Anyone think the term " gaslighting" is overused these days?

[tigercub50]

I come across this word a lot more than I used to & sometimes think it can be wrongly used. DH sometimes ( but nowhere near as often as he did) denies what he's said. I think it's a defence mechanism. On one of the forums, I get told this is gaslighting. Gaslighting is meant to make you think you're going crazy. Well, I find if frustrating & I have asked DH if he can work on his general communication skills as we seem to have some misunderstandings, but I'm definitely not questioning my sanity thank goodness. Does anyone agree that words such as gaslighting, narcissist etc are perhaps bandied about too much?

On Mumsnet, yes. In real life, no!

Mumsnet is quick to label and is often unforgiving. People on here often fail to take into account that posters' partners have their own issues and are just dismissed as simple abusers - when in reality people are complicated and acting out because of various reasons. Mumsnet likes simple labels and shouting LTB, because it's easy

Occasionally justified of course.

I agree with you. I always thought gaslighting was a more deliberate act of systematically disempowering a person by causing self doubt and confusion. Not just being crap and denying something.
And I read a lot about narcissism which seems, similarly, normal crappy behaviour exaggerated into something terrible.

When you've been on the receiving end of it, you start to see it everywhere and realise just how prevalent it is.

What sort of things does your DH deny saying?

My ex was a gaslighting, narcissistic, emotionally abusive wanker. He'd try to rewrite history, turn things around, make out I'd said things when I hadn't but then would deny it when challenged. I never felt like I was going mad though, because I trusted my own memory and version of events, but also because I'd read about it on here so recognised the behaviour

Maybe it is used a bit too often on forums, I don't know, maybe not. If it helps people in abusive relationships recognise this behaviour, then it can't be a bad thing

I have never heard or used the term gaslighting in RL. Also my iPad spell check doesn't even recognise it!

On here it is

And please no he probably isn't on the spectrum dear MN poster - he is just a selfish arse.

I think you can complain about "narcissism" being used wrongly (or just roll your eyes), as it's an actual officially defined medical condition. "Gaslighting" obviously not so much :)

Obviously not so many people actually do it like the husband in the film - deliberately following a strategy designed to make his wife go bonkers - but plenty do discover by chance that saying their partner remembers things wrong gets them out of trouble.

I guess it's a good sign that I can't actually think of that many examples but he will do it sometimes when he's feeling guilty as he knows he's fucked up. I do believe there are times when he genuinely can't remember but other times it can be only a few sentences afterwards that he's denying it. One time he accused me of attacking him (verbally) when I had been calm & when I defended myself, he denied saying it. No doubt he was being verbally aggressive himself so it was projection. I have been on the receiving end of projection & blame shifting.

Only on Mumsnet where every arsehole is a 'narc' or has some other DrGoogle diagnosed reason for being an arsehole.

Pssst! Sometimes people just don't choose wisely for whatever reason. Throwing google or Mumsnet inspired labels at them doesn't actually change that.

So yeah it is, and is one of many overused terms. On here. Not necessarily IRL

Surely you can be narcissistic without it being a diagnosed medical condition

Some useless trivia for you I played Bella Manningham in our am dram society. Gas light is a great play.

Yep. Only used to be used in Relationships to describe a specific type of emotional abuse. Now its used all over MN as a pretentious way of accusing someone else of lying.

Denying the things that you have said can be a part of haslighting but only if it is done with the intention of making the victim doubt themselves. Maybe they were just confused about the situation.

SheRaargh, sure, narcissism in its original meaning just meant being vain and overly self-satisfied, but what people talk about on here seems to be the actual rare personality disorder, which can make your life and that of others hell. www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/narcissists-are-everywhere--but-they-may-not-be-the-people-you-think-they-are/2016/10/07/175d79ee-867d-11e6-a3ef-f35afb41797f_story.html?utm_term=.d71fa450479a

I dont know why people think mumsnet is the centre of the internetverse. These terms are widely used and analysed.

How other can denying your perception of events and asserting his own be interpreted? What is the benign, loving, caring version of those events?

He wants you to shut up and accept his lies. Baseline.

It doesnt matter what label you give that, you know the truth.

