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Original poster

Is my husband over-reacting or am I in the wrong?

42 replies

ell1ecat · 16/09/2017 06:52

So it all kicked off last night.

Husband and I are members of this gaming forum, one of the members(who is also a friend) jokingly asked me to marry him. I said yes, it's a bit of fun. Husband didn't find it funny and said it was the one thing he thought I wouldn't do. So I had to divorce the guy, so I asked him to divorce me so he did. That was apparently wrong as well, I should have asked for the divorce. It all sounds so childish.

He then got all arsey with me and accused me of hiding my messages. I have nothing to hide and he can read them if he wants but I don't expect to read his so he should give me the same courtesy. What he will find is me and this guy talking absolute rubbish to each, we talk about music, what we would be if we could be our own boss, and videos of him playing the guitar.

I've got a couple of friends coming over today including the one who asked me to marry me. Husband then said well you didn't tell me about that and you probably wouldn't have done. I told him during the week to be fair. If he ever bloody listened to me he would find this out.

He's now calling me a liar and says he wants me out of the house today, he's "confiscated"my wedding and engagement rings because he knows that will hurt me the most. I also get the feeling he thinks something is going on between me and this guy. It's not, he's a friend, is half my age and young enough to be my son, we just get on well. Husband got on with him until last night. He also says I have a spending problem, I admit I do like to shop but I know when to stop. He says he has no money left but refuses to let me pay when we are out and won't let me give him any to make up for it.

I've given up fighting to be honest, everytime we argue he tells me he wants a divorce and that has got so draining that I just can't be bothered to fight anymore. I could go and stay with my parents(and get the withering looks from them about failing in my marriage) but why the hell should I when I have done nothing wrong. He has the problem, he should leave.

I don't know if someone has put the idea that this guy and I are up to no good into his head(I think they have) because it came out of the blue and the reaction is over the top. I don't have a problem with him going out every night with other woman and I have a feeling had it been anyone else he wouldn't have reacted the way he did.

I admit we have been drifting apart for a while and this past week we have felt like strangers but I thought he at least trusted me.

OP posts:

Tilapia · 16/09/2017 06:57

I'm not a gamer, so perhaps I don't understand how these things work, but I'm struggling to get why someone would ask you to marry him 'as a joke' and you would accept. It just makes no sense to me. In the circumstances I think it was reasonable for your DH to ask to see your messages (although not to confiscate your rings - they're yours).

NerrSnerr · 16/09/2017 06:59

Do you chat to the other bloke privately? If you're chatting a lot is there a chance is moving into emotional affair territory? How much time do you spend chatting to him? The marrying you thing sounds really odd and childish. Why did you have to get pretend divorced? You could have just said you didn't want to play that game or whatever anymore.

Your husband shouldn't have confiscated your rings but I can see why he's feeling hurt.

sofato5miles · 16/09/2017 06:59

I am trying top9ck the threads out of your post.

I think that the argument is actually about a much bigger issue. The hiding of your rings is very unusual. They are yours, not his. That is controlling.

The arguments Re money are odd, and controlling again. (So if you don't pay, and he has no money, who actually pays?).

There seems to be a lot of jealousy and it sounds utterly wearing.

And you relationship with your parents sound odd ( withering looks etc). Are you too much of a people please?

MaisyPops · 16/09/2017 07:05

He is over reacting in my opinion and taking your rings is just nasty and designed to hurt you.

I don't think you should have to show your messages and the stubborn aide of me would refuse in principle (does he then get to check on demand if it makes him feel better? What if you decide you'be had enough and then stop allowing it? Will he takr that as proof of an affair?)

He's probably acting like this because like you he feels there's been a bit of distance. But rather than be a man about it and look at you discussing YOUR marriage, he has decided it's easier to start having a go at your friendships.

Should say, I'm really not a fan of phone checking/password sharing etc in relationships as a way of proving how much you trust each other.

SonicBoomBoom · 16/09/2017 07:05

I think you are both being unreasonable.

You about this guy. Him about the money and hiding your rings etc.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/09/2017 07:07

You are both being unreasonable

Angelf1sh · 16/09/2017 07:07

This whole thing is really odd and I don't completely follow it but the whole married/divorced thing was childish and I can see why it might have upset him and resulted in him wanting to look at messages between you. Everything else seems like a massive overreaction and so there's clearly more to it than you've said. If he genuinely wants you to leave because of this single event then he has serious issues and is being unreasonable. But it's not a one-off is it? You have bigger problems than this one gamer.

Bohemond · 16/09/2017 07:09

You both sound like children - are you even old enough to be married to anyone?

Bananamama1213 · 16/09/2017 07:14

My DH is a gamer, I'm not. He has a few friends that he speaks to over mic. I can't hear what they are saying, but they would occasionally hear me as he was in the same room as me. (This didn't bother either of us as I was aware they could hear me).

One of his friends joked that I could be his wife instead. My DH said "good, you can take her!" because it was clearly a joke!

Many many years ago in the early stage (teenagers) of our relationship, I was really horrible to him.. we broke up and I was mad at him, so I slept with his best friend. I told him and I'm the end he did forgive me. It was near the time of leaving school and they actually stayed friends. It was a one time thing and never spoken of between me and the guy again. DH drifted from this friend until a couple of years ago. Now they're really close again and talk/he'll come over. DH has no issues with me being around him, or even me being alone with him (he took me to pick up our children one day as he was leaving when I was) and he came over to look at our washing machine when DH was working.

