).

How many men try it on with women even when the woman arent interested or married etc. and the women dont shut them down and throw them out of their lives? That texts continue and innapropriate touching continues? OPs attitude here is to not blame those men but to blame the women and I really disagree with it.

Does every women come home and say, btw, this guy was trying to flirt with me when it happens?

Finally, given OPs evident (and to a great extent understandable) insecurity on this matter, why would he report something he doesnt want and doesnt care for. After all, this would clearly given him grief at home as well as this woman at work. Almost affair!?! Can you imagine the reaction he was clearly trying to avoid?

Viserion · 18/09/2017 19:04

I suspect his LOL is laughs out loud, as in don't be so ridiculous. It reads to me like he didn't want to get sucked into a discussion with her as that could be interpreted by her as engaging with her crush.

MrsOpinionated · 18/09/2017 19:57

I think you're being really unfair to him. From what you've said he didn't lead her on or actively encourage it.

You're acting as though he had an affair - he didn't!!

scottishdiem · 18/09/2017 21:14

"suspect his LOL is laughs out loud"

Please tell me OP doesn't think this means Lots of Love....

timeisnotaline · 18/09/2017 21:19

Wow /almost affair is embroidering it a bit! Zero encouragement and he got rid of her at work? I'd forget all about it op. She is pathetic.

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