Help my anxious DD, please.

[catcatcatcat]

I know this isn't relationships really, posting for traffic and support: I am in desperate need of help for my almost 7yo DD. For the past 18 months she has had huge anxiety issues. This manifests itself in anger, upset, difficultly separating from me, cripplingly low self-esteem & a sense of real sadness the whole time.

She now hurts herself when she's frustrated or angry & can't cope with her emotion. Biting, pinching, biting her tongue, pulling at her skin on her face/eye lids etc. She also regularly talks about wishing she was dead and had not been born.

I could talk for a long time about individual incidents but you get the picture. It happens more and more. I am in desperate need for help but just don't know what to do. Dr is good but CAMHS said it's not serious enough for help. School will do nothing as she's good there (petrified of being told off or in trouble).

I don't know where to turn and cannot cope. I have read up on everything and employ all the tactics that people say about how to speak to her/what to say etc. But I need help. And there seems to be NONE for her age. I think I might have posted this before last year, or perhaps just considered posting! But it's just so bad again.

Has she had basic blood tests? B12

She's had no blood tests.

Thanks for all the links. She displays some of the things from the aspie girls list but not all, I'm really not sure about that, but in the long term could be something to pursue thank you.

My plan is to get a meeting with the SENCO at school, not get fobbed off, and attempt to make progress with CAMHS in a more forceful way after the first rejection.

I can't give up work to home educate & truly believe in inclusive schools, a provision should be made for all students to progress within mainstream education. My DD has wonderful friends & a real love for learning that I can't take away from her. It's absolutely the right choice for some, but not for us.

Lots to think about. Now to get through the weekend!

Was thinking of your DD last night, catcat. From what you've said it's been since she was just older than 5 when it started. I'm wondering if school was the thing that tipped her into severe anxiety. My DS was quite happy for the first 2 years of school, with a couple of wobbles, but I had to take him out and homeschool him during the third year as he couldn't bear to be apart from me. He's at a different school now (private) and he is generally happy to go there, unless he's had gluten and we go through the whole saga again. We're not well off by the way, it takes a lot to scrape the fees together! I think the anxiety may have been triggered by the teacher moving him to a different desk, where children were sometimes moved if they'd been disruptive. He was convinced she thought he was naughty and was dreadfully upset. (He's not at all naughty as he can't bear people to be cross with him.)

We can't keep anything from him that you might normally not tell children, everything has to be explained as appropriately as I can for his age. A few years ago, DH was finding work very stressful and we spent a couple weeks talking about options fairly incessantly, without telling DS what was going on. We were both very worried and stressed but it eventually occurred to me to talk to DS. He sobbed (huge body wracking sobs) for about an hour and then said he knew we'd been different and thought we might have been - wait for it- aliens. He was quite small. Since then I explain all sorts of things to him - I do downplay them a bit and I tell him I'm worried/stressed/upset but he can see I'm mostly getting on with things, or not, depending on how bad it is! I try and explain our emotions to him all the time and he seems to increasingly understand emotions are transient. He'll often say to me not to worry now, that such-and-such will blow over/work out.

I've explained to him that when he is really anxious it's his brain and body making him feel that way and the anxieties aren't real, in that there have been many many times that he's been in those same situations and everything has been fine/he's had great fun. This is generally in relation to him being away from me, whether it's going to school or on a play date. I don't force him to go but I try and get him to remember times he's been happy and say how he is feeling at the moment is just for now and it will pass and get better.

I co-sleep with him when necessary. He went through a phase of being scared to go to sleep in case he had a nightmare (he's never had nightmares) so I said I'd be right there all night. He still worried about it but less so.

