Help my anxious DD, please.

[catcatcatcat]

I know this isn't relationships really, posting for traffic and support: I am in desperate need of help for my almost 7yo DD. For the past 18 months she has had huge anxiety issues. This manifests itself in anger, upset, difficultly separating from me, cripplingly low self-esteem & a sense of real sadness the whole time.

She now hurts herself when she's frustrated or angry & can't cope with her emotion. Biting, pinching, biting her tongue, pulling at her skin on her face/eye lids etc. She also regularly talks about wishing she was dead and had not been born.

I could talk for a long time about individual incidents but you get the picture. It happens more and more. I am in desperate need for help but just don't know what to do. Dr is good but CAMHS said it's not serious enough for help. School will do nothing as she's good there (petrified of being told off or in trouble).

I don't know where to turn and cannot cope. I have read up on everything and employ all the tactics that people say about how to speak to her/what to say etc. But I need help. And there seems to be NONE for her age. I think I might have posted this before last year, or perhaps just considered posting! But it's just so bad again.

Could you afford to go private? There's a really good book that is supposed to help with childhood anxiety, hold on and I'll try and find what it's called..

Anxiety UK have a telephone helpline (there is a cost) or you can email them for advice and strategies. The young minds website also might be useful.
Do school have any staff trained in mental health and wellbeing? Maybe an ELSA trained TA. They might work with your DD in school using a book based programme such as pp suggested. Amazon is a good place to start.
Good luck

What tactics have you used, specifically?
If we know exactly what sorts of things you are saying to her it will help us not give unhelpful advice.

Fwiw I think self harm in a 7 year old warrants camhs involvement. I would ring and ask to actually speak to the on call officer.

Can you give insight in to how situations develop and what specifically upsets her

Ask school for a referral to the nurse. She may be able to access counselling services (our secondary can).

Kooth is an online support service for children and young people. kooth.com

Will she try mindfulness apps or meditation time with you?

These all helped my DD but she was slightly older. The most important thing was identifying the cause and triggers of anxiety as much as dealing with the anxiety itself.

What did the initial anxiety stem from? What changed?

Go to your gp and get a CAHMS referral or if you're in London go straight to St. George's paediatric a& e as an incident happens they have on call to CAHMS and will get you immediate help for her. Wishing you good luck, your poor dd.

Was there something that happened around the time her anxiety developed? Separation from her dad, bereavement, new partner on the scene, new childminder or after school club?

Oh poor wee thing. DS is nearly 7 and showing signs of similar and I have to admit I am worried.

One thing I would say is, I had similar at the same age and it was largely ignored or brushed under the carpet. The fact that you are aware, proactive and helping her is a fantastic thing.

I am sorry if this upsets you to ask but is there a family history of anxiety or depressive disorders? There definitely is with me/ my son, and it's a double edged sword as at least it affords me some understanding!

[Flowers]

There could be an initial anxiety trigger BUT for a small minority of children there will be no particular trigger, or the trigger will be something that another child for whatever reason may just have brushed off.

I am not saying 'don't investigate': all I am meaning is that something the 'cause' will be nebulous or hard to identify and what you need are strategies to help you cope. Obviously there may be environmental factors you can address but don't beat yourself up if you cannot identify these.

Should have said ELSA are emotional literacy support assistants. Many schools now have TAs trained as this and they should be able to access EP supervision for their interventions if they feel out if their depth.
If she is fearful and trying so hard to be good in school, that will be a concern for staff. Anxious kids don't learn as well as content kids. She doesn't have to misbehave there for school to help her and you.
Has anyone recommended a parenting course or local support? They may be able to help you make more sense of her anxiety and behaviour, and therefore respond to it more confidently.
Is there anyone else at home or locally who can support you?

It's easier said than done but that saying "the squeaky wheel gets oiled" comes to mind here. Another GP might be more sympathetic or helpful. You could get a second opinion maybe? Or just keep going back till they do refer you to CAMHS.

It's awful for you to feel you are alone in this

Hi catcat

Apologies if you've been down the route of any of these things before.

Is she highly sensitive? hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-child-test/

Has she ever had anything traumatic happen? This article is about anxiety starting school but it has links on general anxiety in children and how previous trauma might affect them, even childbirth. www.tonygalvin.com/starting-school-kinesiology-can-help/

I found this article very interesting as it also mentions highly sensitive children.
www.mummypages.co.uk/we-thought-our-son-had-adhd--what-we-were-told-blew-our-minds

And finally have you tried an elimination diet? There are all sorts of research results appearing lately on how mental health and fear responses are linked to gut bacteria. My DS is coeliac and when he gets gluten his anxiety sky rockets. He can't let me out of his sight, cries all the time, worries himself sick and has also mentioned wanting to kill himself when he's in a state. I freaked out the first time I heard him say that but having had conversations with other Mums found out lots of kids say it in anger.

Thanks all, I shall try to answer as many questions.

She has always been highly sensitive, nothing changed though to "cause" this - it just started. I have racked my brains for hours trust me, absolutely nothing.

We can scrape together for private help but I am struggling to even find decent people about for that, we're in Norfolk.

GP is brilliant but can't do much but keep referring. School are TERRIBLE. Flat out refused to do anything at all to help saying the main thing is just to keep getting her to school and maybe me being anxious causes it (it doesn't).

I have tried worry books, worry teddy. Talking about feeling generally she gets too upset about and can't cope - same with reading some of the books together. She continually says she is dumb, stupid & angry. She is actually very intelligent.

I speak very carefully to her, naming her feelings, saying sorry she feels that way about herself but we all love her etc. I never minimise and keep my worries and upset inside.

