What's the difference between someone not speaking to you and sulking?

[EdnatheHousemaid]

DH is, apparently, not sulking, he is just not talking to me.

I've asked what the difference is and he says he just doesn't want to talk to me right now.

It all kicked off because I told him to do the dishwasher instead of asking. He thinks he does loads round the house. I think he doesn't.

Just some context so not to drip feed. He works, I'm a (reluctant) SAHM. Studying at the mo and looking for a job but live rurally and I do loads of taxiing the children. At the weekends we share that and he has to cook sometimes as it's the weekend and I think that should be shared.

I asked him to cook today. Then because he just shrugged when I asked what he was going to cook, I had to think about what it should be and buy it. He said the kids can cook instead, so one of them did as she loves cooking. So I turned to DH and said 'you can put the dishwasher on' because I didn't want him to get someone else to do it. I appreciate I should have asked but now it's escalated. He had a hissy fit and is now not talking to me. He wouldn't play a planned board game with the children if I was going to play and is now sleeping on the sofa.

He says I don't tell him what to do. However, I think I have to as quite often if I ask him to, say, do the dishwasher at the weekend he will say the kids can do it. There's loads of things I do that are invisible to him, the wifework of a marriage.

He has a history of what I would consider quite PA behaviour and can't deal with criticism or confrontation. So in the past he has not spoken to me, said things like 'if I'm such a bastard why don't you leave', walked away when I've been talking etc. I did think it was my fault and wondered why I would say things that would kick it off. Now I think differently. This would come round in cycles but I thought, after dealing with the problems in an adult way, we had turned a corner. He would state calmly what it was that I had done that he didn't like, for example, and I would refrain from doing that. Fair enough.

So I guess now I have to wait until he decides that he is talking to me. I am currently feeling like I'm being punished, there's an atmosphere in the house, I'm all churned up and walking on eggshells as obviously any future way of talking to him that he doesn't like might be met in the same way.

I'm not a sulker so I'd like to know if there is a difference and is there anyway I can deal with it. It's so hard to think of anything else and it makes me feel down. It is so exhausting.

Your husband is a passive-aggressive, bullying man-child. You are a saint for putting up with that bullshit. For me, sulking silent treatments are TOTALLY unacceptable. For fuck's sake, if you're an adult, act like one. How can you possibly find solutions to issues when he stomps off like a toddler and refuses to talk things through?! Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life? I would be disgusted just looking at him. A grown man acting like such a twat is a massive turn-off.

as obviously any future way of talking to him that he doesn't like might be met in the same way

Honestly OP? I just could not live like that. You are living with a PA , lazy twat, always treading on eggshells. That is no quality of life for you or DC, having a father that will not play a game if you play too.

When he says if I'm such a bastard why don't you leave, next time I would say no DH, why don't you leave.

He wouldn't play a board game if you were going to play and he stated this in front of the children?

This is a poor model of a relationship for your children.

It's a poor model of adult behaviour for your children.

If you are annoyed about something you discuss it and come to a resolution or a compromise you don't sulk.

And yes, he is sulking.

If he doesn't know what needs done in a day (and as an adult he should be embarrassed quite frankly) make a list of a white board and agree that no one in the house sits down to relax until everything in the list is complete.

Thanks all for your replies. I'm aware if he was to write his side it would be different. But, to focus on his behaviour right now: yes, I guess he is sulking.

I just don't know how to deal with it. Ignore? Try and talk to him?

When I asked him earlier how long he was going to sulk for (generally it's a few days and then he thaws somehow) he made a comment about how much I love 'using the S word'. Well, it is sulking. Him saying he just doesn't want to talk to me at the moment is the same bloody thing. He gets to decide when we're talking again and now, even what his bloody mood is called.

Honestly, I'm dreading tomorrow. And I'm so tired of it.

ignore HIM...

Oh OP this sounds relentlessly tedious. I know in situations like these mnetters advise to carry on breezily but but this sort of juvenile behaviour would suck all the joy out of me.

Please at least start making a plan.

Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life? I would be disgusted just looking at him. A grown man acting like such a twat is a massive turn-off

This OP. He surely did not behave like this before you got serious, before you got married etc? So why does he think it is ok now, why does he think you should stay with a bastard like him? I agree with Gemini you should ignore him^ and give him a taste of his own poison medicine.

