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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I walk away..

58 replies

Sad1974 · 17/09/2017 15:36

In a nutshell I've been seeing a man for a year who I've known for a few years..When we first got together last year he made it clear he didn't want a relationship as his last relationship had ended badly and he lost his home etc..over time we've acted like a couple when we are together (it's a long distance thing) he holds my hand etc and always calls every day.
I've met and socialised with all his family and even met his long time female best friend who even said she knew I meant a lot to him and she'd love to see us together properly
He constantly tells me he cares and that he wished he could offer more yet when I go home..he seems to step back and phone conversations are just regular chat..he doesn't imply that he misses me yet when I go there he tells me that he has to put me to the back if his mind a lot because a relationship isn't what he wants right now but that he he always misses me and wishes I was there.
Recently he met a woman locally who he has started meeting most elves in the pub.. going out and about with and chatting to late at night..she has ME and doesn't work so is frequently up in the early hours. Quite often he'll hang up to me saying he's going to sleep but I'll see in the morning he was online on what's app for a good couple of hours afterwards.He recently added her on fb and now she literally comments on everything he puts in such a way as to imply that they are close. He's told me he's confided in her about his breakdown and that she's been supportive and that he doesn't find her attractive but is glad to finally have a friend locally..however..he admitted he hadn't mentioned me to her..
We had a big row about it the other night and he told me that I'm being unreasonable and that he's lonely and needs friends but it feels like ages stepping into my shoes and also I think she is reading a lot into the friendship too.
This weekend he unexpectedly told me that he loved me so much.which shook me..as he's never said that before but he reiterated that he can't be in a relationship as he needs to concentrate on getting himself sorted etc but that I have no idea how much so mean to him..
Then the next day he went straight to the pub to spend the evening with her..Im at the stage where I'm really wondering if I should just walk away..

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 17/09/2017 17:07

It's easier that he's 300 miles away. You can now block him and you won't have to worry about bumping into him. It sounds as though the phone calls and emotional attachment have stopped you from getting out there and finding someone new. Do you have many local friends you could go out with?

Original poster
Sad1974 · 17/09/2017 17:17

No unfortunately I have zero social life here and no friends..my marriage broke down a few years ago and all my married friends stopped socialising with me..yes he got me emotionally attached and it almost feels like he's now pulled back from that and is doing exactly the same to someone else..Im sure she's already emotionally attached to him Sad

OP posts:
Lanaorana2 · 17/09/2017 17:49

He's taking everything you've got to give, and giving you 0, no wonder he's enjoying himself. Bin it.

Original poster
Sad1974 · 17/09/2017 18:16

Yep and tonight he's gone down to the pub with her again Sad just like he did on Friday night and last night

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 17/09/2017 19:14

Realistically, if your boyfriend takes another woman to the pub night after night, there comes a point where she's his girlfriend, not you.

You simply have to find a way to get out of this. It's as though you're in sinking sand and feel there's no way out. There is, but it'll take a lot of effort from you. Come on, you know you can do it!

Original poster
Sad1974 · 17/09/2017 19:24

I know..nothing may have happened between them yet but it's only a matter of time and tbh I've been bracing myself for it deep down because he obviously likes her a lot and doesn't seem at all bothered about seeing me again soon..I guess I just wasn't special enough for him to commit to but she obviously is and what I need to do is cut him out before I have to face it..but I'm so scared Sad

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 17/09/2017 19:27

Look, if he's not bothered about seeing you soon (and I know that's incredibly hurtful) then all you can do is gather together your self respect and dump him. There's no alternative.

Original poster
Sad1974 · 17/09/2017 19:38

Yes I know Sad..up until she came into his life..about 6 weeks ago..he would be constantly telling me he missed me and wishes I was there and would be virtually begging me to go and see him..Ive been such an idiot..its obvious he's seeing her and I bet he's given her the same bullshit lines about not wanting a relationship right now and wanting to take things slowly

OP posts:
category12 · 17/09/2017 19:47

You've been doing that for a year. Time to start making yourself a social life where you live.

