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Original poster

Anyone else's PIL do this?

40 replies

susannahmoodie · 17/09/2017 21:14

I work FT and am the main breadwinner, in a busy and v responsible role. DH works Pt and is v flexible and can do school drop offs and pick ups. It works well, we are v happy with these arrangements.

At PIL's today and mil asks DH "do you have a busy week at work coming up?". She would never, ever ever ask me this sort of question, ever. Even though my week is guaranteed to be busier than his.....maybe she just finds his job more interesting than mine, but it grates on me.

OP posts:
HouseOfGoldandBones · 17/09/2017 21:21

I would assume that PIL know you'll be busy because you work FT, and were simply asking DH what his plans are because his time is more flexible.

Imamiddleclasstwat · 17/09/2017 21:24

Went to visit my MIL with dh the night before we BOTH were running a marathon. MIL asks DH all about the run then says to me 'so, do you get much exercise?!

Pollydonia · 17/09/2017 21:24

Yes, fil used to do this all the time - you must be tired/ busy/stressed to dh then you should look after him to me Hmm. Dh worked pt & I have been the breadwinner for over 15 years .

bigchris · 17/09/2017 21:26

It could just be conversation though, it's the sort of thing my mum asks me when we've run out of conversation on the phone!

MamaOfTwos · 17/09/2017 21:31

My MIL acts like DH has saved a baby from a burning building every time he changes a fucking nappy. Does my head in.

pasterfield9 · 17/09/2017 21:59

My ex MIL used to do this all the time. We both worked full time, but conversation was always about him and his career. When he got a new job she said to me 'are you pleased for him?' I said 'yes of course' she said 'oh it's just when he announced it on Facebook the other day, he got over 100 likes, and I noticed you weren't one of them.'

Yes, she really did sit there, scrolling through all the likes to check. Note the 'ex' prefix

Bellabelloo · 17/09/2017 22:03

Yup! I run my own business which is really full on and stressful - but my PILs refer to it as my 'little project' and have made it very clear that they think I should be at home full time looking after my son.

TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt · 17/09/2017 23:06

Every time we visited, my PILs used to ask me why don't I give up work and move closer to DH's work so he wouldn't have such a long commute. (It was blatantly obvious that they just wanted us to live nearer to them). He was earning more than me at the time but in a notoriously fickle industry where jobs come and go. I was in a not so well paid but stable, professional role that I loved. But I was told I might as well give it up because I'll be leaving anyway to have babies, won't I?

Ten years later, they have stopped asking. As DH has been made redundant twice and it's my career that has kept us afloat though the lean periods, they don't really have a leg to stand on.

Interestingly, when I wanted to go part time after DD, and DH was worried we couldn't afford it (we could, but after 2 redundancies he was a bit paranoid), it was MIL who backed me up and told him to get a grip. She's alright, really. But those discussions about whether my job was "worth it" were so tiring!

KoolKoala07 · 17/09/2017 23:13

My mil thinks the sun shines from her sons backside, but if we see her on a Saturday evening she'll ask me if I've been at work. I work every Saturday and have done for the last 13 years for 9 of which she has known me. Really grates on me.

LapsedPacifist · 18/09/2017 01:27

I totally get where you are coming from.

But: "Do you have a busy week at work coming up?" could have been asked for all kinds of reasons. She may just be wanting to acknowledge his work contribution, so he doesn't feel his work outside the home is less important or interesting than yours.

Smitff · 18/09/2017 01:33

Ha - my own mum does this to me!

MadamePomfrey · 18/09/2017 01:40

Devils advocate here but what are your own parents like? Are they more focused on you? Your plans ect? Might be MIL bring a bit of a dick but lots of parents are focused on their own child's achievements not those of partners ect,

Sweetnessishere · 18/09/2017 01:56

DH travels for work and his DM was always concerned about how busy he was etc. I ran my own business, employed 20+ people and she treated it like a hobby. Then I sold out and my job became even more insignificant as far as she was concerned.

However no one worked as hard as her or had such a difficult job as she was a teacher. really grated on me as I juggled a full time position, and 2 small DC o maybe I am biased.

