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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm annoyed with him

29 replies

Fannylodger · 16/09/2017 06:11

I was talking with somebody for a while, met up a couple times. We'd speak everyday and he became part of my routine really. But I don't regard us having been in any way committed or especially close.
In my personal life a personal trauma (I won't name it here) reared its ugly head and I had a bit of a break down of sorts. Realised I was not ready. I was as honest with him as possible but to be honest at that moment and now being with another man makes me feel queasy. I will be receiving professional help don't worry about that but I'm in no fit state to be in a relationship.

We spoke on email, Skype, kik and text. I blocked his number, he messaged me on kik so I deleted it (at this point it was just "hey"). I don't want to speak with him.
Then he emailed me saying it's not for him to judge me or push me but if I ever need him please get in touch he'll be waiting I felt bad about ignoring so I just said "thank you but it won't be necessary".
Then a whole heap of shit started he said he'd considered me as much a part of his days as x and y and that he thought I felt the same I Said "yes, but I don't want to go back to that. There are lots of people though and you'll find that again. Please leave me alone"
Since then I've had four emails I don't know how to block him on email (gmail+ yahoo though he's only messaging my gmail ATM).
Emails consist of
"Please trust me I want to be there for you" and then a load of shit basically taking it as an insult that I'm not leaping into his harms ("what have I done for you not to want to confide in me or support you" etc etc)

He's making it all about him and frankly I am completely offended by this I just want to do what's best for me I broke it off about a week ago the emails started arriving yesterday any idea what I can do either with blocking him or something I can say to make him fuck off????

OP posts:

Original poster

Fannylodger · 16/09/2017 06:12

Arms not harms, etc. sleep deprived partially due to this
Please ask me if you need to translate my fuck ups.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 16/09/2017 06:30

He sounds annoying

I think you can mark his emails as spam and then they vanish although not sure how to do it exactly.

I think the best response is no response. Silence is a response in itself.

Godotsarrived · 16/09/2017 06:34

You can add his email address to cblock senders lists and they go into junk. I did this and also set up an automatic response to advice any sender that my inbox only received mail from authorised email addresses. I googled how to do it for hotmail. Works well.

Original poster

Fannylodger · 16/09/2017 06:51

Thanks I'll have a feel around and google how to block him on both (as he has both of my emails).

OP posts:

Crazyunicornlady · 16/09/2017 07:36

Your said you aren't ready for a relationship but you indicated that what you had was just a casual, albeit regular, friendship.

I think this man may be confused and hurt that you have completely shut him out, I get that you have reasons but it seems harsh to totally block him after allowing him to be a part of your daily life.

AdalindSchade · 16/09/2017 07:41

it seems harsh to totally block him after allowing him to be a part of your daily life

She doesn't owe him friendship or a relationship though. She has explained kindly why the relationship is over. Do you apply that logic to any relationship that ends? A marriage? If you ask someone not to contact you they should respect that, especially someone who you haven't known long and only met up with a couple of times.

Shoxfordian · 16/09/2017 07:49

It's not harsh to block him when you've told him you're not interested and he keeps contacting you

dolcezza99 · 16/09/2017 08:18

I think you're being harsh too, bordering on mean. Poor man's done nothing wrong.

Walkacrossthesand · 16/09/2017 08:31

But what should OP do, then? Carry on dialoguing with this chap when she doesn't want to, just so as not to hurt the delicate flower's feelings?! She started out polite & apologetic but he won't take no for an answer so now she has to block him. I think you're spot on, OP.

AdalindSchade · 16/09/2017 08:43

I think you're being harsh too, bordering on mean. Poor man's done nothing wrong

This is so SAD. No woman owes a man any kind of relationship. He hasn't earnt a place in her life by being nice. Actually he's not being nice at all now because he's totally ignoring her wishes.

dolcezza99 · 16/09/2017 08:45

He wasn't just some random she'd exchanged a couple of messages with. They were friends. They spoke every day and had met up. To just ditch a friendship for no reason is cruel. She hasn't even given her friend an explanation. I hate the way people see friends as dispensable. It's wrong and I think the OP is being very selfish.