How would you deal with your children if they behaved like this?

Would you allow them to sulk for days and then be so grateful and relieved that they stopped punishing you that you'd forgive then with no consequences?

He's training you not to ask him to participate domestically. As you yourself said you are dreading tomorrow.

You need to find a way to break this cycle of behaviour.

Yes agree with pps he is a passive aggressive manipulator.

Messing with your head and these types get great satisfaction from putting their partner through a great deal of anxiety and walking on eggshells.

They are not happy until they have literally sapped you of every bit of emotional energy and self esteem.

I don't believe that adults who sulk ever change without putting in some hard work in terms of therapy. As a child they successfully manipulated their parents (or at least one of them) into doing what they wanted and repeat this behaviour throughout life. In your shoes I'd be worrying what your DC are learning: sulk, say nasty things, get your own way in the end, rinse and repeat. Sending you to Coventry is bullying behaviour. End of.

As for his side of the story, in his mind it will be that you bahaved badly (in his eyes), he is punishing you for that (he probably thinks his behaviour is more high brow than this but it's as low brow as it gets) and once you realise (i.e. he's 'trained' you into realising the error of your ways) he'll condescend to talk to you again. I'd find this utterly tedious in all honesty.

If one of your DC came home from school and said that the class had sent them to Coventry would you be encouraging your DC to figure out what they'd done wrong and then get them to placate the bullies? Would you be trying to relabel the bullying to sulking or not talking to you to make it better? Probably not.

I used to be married to a man like this.

Guess why he's my ex?

And, Christ! Life is better.

To be fair Ben, this is the first time for months, maybe all year, that he's done this. It used to be a more regular occurrence but recently I did feel we were dealing with conflict in a more mature way.

And I feel a bit shame-faced to admit this but Fluffy this has been going on for years. We met young and I have photos of holidays and days out where I think "Oh yes, you were sulking there".

This is going to sound ridiculous because I'm intelligent etc but I didn't really realise it was PA. Quite often I thought it was my fault and for years I used to think 'well Edna, when will you learn to keep your mouth shut'. It's only been in the last 3-4 years from reading on here that I realised it's PA and it wasn't my fault.

I have to say though, in between it is very good and he can be really lovely. Everyone loves him.

If he is basically a good man but has this particular bad behaviour then you need to sit down when everything is calm and talk about this.

Not about the specific argument but about how he deals with it, and how it makes you feel.

Tell him about the photograph and the bad memories they invoke for you (I bet he won't remember his own poor behaviour).

How you personally choose to deal with it is up to you, but I think I'd be calmly explaining that I would no longer be reacting in the predicated manner.

I wouldn't be sitting cowed and dreading the silence. I would be cheerfully ignoring him and taking my children out for a lovely day, or myself off out to the cinema etc if it was the evening. I would not sit miserably in the house being punished like a naught child who has displeased her father.

During sulking I would not be washing/ironing for him, picking up after him or including him in family plans (including meals). If he's excluding himself from family activities e.g. the board game then he's excluded from everything.

However, if you threaten consequences you need to be prepared to carry them out.

He may be a good man, but this behaviour is being a poor husband and a poor father. It might be worth pointing that out.

Nothing less attractive than sulking

I had an ex who used to sulk. Super annoying.

As you've been putting up with this for a long time, it will be very difficult to change the pattern of behaviour now. Maybe talk to him when he's not sulking about it but it depends how much you want to save the relationship. Ignore him too when he's sulking;don't try to cheer him up or talk to him. Just like having another adult child in the house. Sounds exhausting.

'Everyone' might love himself (I bet you any money they don't), but you're the poor sod that's married to him, so you're the only one who matters.

Edna

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you still?. Its not just exhausting, its emotional abuse as well.

I would ask you why you have put up with this petulant manchild of a husband at all now. Its not a relationship example that your children should be growing up with, they learn how to be passive aggressive as well. Its no legacy to leave them, it really is not.

Do not talk to him in the meantime and totally ignore him. Carry on as normal with your day.

My guess too is that this is learnt behaviour from one of his parents. He has certainly learnt somewhere that this works for him.