I don't know if you're getting any kind of support for yourself, I mean emotional support and sympathy and a break. I know it's so difficult. The last episode we had he didn't want me to go to the shop as he'd miss me too much...but wouldn't feel up to coming with me either. I was rushing to get home and couldn't do a weekly shop except online. He was following me into the loo even and he's 9! Though in general we are quite relaxed about bathroom doors I found this hard to cope with. He was obsessed with the possibility of war, terrorism and natural disasters. (I spent a lot of time explaining about the UN, EU, international diplomacy, NATO, geological fault lines, conditions for tornadoes etc etc). And anything I mentioned in the ordinary way he'd find ways it could go wrong-there might be a bully there, I might fall, I'll miss you, something bad might happen. The last one drove me nuts as there was nothing specific I could counter with. I'm not even sure if reassuring him even worked as he would just find something new to be scared of, including death, mine or his (what could I say?) but I eventually went down the road of death being the worst that could happen and that leads to heaven (my personal belief) so it's not that bad and even though very lonely for the people left behind, you learn to live with their absence and be reunited eventually.

I found it all very difficult and very hard to stay patient with him. I did lose it a couple of times. Sorry for rambling on so much! It was really just to say I know how difficult it can be for the parent. Though I know with us, there is a limit as it is related to him getting gluten and the episode passes after about 6 weeks. The rest of the time he's just highly sensitive.

Vaguely ok weekend only a few small meltdowns.

Last night another very angry episode from DD. She said she wants me to hate her and be angry and be the baddest in the world, I think it's her low self-esteem.

I told her lots (as I have before) that nothing she will ever do will ever stop any of us loving her so she needs to give up trying. She asked about what if she finds the biggest knife and cuts herself.

Now a terrible morning. So angry. Hates school because of how anxious it makes her. I'm considering going and sitting in school until someone speaks to me. I cannot fathom how they won't help.

And I might ring CAMHS direct today to demand some quick help.

Who knows. Thanks all for the advice, it's nice to know there are people who have to deal with the same terrible things.

Oh. And art, dance, writing etc. Never going to happen. She's too angry and hyped up. And the rest of the time she hates talking about it because she gets so upset. It is rare I get a proper conversation about how she is feeling. She just cries and says she doesn't know why she's so horrible and doesn't know what to do.

I am trying my absolute best.

The thing that jumped out at me was that she feels responsible for how she is and that is an additional burden. Could you tell her that it is not her job to work out what is wrong or how to make it better?
That's your job as her parent.
This may be projection, because it's how I feel, but that sense that not only is there something huge wrong, but it's your job to fix it and you're a failure if you can't, can be a massive obstacle to feeling better.
I'm sure you've explained it's not her fault, but being explicit that it's not her job to fix it might help.
(Important to be clear that you can't promise miracles, but take that burden off her shoulders).

To access CAMHS you must emphasise the suicidal ideation and self harm strongly, repeatedly.

Have you considered trying her at another school to see if that makes any difference?

I've looked at another school. Would be a massive huge deal though, she has friends etc.

I will be careful to emphasise she doesn't have to solve things, I've not thought of it that way, thank you.

Hi Cat,

I was a lot like your daughter at that age (30 years ago!!). I'm a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and an introvert. I score highly on the 'sensory overload' elements of Aspergers tests, but very low on the other elements, as I interpret lots of information from other people, so I'm very good at reading other people/social behaviour, but find it exhausting being around people because I can't switch off from all that sensory input.
I can highly recommend Elaine Aron's books, and would also suggest 'Quiet' by Susan Cain (there's a lot of overlap between HSP and introversion).
I completely agree that you need to keep pushing for CAMHS if she's self-harming, but in the meantime, some things that have helped me over the years (and I apologise if this is all stuff you've tried already):

Walking: Children need 60 minutes exercise a day, but lots of that gets done in busy, noisy playgrounds, or in classes where there is structure and the stress of trying to do it correctly and please the instructor. It helps to get out walking, preferably in nature, with someone who isn't going to expect a lot of interaction. As a child, I spent time walking in the forest with my mum every weekend, and walked home from school every night from year 3, and this was very soothing and calming, and allowed me to make sense of my own thoughts (I think better when I'm moving!). Still now, if I'm feeling anxious and stressed I'll get out for a walk.
Also, it's very intense if someone sits you down and asks if something is wrong/ tries to get you to talk about feelings - it's almost as though the feelings are going to be worse if spoken out loud. I would struggle with that even now. It's far easier to talk when walking side by side with someone, and when given time to order my thoughts before speaking and raise things in my own time. This has become a family tradition, and even now with my own husband and son, if one of us is struggling or there's an issue to discuss, it'll get sorted when we're out for a walk.