AdalindSchade · 16/09/2017 08:46

They weren't 'friends' they were dating. Even if they were just friends it's irrelevant. She doesn't owe him anything. Jesus.

bonzo77 · 16/09/2017 08:49

I think you need to do some research. He's harassing / stalking you. Keep / screen shot everything. He's an entitled idiot who currently won't take no. If he was a good person he'd say he was as sorry about what's going on in your life, wish you well and leave it at that. Stalking is now a crime. If you suspect he knows where you live (and even if you don't), I'd be calling 101 for some advice.

dolcezza99 · 16/09/2017 08:51

What else would you call someone you spoke to every day if not friends? Poor man has no idea what he's done wrong to be cast aside like that, and the OP hasn't even given him the courtesy of an explanation.

user1493413286 · 16/09/2017 08:57

Tell him to stop emailing you or you'll report it to the police as harassment. There won't be any coming back from that so as long as you don't want anything with him in the future. He's not respecting your wishes and by continuing to contact you he is harassing you.

AdalindSchade · 16/09/2017 09:03

Poor man has no idea what he's done wrong to be cast aside like that, and the OP hasn't even given him the courtesy of an explanation

Yes! She has! And even if she hadn't, when you're dating someone it's ok to end it for any reason. Sheesh.

AlternativeTentacle · 16/09/2017 09:05

I was as honest with him as possible but to be honest at that moment and now being with another man makes me feel queasy

What is not clear about this?

buckeejit · 16/09/2017 09:08

When you say as honest with him as possible, that's a bit vague.

I'd say you should send a message to say 'thanks for your friendship/whatever & you've done nothing wrong but I need to spend some time alone & work through things now. I'm sorry if you feel this was going somewhere but I don't think this relationship is what I need right now so won't contact you again. I wish you the best for the future.

If you were in daily contact & part of the routine I think it's a bit mean to just suddenly stop. However if you've already sent something like the above then you've explained yourself

MadameJosephine · 16/09/2017 09:31

tell him to stop emailing you or you'll report it to the police as harassment

^^ this with bells on, you've asked him to leave you alone and he's taken no notice, you don't owe him anything

TresDesolee · 16/09/2017 09:37

OP as PPs have said it's not completely clear (probably because you're sleep deprived!) whether you have sent him one crystal clear message about what has changed. It might help if you did. You only need to do this once and you absolutely don't have to say anything about your personal circumstances, you can just say 'something has come up that I have to deal with, I cannot be in a relationship at the moment, and my relationship with you feels too close to dating to be comfortable for me. I'm asking you to stop contacting me, please.'

Then if he carries on, it's harassment and you can take steps if you want to.

If you've already sent a similar message and he's ignored it, ditto. But it sounds as though he might (perhaps) genuinely not understand what has changed.

Original poster

Fannylodger · 16/09/2017 09:56

I told him briefly what the original incident was and what has caused the trauma to rear its ugly head. He wasn't cast aside with no explanation, I just want to be careful about details I give on here. I didn't go into a huge amount of detail and the how where when but I did tell him what happened.

To clarify, we were dating. But not committed/exclusive etc. I would consider him a friend yes but not a particularly close one. I only knew him for four months and dated him for less than that.
It was headed for a relationship but a years old trauma was brought up by another event in my life that I was involved in and I've broken down a bit - to the point that I have self harmed for the first time in 3yrs. I'm in 0 place to be anywhere near this man or any other.
Mean? Well, I'll take that on the chin.
I'd rather be mean than put my mental health below somebody else's feelings

OP posts:

Original poster

Fannylodger · 16/09/2017 09:58

Message 1 which happened over text.
I told him what had happened years ago and what's brought it back up into my life now. I ended it.
He said he was sorry and he understands.

Message 2 and 3 detailed in my OP. Which was, thanks, but it won't be necessary (read op for further depth if needed) and number 3 was (paraphrased) there are other people out there so please leave me alone.
That's the correspondence I've entered in since/including ending it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fannylodger · 16/09/2017 10:01

Re: message 1, I also explained how this has made me feel and the uncomfortable feelings I have about being intimate and close with someone right now and that I need to be with those who knows in depth what happened and will help me through reliving it (parents, sister. Etc. I'm staying with them for the month). I explained why it's not best for me to be with anybody outside of that right now and I need time to myself etc. as I said I tried to be honest and clear about the fact this genuinely isn't on him

OP posts:

TresDesolee · 16/09/2017 10:04

Oh right. Sorry to make you lay it all out again. In that case he's being a massive arse and a weirdo and your instincts are completely correct.

AdalindSchade · 16/09/2017 10:08

Op please don't feel you have to justify yourself here. You ended the relationship (such as it was, meeting a couple of times and daily texting for a 'while' isn't really a relationship) and you were perfectly clear. This man isn't respecting your wishes or your boundaries.

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