Had a row with friend and know she's right

[fone]

I was talking with a friend earlier and we were discussing driving lessons, I told her DH didnt allow me to take them as he believes women are too nervous to drive, she burst out laughing until she realised I was being serious, she started to question it and tell me I was stupid for putting up with him etc and I got quite defensive and we ended up in a sort of argument over it.

I came away feeling very upset and she is the only person I can talk to and now I might have ruined that but I'm more upset at what she said because its the truth, he is very controlling, he wont allow me to do the shopping by myself or anything, I can't even work. I do try and talk to him about it but he brushes it off saying I'm being silly and that he's looking out for my best interests but I want some independance. How do I make him see this?

he is a complete control freak!

Fone, I don;t know if you realise this but your situation and dh's attitude are off-the-scale out-of-the-ordinary. His views are nonsense - hasn't he noticed that women's car insurance is cheaper? that's because women are safer drivers than men. Fact. 2 out of 3 successful new businesses are started by women - clearly not frittering away the cash on clothes and crafts. I could go on. His attitude to women (or marriage or you) is abnormal, other wives do not live like this.

Is his attitude normal among your friends/family? Does your mother/his mother/your sisters live like this?

Your friend will stay your friend - please call her, a very light 'sorry I got a bit defensive the other day' is all you need to say

Keep posting here

fone - its great that you posted again.

at the very best your partner sounds old-fashioned - but I just don't think it all sounds that healthy - flowers holiday etc might sound great, but the couples i know choose holidays together (so it suits them both and children and budget) and go out more than once a month, and still get flowers now and then!

i really hope some of the other advice helps. take care, x

Change the password on your bank account so that he can?t log in and transfer your childrens? money into his bank account. If you don?t know the password (if he?s changed it) then ring the bank and tell them your account has been compromised and you need a new password to be set up. And then, go out and open a new bank account in your name, and go to the post office and open a post box to which all the mail relating to that bank account will be directed so that he doesn?t have to know about it. And then you go out and get a job and have all the money from that job paid into your bank account.

He does not have the right to tell you that you can?t go to the shops, that you can?t get a job, that you can?t have any money. The money is both of yours, not just his. Many abusive husbands buy their wives presents/flowers etc. it?s their way of reinforcing to their partner that they?re really not such bad people after all.

Remember, he doesn?t have to be hitting you for it to be an abusive relationship.

what does he say when you say you want to live your life?

this is seriously worrying

have you seen ifonlyhewould's thread about her controlling husband? I think it may help you

his behaviour is completely out of order. the flowers and presents are all part of the control - to make you think he's kind generous and loving

but when you love someone you do what's best for them to live a happy fulfilled life. he's NOT doing this for you.

could you see yourself living this way for the rest of your life? are you truly happy?

I'm worried about you xx

Can I just say that my sister's husband is controlling in an identical way - he did the shopping, kept all the money, if she wanted to go to, say, Tumbletots, he would ask how much it was and give her that exact amount, etc. I should add that they are now divorced and she and her two children are extremely happy and he's still a knob.

Fone, what do you think he would say/do if you were to go out and get a job?

would he actually use force to stop you doing what you want?

bump where's the op?

am and that anyone would allow themselves to be treated like this.

freckle what brought your sister to her senses?

Hi fone

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I can totally relate to everything you say.

Can i ask you, how are you in yourself? Do you have a low self esteem? Up until your friend raising concerns at your DH's behaviuor have you ever felt concerned yourself or have you just come to accept it as normal? Do you feel happy and comfortable living like this? Safe maybe?

What would be your DH reaction if you sttod your ground and told him you wanted things to be different.

This is no way for you to be living but i do understand it is easy for us to tell you this.
I think your DH is a very insecure man who controls you in such a way in an effort to make himself feel secure.
But you cannot be made to suffer for what are his insecurities.

Thinking of you xx

I think she just got worn down by it. We're talking about a very feisty, no-nonsense woman here who, once she gave up work with her first child, became dependent upon her dh. This then gave him complete control and he took advantage of it. By the time she eventually left, her children were 8 and 6. Our whole family was amazed at how she had changed into someone who feared her dh's reaction to everything she did. I think once the children started to be affected she realised what was happening and decided she could no longer live that way.

I too was a very feisty, independent woman (intelligent too ) who could stand her ground and took no nonsense from anyone so i can totally understand this.

You just sort of slip into a pattern. You don't realise whats happening until you have completely lost yourself.