KickAssAngel · 18/09/2017 02:04

To some people, a man's career is almost his defining characteristic, and the most likely thing to talk about. When my parents had a party for their 50th wedding anniversary my Dad gave a speech (but not my Mum) and at least 80% of it was all about his work. My mum got mentioned as "adapting to the new working hours now that I commuted" and the birth of me and my sister (but not our weddings, although one grandchild got a mention) did get a quick mention.

In their total marriage of fifty years, my Dad worked for 27 of them, but his work completely dominated the speech, and the other 23 years got just a brief "and we've enjoyed retirement since then".

GlampingQueen · 18/09/2017 02:40

Both my DP and I worked full-time when we first started living together. He started two hours earlier than me and finished two hours earlier than me. My mum was disgusted that I didn't get up three hours before I needed to go to work to cook him a breakfast.

I pointed out that no one made my breakfast and she said he had a proper job, a man's job that needed proper sustenance (and presumably the act of making breakfast would have drained his energy??). I didn't tell her he used to often bring me a cup of tea in bed before he left. Her head would have exploded.

YokoReturns · 18/09/2017 02:44

Yep my MIL does this. Sun shines out of DH's arse, apparently I can't even be bothered to keep a show home. I was also the main breadwinner for a while, and am currently working nearly full time alongside doing the vast majority of looking after 2 DC.

I hate her.

ohfourfoxache · 18/09/2017 05:58

We've got 2 dc.

Following both labours, MIL was extremely concerned about how tired dh was. Fuck me, I was just an incubator.

TheSparrowhawk · 18/09/2017 07:19

I run a company. DH is my employee. According to MIL my job 'gets me out of the house.' I get why she's like that though - because she lived in a world where the man's job is the only important thing she had to give up her business and move country when FIL was made redundant so he could have a job. How she hasn't expired from the unfairness of it I don't know.

ravenmum · 18/09/2017 08:15

When both kids were back in school I got a postgrad qualification to match my degree and started a new job in the October. This was referred to by ILs as a lovely way for me to get some pocket money. That December they actually laughed when they heard how little I'd earned that year, as if I was meant to have got an entire 12 months of pay into those 3 months.

BertrandRussell · 18/09/2017 08:23

"My mil thinks the sun shines from her sons backside,"

Don't we all? Grin

My mum was much more interested in me and my doings than she was in dp's. Isn't that just how it works?

numberseven · 18/09/2017 08:39

We had a baby and I ended up with a very hard recovery from my c section with emergency hysterectomy.

MIL told me she didn't want her son to get stressed and to make sure he wouldn't have to get up at nights.

MinorRSole · 18/09/2017 11:24

My MIL acts like DH has saved a baby from a burning building every time he changes a fucking nappy. Does my head in. GrinGrin

EX!! mil after I came home from an 18 hour labour (overnight so bit tired). "My useless lazy arse son looks so tired, you'll have to clear up all this mess. I can't believe you left it like this."
The mess was plates in the sink and empty beer cans in the lounge from when I was in hospital!

She packed him off to bed and proceeded to lecture me about 'looking after my man', getting up early to make him a nice packed lunch etc. Little wonder he turned out the way he did tbh

Coffeeandcherrypie · 18/09/2017 12:32

I really wish people would add their responses to MIL/FIL/DM/DF's unreasonable comments!

It would be nice to see people have challenged them.

ravenmum · 18/09/2017 13:13

My response was silence, as my toadlike ex nodded and laughed and agreed with whatever his parents said. Glad he is an ex for that kind of situation alone.

SeaEagleFeather · 18/09/2017 14:00

Responses to unreasonable MIL comments ... have posted this before but hey. My MIL, who has a heart of gold but does not know when to stop and occasionally drives everyone nuts, had a thing

"Now you're a wife and mother, you need to give up your reading and your motorbike"

Which she kept repeating despite polite demurrals. Until I told her that I'd rather sell the husband and children.

I'm still half-astonished, half sad that she thinks a woman has to give up all her interests and hobbies once she has a family Confused She's only 62!

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