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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Had a row with friend and know she's right

38 replies

fone · 04/04/2007 20:25

I was talking with a friend earlier and we were discussing driving lessons, I told her DH didnt allow me to take them as he believes women are too nervous to drive, she burst out laughing until she realised I was being serious, she started to question it and tell me I was stupid for putting up with him etc and I got quite defensive and we ended up in a sort of argument over it.

I came away feeling very upset and she is the only person I can talk to and now I might have ruined that but I'm more upset at what she said because its the truth, he is very controlling, he wont allow me to do the shopping by myself or anything, I can't even work. I do try and talk to him about it but he brushes it off saying I'm being silly and that he's looking out for my best interests but I want some independance. How do I make him see this?

OP posts:
Quootiepie · 04/04/2007 20:27

I am in a similar ish situation (DH just won't see it as priority me learning to drive) but seeing it from the other side, can you just book lessons yourself? I can't imagine being stopped in the way you are, DH just keeps putting it off!

Quootiepie · 04/04/2007 20:27

oh, and just call your friend and explain you were just getting defensive. I am sure she would understand

Dior · 04/04/2007 20:28

Message withdrawn

Original poster
fone · 04/04/2007 20:29

not really, he is the only one with the money, I cant access the bank account, he makes a joke of it saying I would spend all his wages on clothes and crafts but I know deep down he means it, he really thinks I would but without the money I cant book my own lessons. If I had the money I'm not sure what he'd do.

OP posts:
Quootiepie · 04/04/2007 20:29

What would happen if you went out shopping alone? If he was out or something? Would he be mad, or is it just if he is around he goes with you?

Quootiepie · 04/04/2007 20:29

Do you get child benefit or tax credit into your account?

mummytosteven · 04/04/2007 20:31

. I seriously think you should talk to Women's Aid about this. I assume that you have a child and home that you are looking after, thereby freeing your DH up to go to work without having to pay for childcare/cleaning etc - i.e. you are contributing even if not working.

and tell your friend what you have said here.

SherlockLGJ · 04/04/2007 20:31

Goodness me you must be really upset this is quite serious for a first post.

ComeOVeneer · 04/04/2007 20:33

DH has no right to allow or not aallow you to do anything. You are not a child and he isn't your father. You need to have a serious chat with him. He is showing you no respect whatsoever.

ComeOVeneer · 04/04/2007 20:33

Indeed sherlock.

mytwopenceworth · 04/04/2007 20:37

sometimes members who lurk find they have nowhere else to turn and a time of crisis would make someone with no other source of support turn us, sherlock. so it makes sense that a first post could be a biggie when someone is isolated.

Fone. i think you know that this is not a healthy situation. do you have children with him? do you want to stay with him? relate is always a good place to start. i dont suppose he will go with you, but you can go alone. they have telephone help i think -or at least they did. samaritans are also good in helping you to talk thru your problems.

SherlockLGJ · 04/04/2007 20:38

Good point.

Quootiepie · 04/04/2007 20:38

O, erm... could be a namechange?

scootermum · 04/04/2007 20:38

fone-with re your friend-im sure she will understand if you just call her and explain that you got a bit defensive as its something you are a bit worried about yourself..with re your DH-no offence but he sounds worryingly controlling to me..its a bit dark ages for him to control all the money, control you going shopping etc..My friends Dad was like that-so she got her child benefit paid to her to give her a bit of 'running away' money as she called it-Im not suggesting you need to run away-but it would be nice to have that little bit put away for something for you wouldnt it?I think its important to be able to make your own decisions about what you want to do/spend sometimes..as otherwise you forget how to do it-and heaven forbid if something happened to dh-you would be buggered..
Are you happy with him controlling everything by the way?

(hope have not said anything to upset you-honestly didnt mean it if I have)

SherlockLGJ · 04/04/2007 20:39

I have just conceeded the point.

raspberryberet · 04/04/2007 20:49

He won't allow you to do the shopping by yourself.

He won't allow you to work.

He won't allow you access to money.

He won't allow you to learn to drive.

And he thinks this is looking after your best interests?? And you believe him!

Why do you allow him to treat you like this? He can only treat you like a doormat if you let him.

I don't think talking to him is going to get you anywhere, you've already tried that and he brushes you off. I'd second the suggestion to call Women's Aid. This is an abusive relationship and you need help. If you don't want to try Women's Aid, ask him to go to Relate with you.

Dior · 04/04/2007 20:50

Message withdrawn

newgirl · 04/04/2007 21:05

i am sure your friend was just worried

as we are

you should have access to your money (and it is both of your money) - a joint acct seems to be normal among my mates who are at home with children

take care

Toady · 04/04/2007 21:06

If it were me I would tell him to "feck off".

Is is possible for you to go and get a job and sort childcare out, you may not have much money left at the end of the week but at least you would have some freedom.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 04/04/2007 21:07

This isn?t normal. Has your dh always been like this? Or have you had issues with money in the past? He must give you some money at least? Cash to buy food for the kids for instance? Can you put some of that aside? Even if it?s only a tenner a week. I would also open a bank account in your name and get the child benefit paid into it. If he asks tell him that you need the money for your children, e.g. to buy them food/clothes/general things, you are the one at home with the children, and it is therefore your responsibility to take care of the child benefit. And then if your children are now of school age, I would go out and get a job. Doesn?t have to be anything glamerous, you could do avon/uzbourne/bodyshop ? something that pays some commission to start with. And then I would tell your dh that you deserve independence because although you are raising his children, those children will leave home one day and you have the right to do something with your own life.

This is not his decision to make, it is yours, and you need to stand firm and tell him that this is what you are going to do. Tell him you are your own person and you know what is in your own best interests, and if he creates a fuss about it then I would seriously question whether the relationship is one you want to remain in for the foreseeable future.

vimfuego · 04/04/2007 21:10

I just checked the calendar because I thought I might have slipped through a time machine to 1957, but no, it's still 2007.

Too nervous ffs!

lisad123 · 04/04/2007 21:12

Sorry but your husband sounds very controlling and not very nice.
Your not allowed money, your not allowed to work, your not allowed out on your own, and Im guessing here but he properly controls who your friends with.
I hate to say it but when Im working with woman in domestic voilent relationships thats some of the first sign we discuss.
Hug

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 04/04/2007 21:18

where did the op go

Original poster
fone · 04/04/2007 22:29

Thanks for the replies, I couldnt reply earlier as he was using the pc.

I do get child benefit and child tax credits but he gets the tax credits paid into his bank account and transfers the child benefit into his account over the net when it goes in, he says its easier for the direct debits that way. I told him I wanted him to leave it in mine so that I could have a little to spend on the kids and he said I was being selfish and said he would just get them paid into his bank if I started spending it all.

I don't have many friends but I think thats to do with the money too, I cant go out or do anything as I never have any money to do things with and I think people just get sick of asking me when they know I'll say no.

He gets the shopping delivered via the net so that I have "No excuse" to go to the shops and he only buys what he likes so half the time I have nothing in that I can eat, I feel like a prisoner but he often buys me presents, he comes home with flowers, jewelery etc for me so its not as if all the money goes on him. He takes me out at least once a month and he always organises holidays for us so its not that he's a nasty person, he just doesnt understand that Im not happy living like a prisoner, I'd love to have a job, go out with friends and buy shopping that I like, I feel I would be more happy to be at home if I had the freedom to leave it but he doesnt understand that.

OP posts:
collision · 04/04/2007 22:34

I truly cannot believe you are living like this!

You must tell someone and get some help! He is keeping you as a prisoner and totally controlling you.

Talk to your friend again and tell her what is going on!