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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Other half goes off when we are out drinking together

31 replies

Spanny1 · 17/09/2017 16:00

Ok, so I have been with my OH for over 5 years. One of the problems I have is that when we are out drinking he really likes to drink.

When we are out together with a friend or two and have a few drinks, he often goes off for long periods at a time, starts buying drinks for the bar staff (often women). Also, if we go dancing (which is not often any more really), he will go off randomly without saying anything and I am left wondering where he is.

I then find him dancing drunkily and talking to other women.

My issues with this are firstly that he just goes off and doesn't tell me. Then, it also makes me feel insignificant when he goes off. It makes me feel I am not enough. Also, yes, what is he doing with these women and what is going on in his head?

He is a social butterfly and everyone loves him for that. But for me, when we are out and he does this, it makes me anxious and ruins my night.

So am I in the wrong? If your partner was doing the same would you care?

We have talked about it and one minute he understands and the next minute, he tells me he is doing nothing wrong. That does not help.

Please help offer advice.

OP posts:

cod · 17/09/2017 16:50

oh ffs he sounds like a twat not a social butterfly

BIN him

Notearsgoodbye · 17/09/2017 16:52

I would go home.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 17/09/2017 16:53

He's not a social butterfly. When he does this he thinks he's single.

Bluntness100 · 17/09/2017 16:54

Well yes he's a wanker. He's making it clear he's looking for a better offer and would rather be flirting with other women than being with you. I'm sure you know that. Your choice whether to put up with it or bin. I'd bin. Total lack of respect and disinterest. Not worth it in my view.

userxx · 17/09/2017 16:55

Sounds like he can't handle his drink and turns into a bit of a knob.

DrMorbius · 17/09/2017 17:19

Wow, if you were married longer I would ask if you are my DW. I do this

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 17/09/2017 17:41

He is taking you for granted. You are not wrong. He is treating you as if you were invisible. Ouch.

Forgettheworld · 17/09/2017 17:53

If he does this when you are out with him what does he do when you aren't around. He's disrespectful I'd bin him off too I'm afraid.

Original poster

Spanny1 · 17/09/2017 17:58

Oh gosh. Well he hasn't been drinking at all in the last two years and felt more close to him than ever. In the last 6 months it has picked up and that's when this has happened.

I can't just bin him though :(

OP posts:

PinkHeart5913 · 17/09/2017 17:58

Huge difference between being a "social butterfly" and abandoning your partner on a night out to chat up/dance with/talk to or buy other women drinks.

He can only behave like a twat if you allow it

Roomba · 17/09/2017 17:59

My ex used to do this. Also disappeared to the fruit machine without a word many times. In the end I started just going home and then just refusing to go out to the pub with him. It was so insulting and humiliating just been left there like a lemon.

It was a clear sign of how he felt about me that I failed to heed for far too long. Just bin him. If you've mentioned it and he still keeps doing it, he won't change.

MadMags · 17/09/2017 17:59

Well, yes you can. If you won't - that's a different story.

Viviennemary · 17/09/2017 18:02

Just refuse to go out with him again. Make your own arrangements for nights out. Don't tolerate being treated like this. Don't put yourself in this situation to be stressed out and humiliated.

Welldoneme · 17/09/2017 18:04

I had this, only solution was to ditch him.
I used to feel such an idiot sat on my own.

CatsOclock · 17/09/2017 18:08

I was just thinking today about how my ex used to do this - weird to come on here and see this. Anyway...

For me, the important thing is how he responds when you talk to him about it and how it makes you feel. My ex was a nice guy in many ways but an utter arsehole about this and there was no talking to him about it. I once told him that I'd felt like walking out of the pub (after being left on my own for ages and then discovering him playing pool with a load of strangers!) and his response was along the lines of don't ever try anything like that with him as we'd be over! No empathy at all! It's certainly not what I wanted from a partner, that's for sure.

NoNamesLeft86 · 17/09/2017 18:10

Im sorry but there is no way I would stand for that. My OH wouldnt dare but if he did he certainly wouldn't be coming home with me after, he would be looking for somewhere else to live.

What a seriously selfish twat. And I would be extremely suprised if he doesnt cheat on you when your not around if he is chatting up women right under your nose.

StickyProblem · 17/09/2017 18:13

Me and my DP never go out drinking together, we'd fall out (for similar reasons). Can you not go out separately? We'd go for a meal together or stay in with some wine instead.

Justdontknow4321 · 17/09/2017 18:15

Is it just you two when going out ? Or is there other friends out with you ?

Crowdo · 17/09/2017 18:22

Sounds like a normal night for me. Whenever I go out with a partner, we both flit around making friends. I don't see why you need to be glued together all night.

DrMorbius · 17/09/2017 18:50

im sorry but there is no way I would stand for that. My OH wouldnt dare but if he did he certainly wouldn't be coming home with me after, he would be looking for somewhere else to live

What a seriously selfish twat. And I would be extremely suprised if he doesnt cheat on you when your not around if he is chatting up women right under your nose*

What a depressing post. You sound like one of those 1970's TV sitcom Dagon wives it's all so black and white with most of you MN drones. Well done Crowdo for standing out against the tide.

ScarletForYa · 17/09/2017 18:55

Why are you putting up with that?

He's basically trying to score other women right in front of you!!

HelenaDove · 17/09/2017 18:59

Dr Morbius Are you Coleen Nolans DH Apparently he does this.

Iheartjordanknight · 17/09/2017 19:05

My friends DH does this too, and when he goes out alone is always out all night and getting himself into daft problems like missing the last train or losing his wallet.

It's immaturity and let's be honest, it's because he doesn't really care. She has tried to deal with it by moving him to very rural Norfolk. I don't imagine it will work

I think ts fairly simple tbh- accept it or don't. If you accept it then get over it. If you don't the relationship will come to an end. Otherwise you're in this halfway house of upset and arguments and constantly feeling let down

AdalindSchade · 17/09/2017 19:12

I always think it's weird when grown adults 'go out drinking' as a thing to do together. Maybe you could get a more pleasant hobby?

Iheartjordanknight · 17/09/2017 19:13

Do you Ada? It's a perfectly normal part of socialising

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