Not at all surprised to read he is passive aggressive; this is precisely what such characters do. Silent treatment/sulking is indeed totally unacceptable behaviour and is yet another form of emotional abuse. Silence treatment is never ever about being silent; its another way of being angry. It has to him the desired effect; it punishes you and has you walking on eggshells (code to my mind for living in fear) of his next outburst.

Edna

My guess is that you met him when you were very young, impressionable and had no real life experience behind you. He targeted you really.

re your comments in quote marks:-

"I have to say though, in between it is very good and he can be really lovely".

That's the cycle of abuse and that is unfortunately a continuous cycle as well. They can be "nice" enough for just long enough to keep their victims still enmeshed with them. His actions are based on wanting absolute power and control over you; its not a communication issue at all.

" Everyone loves him"

No they do not. Such men basically can appear to be plausible to those in the outside world, you however, know what he is really like.
I am certain that one or two of your own friends have their own private based suspicions about him.

Edna I recently have an ex. I was devastated at first and still miss him but I have to thank you!

He would sulk, the air you could cut with a knife and I'd never know what it was that had set him off. The air would just change and become heavy and oppressive. Logically I'd know he was being a douchebag but emotionally, I'd wonder what I'd done....turn myself inside out...then feel angry and hurt.
I work full time demanding job, have two dteens and the house to run. He'd come in and if not cooked food or have it all planned out, with ingredients bought.....the horrible oppressive air would change. I might add he's a chef.
I have been working full time and renovating a house, learned to plumb the bathroom in and fitting a kitchen. And do you know what, it still wasn't good enough. That horrible oppressive air would fall and he couldn't say, you've done good, well done. He left because he's not happy.
I've missed the good times and there were many providing I didn't ask anything of him and looked after him but you've reminded me of that awful sulking. He worked away but looking back....it was every single time he was home, I can barely remember a time where a full 24hours would go by and were at least some point, he'd go cold and sullen. I found ways to get round it, it was just the way life was.

But I don't ever have to deal with that again! Thank you Edna. I'm not the best person to give advice on this...obviously lol my suggestion is

Tell him, 'when he's finished with the silent treatment, come find you, so you can have a grown up conversation'.

My guess is that you met him when you were very young, impressionable and had no real life experience behind you

Yes Attila that's right. He was young too and, I think, his family just didn't and still don't deal with problems or emotions well. Not that mine was perfect.

I'm just so disappointed because it has been hellish at times and I've talked and talked and talked to him (at him?) afterwards and I thought this sort of shit was in the past.

This morning he is talking if I ask him questions but he's not normal.

I don't really confide in friends as they don't really want to hear. A couple have the impression he treats me really well as he buys v v expensive or lovely birthday/Christmas presents and another stopped talking to me after I broke down during one particularly awful time and told her everything. I described him as EA and I don't think she agreed! There is one friend who is v aware of what it's been like but I get fed up with being the one with all the problems.

I'm not living in fear of outbursts or anything. I would just like to avoid this silent treatment/atmosphere. I feel slightly humiliated tbh, having someone purposefully not engage with me. And utterly exhausted (but that could just be my age!).

And Wheelycote you're welcome , every cloud and all that!

Edna,

Thought so re your good self and his family of origin for that matter.

You still have a choice here though re this man and your children do not. This shit that you thought you had left behind is still there and for that matter has always been there (and most likely from the early days of your relationship too). Its just been more hidden from you till now when his behaviours are becoming more obvious and you realise that this treatment of you is wrong.

Friends can themselves be wrong (I did state that many of these men can appear to be plausible to those in the outside world) and or over invested themselves so this is also why MN is helpful to you.

You are feeling humiliated and exhausted because you are really those things; it is humiliating having your H not deign to talk to you and you feel exhausted because you have lived under this regime of his for so very long now.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and just what are they learning here from the two of you?. This is no legacy to leave them either.

Re your comment:-

"I'm not living in fear of outbursts or anything. I would just like to avoid this silent treatment/atmosphere"

These two sentences really do contradict themselves because you are walking around really waiting for the next outburst or trying to behave in such a way as to not set him off (an impossible task by the way because he keeps on moving the goalposts). Your children also see you respond accordingly and they are learning from you as well here.

You can only avoid the silent treatment from him ultimately by actually putting in place the plans to leave him for good.