I think that's about it. Thank you all. I'll look into some of the websites/help you have posted.

It's been a particularly shit day. My friends don't get it at all. I just want to run away from it all - which I won't - but I actually feel sick with panic and worry. I don't know how to cope. Oh, and I've tried to get support and help for myself but was turned away saying that I can do a group CBT course but that's all - and it was a day I work anyway.

Oh, and I can tell when she's going to "go" & can sometimes manage to divert & distract her. However sometimes I fail and we have big meltdowns.

The other worrying thing is that she's losing her appetite & unbelievably distracted/finds it hard to concentrate. Which with all the others things looks like signs of child depression.

DS had to see a counsellor that the school had at that time when he was eight (and I'd encourage you to keep on at the drs for access to that). But we'd already started using a book called What to do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide by Dawn Huebner.
DS still uses bits from the book now when he feels overwhelmed and he's twelve. I found it so helpful, especially the 'is it a rational fear?' bit and also the rationing time spent each day talking about worries.
It's a lovely book. Your DD gets to draw in it and she can start to read it by herself as she gets older but to start with you and her do the sections together. Wishing you and your DD the best.

Thank you all

My dd suffered badly from anxiety until year 8 or high school (totally different child now).

At the age of 7 she was probably at her worst and we tried many things, evenings/bed times were the worst, often she would be in tears, anxious about the next day, worried about things that had happened, most were tiny things. I used to get her to write down all the good things that had happened during the day and we would stick them on her wall by her bed (sticky notes) so she could concentrate on the good things instead of the not so good. We also used mindfulness techniques to distract her mind. Things improved a little bit towards the end of primary school but then the first year of high school was hard, she's now in year 9 and is confident and much less anxious (she has her moments but nothing like when she was younger. My dd has a diagnosis of Aspergers, doctors and specialists were not much help and basically said 'tough, it's just a part of Aspergers'. Keep pushing for help.

Word for word I could have written your post about my 10 year old dd. We couldn't get help through school as she was so well behaved there (petrified of getting into trouble!) and CAHMS rejected her 3 times. Our doctor thought she was perhaps on the autistic spectrum. We are paying for her to have counselling privately which has helped a bit. We have also realised that by really emphasising the fact she is 'self harming' and threatening to kill herself (these are not the most 'serious' of all her issues at the moment but they seem to be the things that CAHMS reacts to) we are finally, after 18 months of asking for help, getting somewhere. School are now taking it seriously and have enrolled her on the Thrive program and she will be having one to one counselling at school and CAHMS are finally getting involved. They also believe she is not autistic but is suffering trauma/attachment issues due to a traumatic event when she was 2 and again at 5. I really feel for you as I know exactly what you, and your daughter, are going through and it is horrendous. Keep going back to the doctors, arrange a meeting with your school's SENCO and school nurse and keep pestering. Wishing you and your daughter all the best x

Kooth are good, we use them at work.

You can present at A&E, please don't feel like this is not urgent or important enough. They will help you.

When children become aware that life is finite, people are not always kind and that 'stuff', happens through no fault of their own or anybody else's, a child who is sensitive and highly attuned to their environment/other people, can have a type of breakdown that the adult world often fails to acknowledge or take seriously.
You are doing all the right things OP. But there are some tactics you could adopt to help you on the road to their re-balancing.
Try to get your child to express their anger/upset/trauma through art, writing stories, craft based activities, dance...whatever you think may serve as a vehicle for expressing their pain and discomfort that is safe for them and for you.
What they need is your unconditional love, support and understanding and they do appear to have that in spades.

I was also wondering if it could be Autism. I'm autistic, I have struggled with anxiety for most of my life. What you are describing could constitute meltdowns - especially since you recognise when she has the potential to 'go'. I would definitely suggest reading up on autism in girls - Tania Marshall is a good place to start. Also have a look at The explosive child. I am only 1/4 of the way through it but it's already opened my eyes to how we are with DD (4 - I suspect could well also be an Aspie). I really hope you get the support you both need.

When my DD was about 8 her anxiety got really bad. We managed to find a music therapist who was qualified in CBT who worked wonders with her. Not cheap - about £40 a session I think, and she had fortnightly sessions for about 6 months - but it really helped. She was also diagnosed autistic aged 9. Think we found a therapist here: www.cbtregisteruk.com/Default.aspx

I could have written your post word for word about my son five years ago. His anxiety levels were through the roof, he was deeply depressed and struggling in a world that was too bright, too busy and too loud for him. School caused the majority of his anxiety as did change.

A friend hinted that she thought my son might be on the spectrum. After contacting the national autistic society I, at their advice wrote a letter explaining everything that was bothering our son. My husband and I took our son to the gp and handed the letter over. Our gp put through an urgent referral to the children and family team and the following week (at a clinic to decide if he warranted going on the waiting list for assessment,) a psychologist advised us that whilst she had to follow procedure and go through the assessment process, we should research everything that we could on autism. She made it clear that he would definitely be diagnosed (which he was, a year later) as autistic.

We discovered that sensory overload was causing a lot of our sons anxiety. A sensory tent, weighted blanket, sensory toys, ear defenders, dark glasses for when outside, visual schedules and visual routines were all tools that helped. The biggest improvement by far however, has been removing our son from school to home educate him. We have a happy, content child now. He has progressed amazingly since we started home educating him.

I advise contacting the national autistic society. They were a fantastic help to us, they run drop in sessions for parents, regular parent workshops and they have a plethora of resources available for parents/ loved ones of those on the spectrum. Girls do present differently to boys, this can make seeking diagnosis difficult. The national autistic society may be able to advise you on finding a specialist who is used to working with girls who are on the spectrum.