Food: Lots of children this age don't get enough protein in their diet and have a very carbohydrate heavy diet (because that's what they enjoy eating - bread and fruit, essentially). This excites the nervous system and causes big swings in insulin/ blood sugar. Some neurologists are now even recommending ketogenic diets for 'excitatory' conditions like epilepsy and anxiety. This is obviously unsuitable for a growing 7 year old, but ensuring adequate protein and fat intake, and minimising simple carbs, might help calm her sensitive nervous system, and prevent the compounding problem of swings in blood sugar.

Meditation: The Headspace app has a kids section - we use this a lot at home and have a few minutes meditation after school and at bedtime (literally 2-3 minutes for my 7 year old). This is a great way to teach children with a lot going on their heads to be able to get a break from all the thoughts and feelings.

Time alone: Who else is at home? Does she get to have peace and quiet, playing alone or reading in her own room after school? If she has less sensitive siblings who always want to play, this can be exhausting and overwhelming (I speak from experience!!)

Noise/ light at home: Lots of people who have visited us comment that it is really quiet on a morning in our house. We have no TV or radio/ music playing before lunchtime at least. My parents always had the radio on in the mornings and I remember finding it really irritating, and then setting off for school already feeling 'jangled'.

I think year 3 can be a tricky time, because kids start picking out people who are 'different' and recognising their own 'differences' from others. There's also the start of the urge to fit in and be seen as 'cool'. The playground banter becomes more adversarial and can tip into bullying, especially if a child finds it difficult to come up with good verbal 'comebacks' in the moment (another introvert trait). I started being much more anxious and dreading school around this age, despite performing well when I was there.

If it helps, I also was great at school, could hold it together, but then struggled and felt bad that I couldn't control my feelings anymore when I got home. I longed to be one of those easygoing, sociable kids that just didn't seem to get bothered by stuff. As an adult, I've learned to use my sensitivity for good. I hold down a challenging professional medical job, have a loving and supportive marriage and family, hobbies and a few good friends. I wouldn't want to be any different to how I am. However, I need to prioritise good self care (all the stuff above), and very quickly get anxiety symptoms again if I don't pay attention to these.

This is a very long post! I hope some of it helps. Thank you for recognising and acting on your daughter's distress, you're a great mum to be taking it seriously and not telling her off for 'taking things too seriously' or 'thinking too much'.

My ds was like this, I was at my wits end. Could not get any help through school/camhs, went to my GP when he had meltdown at school and said he wanted to die and just got referred back to school nurse !
I thought I may have caused it by being anxious, but I was only anxious because of the way he was.
Anyhow, I persevered sent him to various clubs/activities, we went through loads until he found ones he actually liked and stuck at (still there to this day).
The actual breakthrough and turnaround was when he started secondary school (high school). I was so worried about him going because of the way he was, but he has totally blossomed into a cheeky teenager who is sports mad (hated sports) with lots of like minded new pals. I honestly don't recognise him from the child he was. I have asked him if anything bad happened at primary but he said nothing really he just didn't like it. He was only 4 when he started school and the GP said that the younger they start the more they can struggle.

I also thought about changing/withdrawing from school but ds didn't want to.

I think the point of the post is to not give up, all the things you are doing now will be helping even if you don't see it, just keep going and try new things as much as possible, I always let ds take the lead in what activities/groups he was comfortable with and never forced anything. There is light at the end of the tunnel, it won't always be like this

My first reaction to your post, if she's completely the opposite in school & quiet & fearful there, then sounds to me like she's bottling up all her feelings from school and unleashing them at home. If you can find another setting for her where she feels confident it may change things at home too.