My experience of the "silent treatment" you describe was from my mum and brother. With my mum I never confronted but I did finally leave and went no contact for a while! I hardly remember it now and we get on very well.

With my brother I did it without running away. I just got so pissed off on one occasion that I did it right back to him with greater sticking power. He did used to say that his only fault was obstinacy but I outdid him on this occasion.

Neither of my instinctive reactions were "good" in my view. But what surprised me was that by being awful to THEM they began to show me more respect. With a partner and children involved I can't recommend my ways but thought I'd offer it as an insight into what did curb essentially 2 decades of this nonsense.

Edna

I asked you what you get out of this relationship now; you did not or could not actually answer that question. What therefore does that tell you; it tells me that you get nothing at all positive out of this relationship with your H.

One day your kids will leave home; what then for you if you are still with this man?. Your children won't certainly come back home to visit you two often if at all.

OP, I've got a bit of a sulker too. If we have a disagreement, rather than try and work it out he just storms off in a mood and that's it for a few days. When he's like that though, I actually have no desire to speak to him/be with him either beyond essential conversation about the kids, because it pisses me off no end. I certainly wouldn't be inviting him to play any family games etc. Can't be bothered with such childish behaviour so I just ignore and carry on my life as normal. I certainly don't change my behaviour in any way. I don't tread on eggshells. He will Answer questions about kids And house etc. It seems to last a few days and then we'll have a social engagement as a couple or a school function or something where people chat to both of us and he ends up "coming out of it" like that. It happens very very rarely and so I don't think it's worth ending a marriage over because it's probably his one fault. And sometimes if he does something to piss ME off I will withdraw a bit myself if I'm upset and go off and read in another room for a few hours etc as I just don't WANT to spend time with him and also I don't like the kids seeing me upset. So I think we are similar in that way - we just liike to be by ourselves for a while when we are annoyed with the other one. It's just that he's more "extreme" in this, I think.

The worst thing is that whatever he got annoyed about doesn't ever get discussed. He doesn't apologise anymore. Unless I'm crying and crying (not regular, maybe once every 6 years!) in which case he doesn't like seeing me that upset and comes to sort it out.

I think it's a trait also passed down from his father. Once his mum, after a few drinks at a party, confessed to me that they weren't talking and she didn't know if she wanted to keep putting up with that kind of thing every time they had an argument. She is still with him years later and they are happy and love each other. But I do know what she means. I sometimes think that every time my DH is like that with me (rarely, as I say), a little bit of respect for him dies and wonder if there is going to be a last straw when I finally think "that's it, ive had enough."

I do think that my DH wasn't ever like this before kids and when the kids were babies and couksnt tell what we were disagreeing about. We are both very aware that you don't argue or lose it in front of the kids and I really think that was where this issue started for us. Rather than raise our voices we have just gone to another room to try and cool off from each other. But this doesn't help as you end up going over in your head why you think the other person is wrong etc and getting more wound up.

I guess, OP, you need to work out whether your DH is just trying to avoid upsetting the kids by having a slanging match in front of them or is actually doing it to punish YOU. If it's the former and these sulks happen very rarely then don't automatically think that your marriage is at risk. I can't remember tge last time my DH had a sulk, maybe 18 months ago. if it's much more often than that with your DH, then maybe you need to think about relationship counselling.

We have been together 20 years by the way and my DH has gone sulky about 6-7 times in all that time. I dare say I have had my sulky moments with him too. Sometimes you just don't LIKE the other person at that moment, for a few hours so it's natural for you to not want to spend time with them while you're calming down. I think this is normal especially in long term relationships. I don't think you should automatically be listening to the LTB calls without thinking very carefully about the dynamics of how and how often it happens with your DH and why. It doesn't always mean the man (or woman!) is a manipulative nasty twat.

I had an ex who used to sulk as a way of trying to communicate. It was a learned behaviour from his family where be felt overlooked and it was the best way to get his parents' attention. The straw that broke the camel's back for me was him sulking over me spending 'too long' on the phone to my brother one night. My mother had recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and we were talking about a medical appointment.

I gave years trying to find better ways for us to communicate but it was always down to me to sort it out. If I tried to talk to him too soon he'd get angry but if I let it run on too long it'd ruin entire weekends or weeks or holidays. Eventually I couldn't do it anymore.