What used to get me was why he would think I'd believe him - it was so recent & neither of us could have forgotten. Actually having said that, I have forgotten stuff very quickly afterwards but it was when I was angry. Another thing he used to do is put words in my mouth or say something in his defence that I hadn't even accused him of eg once he declared that he wasn't a control freak but I had never called him that. Guilt again.
I should say that our marriage is so so much better than it was. There are some deeply ingrained habits to break though. I have to work on my reactions as well but the whole dynamic has changed. I may not always get stuff resolved to my complete satisfaction but now I am not afraid to raise it with DH. I feel we are partners whereas before he was more like my father or even an employer at times!

I don't think people are talking about narcissistic personality disorder
I'm certainly not.

One time he accused me of attacking him (verbally) when I had been calm & when I defended myself, he denied saying it

Sounds pretty gaslighting to me sorry.

I think if it happens again, I need to deal with it like we've been told to deal with DD when she flatly denies saying or doing something she did right in front of us. Say very clearly " I know you did/said it". Maybe I should confiscate DH's laptop lol! All jokes aside, apart from the other day which was a genuine misunderstanding, he hasn't done it in months. I can just refuse to engage in those sort of games. My therapist never mentioned gaslighting when I explained how he behaved but she mentioned TA ( transactional analysis) & said that DH was " I'm ok, you're not ok" & that he needed to be right & found taking responsibility in an argument very difficult. It does seem like he wants to win. I used to tell myself I would walk away if he started but then whatever it was wouldn't get resolved

Anyone think the term " gaslighting" is overused these days

No - its underused. Shitty, controlling, emotionally verbally and often physically abusive behaviour from men is normally excused by women on the outside who choose not to accept or understand. Normally because the man is good looking, charming, personable, mildly spoken etc outside the home, but you don't know that behind closed doors he acts like a devil towards his partner

Also men who dish out this kind of behaviour - which thankfully is more widely recognised these days - explain it all away with The Script ie 'my ex was crazy'. & just like that, he is believed

People are shallow as fuck. Outside appearances and level of fancibility or point to which someone who is well-liked, matters greatly. No matter whats said out there. So if you say your man is a narcissist even if you're pretty clued up on it then you can't possibly be right - someone out there has already decided you, the little woman who doesn't know better, is wrong. Its another excuse not to believe the woman, and/or to minimise her experiences.

If a man is obviously loud/vulgar/aggressive then of course, the gaslighting is believed of him. Throw into the mix him being not handsome, personable etc and the belief is very strong

Gaslighting is one term - I don't care how it sounds, if it raises awareness or makes a woman suffering better able to express how she feels, then that will do

But anyway yeah, your man is gaslighting you - all that nonsensical pretending not to have said something, or not to remember. Don't engage in it

I do think its overused. It is awful to be in a situation where you are being bag lighted.

But when people argue (or in most situations) there are always 2 sides. The truth is usually somewhere in the middle. On MN, as we only here one side, when the OH disagrees with the Ops view its often labelled as 'gas lighting'. But it could be just the other persons genuine view of a situation.

I have seen it used on herr when its actually just a disagreement.

Gas lighting is very difficult to spot and very difficult for anyone to label, when all mn'ers have are words in a screen. But i think giving it a label is important, for the people experiencing actual gas lighting.

Yes. Couples don't just argue then get sad anymore. It's a narcissist with anxiety and a sociopath gas lighting leading them both to depression.

Labels. Labels everywhere.

OP, do you want to talk about hpw terms are mis/over used on here or discuss your own marriage?

Because you started a thread about one thing, but you seem to want ro talk about something else.

Are you ok?

Ifyouhappentosee - thank you. Yes I have " gone off thread" but I'm ok, although it's a work in progress I guess. Still not sure if what DH does ( or hopefully did) is gaslighting because I would have thought that goes on in many aspects of a relationship & with us, it's only in an argument. It's ages since he did it. We were talking recently & he said that I deny stuff I've said too so maybe it's a defence thing. A lot of behaviours we have as adults go back to childhood & I think DH & I are both in some ways still quite immature!
I have posted quite a bit on here & it helps in some ways but readers only get a snapshot of your life so it's difficult to judge. It would take an op too long to talk about everything