Original poster
Sad1974 · 18/09/2017 01:41

It's not easy..Im a lone parent so don't get out much and no friends here..I wouldn't know where to start

OP posts:
LilyMcClellan · 18/09/2017 01:47

You don't even need to walk away. Just stop chasing this headfucker and in no time at all you won't see him for dust.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 18/09/2017 01:50

He's playing you like a fiddle. He's into her massively, that's why he ends conversations with your telling you he's going to sleep and then spends hours chatting to or messaging her. He is keeping you as an ego boost OP, sorry. You are worth more than that. Take of off your rose coloured glasses and see him for who he really is!

category12 · 18/09/2017 09:37

Where to start?

Try "Meet up", see if there are any groups you fancy? If your dc are of an age where they're having play dates, try to get to know the parents? Try a course or class and chat to people there.

Original poster
Sad1974 · 18/09/2017 09:48

It hurts so much..Sad

OP posts:
Annelind · 18/09/2017 11:27

OP it will hurt much more if you allow this to continue. Rip off the band aid and find interests other than massaging this egotistical, entitled man's ego.

Original poster
Sad1974 · 19/09/2017 11:14

Thanks every one I've actually decided to use this as a chance to start afresh. I've lived in limbo since my marriage broke up and think it's time I moved away.Id like to move to be nearer my dad and then maybe I can start living again.Ive blocked him everywhere and although it's really painful I realise I'm better off without him..he is selfish and self entitled and I feel sorry for OW because he's not tolerant of illness etc so I suspect she will end up feeling neglected once he stops lovebombing her which he's blatantly doing now

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 19/09/2017 12:13

I can't wait to move back to my family soon-ish.
Bit tied into a mortgage right now but I'll be leaving the area I'm in.
When I split with Ex I realised I don't have any 'real' friends here.
So it's time to head home.
Do the same and start afresh.
But as others have said, it's time to ditch this waste of space.

Original poster
Sad1974 · 19/09/2017 12:28

I'm lucky in that I live in rented..lost everything when I divorced..but the waste of space is now ditched...I guess no contact is the way forward ..I think fresh starts are good

OP posts:
category12 · 19/09/2017 12:42

Good to hear. Good luck, you can do this Smile.

Isetan · 19/09/2017 13:04

if your self esteem wasn't so low you wouldn't of looked twice at this obvious player. Funny how you refer to her as the OW, other woman to who? If you want to learn from this, you need to understand yourself better because that's the only person you have a cat in hells chance of changing.

Original poster
Sad1974 · 19/09/2017 14:32

hmm I wasn't referring to her on the affair sense but more that she's another woman..and yes you are right..hes a bloody player..

OP posts:
Original poster
Sad1974 · 09/10/2017 16:14

Thought I’d update this thread to say I’ve not just walked away I’ve run screaming . So I found out that in June July and August this year he was actually seeing someone and in some cases he’d see me just days after spending the night with her . He’d added her on fab and she contacted me saying that she had a feeling that I was a lot more than the mate he made me out to be Angry. She sent me screenshots of their what’s app messages .. she’d been going to his and staying over and on the night he told me he was at a family bbq he had a bbq on the beach with her then sex back at his .. another night he told me he was at a friends .. he was at hers ..in her hot tub .. she said she cut contact end of August because she suspected he was a player and she blocked him on fb.. I feel like an utter idiot that I believed his lies for a year .. I’m sure she’s not the only one .. just the only one so know about .. He doesn’t know I know but I just deleted and blocked him everywhere .. I bet he’s govsmacked wondering what happened

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 10/10/2017 10:09

Great update (sort of)
You now know 1million% you did the right thing.
What a scumbag he is.
Some time for yourself and then move on.
Well done!

dazedandconfused2016 · 10/10/2017 10:23

Well done, Sad. I'm glad you saw the light. Onwards and upwards Flowers

mapaca · 10/10/2017 10:55

Sometimes it takes us a while to see things clearly, but now you have. Well done for blocking him, you did the right thing! Onwards and upwards now.