If my DH can get over that easily.. then I think yours is definitely being unreasonable.
My DH doesn't ever ask to look at my phone - he doesn't ever want to go on it either. Because we are married, and he trusts me.

TheRat · 16/09/2017 07:22

It all sounds horribly immature. How old are you both?

My advice is to step away from the computer a bit as you both seem a bit too invested in the olive community. Try and focus on each other and your real life relationship more.

And as others said, you are both being unreasonable.

TheRat · 16/09/2017 07:22

Olive = online! Ha

Crazyunicornlady · 16/09/2017 07:24

It seems like something deeper here than just one silly moment of jealousy over a fellow gamer.

You need to talk and find out why you've drifted apart and whether you both want to fix it.

featherup · 16/09/2017 07:34

Do you have ANY DC together? And do you jointly own your property?

I would see this as a sign to start getting your ducks in a row.

IMO the withering looks from parents are short lived, a bad relationship is not (I've done both, as lots of us probably have!).

Esspee · 16/09/2017 07:36

Are you a teenager yet?

Joysmum · 16/09/2017 07:53

He feels insecure. If my dh felt insecure I'd be doing all I could to find out why because I respect him and know that even though I didn't understand, he's not an areshole who'd choose to feel bad. So I'd want to find out the trigger and then then working out if we could fix it because it would hurt me to know he was hurting so I'd want to stop that.
of course in a healthy relationship nobody needs to see anyone's messages and you don't feel insecure so you don't need to see his. He doesn't feel secure and so that's not a fair comparison.
Your rings are yours, he has no right to take them.
Every time you argue he tells you he wants a divorce. That's ridiculous. Couples argue but threatening divorce is beyond the line. What is he doing to try to get you both to work through your issues? If you both aren't making changes then things won't ever get better and you'll stay unhappy.
Money. You say you spend but know when to stop. You may know when you think you should stop but it's probable that doesn't tally with what he thinks is acceptable. Dh and work out our finances do we have equal spending money after bills and savings and this goes into our own current accounts. Neither of us need to monitor the other as we can only spend our own money. This means we never argue about money.
I should just point out that my comments are based on my own marriage. Neither me or my dh are arseholes and we both want what's best for the other and aren't co trolling or abusive etc. I say this because quite often threads like this escalate and additions posts then make it clear it's an abusive relationship.

picklemepopcorn · 16/09/2017 07:53

It depends how seriously you take the gaming fantasy world, I think. Unless I have misunderstood, your online character married someone other than your husband's. For you, it's all fantasy and doesn't matter. It sounds as though your husband takes it more seriously. If everything else was ok, I'd try and explain that to him and apologise for not realising how much it would hurt him. I'd let him see the messages and ask him to apologise for not trusting you.

That said, there seem to be other issues. If this is the last straw, then you need to just 'organise' your way out of the marriage.

rookiemere · 16/09/2017 08:08

So not totally an online relationship then if you know this guy in person.

It sounds like you're having an emotional relationship with the other bloke - lots of online chatting, sharing hopes and dreams etc. and yes I can see why your DH got annoyed that you "married" someone else.
If you'd genuinely wanted to appease your Hs fears you'd have shown him your messages and I suspect the real reason you won't is because you don't want him to see them.

His reaction doesn't sound great either. If you genuinely want to salvage your marriage then I suggest both of you go gaming and messaging cold turkey for a while - go away together for a break - stop inviting blokes round that you flirt with. Or make a decision that it's over.

Gorgosparta · 16/09/2017 08:11

Can you clarify the money bit?

It sounds like you spend until he has no money left, but then you still do?

Does he pay all the bills? I cant work this out.

KitKat1985 · 16/09/2017 08:11

This is all very odd. From what I can gather your online character married your friends online character, and your real DH asked you to make those characters divorce because he was upset by it. That in itself all seems really childish and odd. I'm guessing the backstory to this is that your DH feels uncomfortable about this friend of yours in general. I guess if you and your DH have been having issues and your DH sees that you are clearly good friends with this other guy it's understandable to some extent that he feels a bit insecure. I'd probably put your friend off from coming over today and you and your DH have a serious chat about whether you seriously want to continue your marriage.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 16/09/2017 08:15

You both sound as though you need to grow up.

Fewregrets · 16/09/2017 08:18

Why is the guy coming over today?

PaintingByNumbers · 16/09/2017 08:20

Okay, so what is the situation here if you split up? Own or rent house? Shared assets? Shared debts? I think i'd be planning a future apart, even if you dont take him at his word today. The relationship sounds crappy. Incidentally, could he be being unfaithful? Sometimes a sign is accusing the partner of infidelity.

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2017 08:22

Honestly, you both sound about 12. Time to grow up.

Whocansay · 16/09/2017 08:31

Had you all been drinking? It all seems like a huge overreaction over nothing. He shouldn't be taking our rings away. It's controlling and childish.

I assume you don't have children? I would think hard about if you're really right for each other in the long term.

Cupoteap · 16/09/2017 08:38

Erm..ok

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