Anyone think the term " gaslighting" is overused these days?

[tigercub50]

I come across this word a lot more than I used to & sometimes think it can be wrongly used. DH sometimes ( but nowhere near as often as he did) denies what he's said. I think it's a defence mechanism. On one of the forums, I get told this is gaslighting. Gaslighting is meant to make you think you're going crazy. Well, I find if frustrating & I have asked DH if he can work on his general communication skills as we seem to have some misunderstandings, but I'm definitely not questioning my sanity thank goodness. Does anyone agree that words such as gaslighting, narcissist etc are perhaps bandied about too much?

SheRaargh try searching the site for "narcissistic personality disorder" though... or "undiagnosed narcissist". They're not just talking about someone being insufferably vain.

tigercub, I think it is useful to have a phrase for this unfortunately common situation where someone denies what you remember, or tells you they remember you being awful when you weren't, and how powerless that makes you feel, and how it can confuse you until you start to think you are remembering it wrong. It's really useful to have one word that sums all that up, so that you can recognise what's going on.

What's not so useful is that the background to the word implies that the whole thing is deliberate, maybe even part of a plot. Actually, in real life it is just that we do remember things that suit us better than things that don't, and we even remember things that didn't happen if those things make more sense to us later. That's a problem that the police have to deal with all the time in witness statements, for instance; there have been studies about it. (Unfortunately, early research into false memories tended to be used to help childhood abusers escape jail, so those studies can be quite controversial.)

Then there's also the question of whether it's useful to stay locked in blame-seeking mode for too long. It can delay the process of separation or reconciliation.

I don't think gaslighting has to be a systematic, deliberate attempt to make someone think they're crazy, but it is an attempt to make someone doubt their reality which is a bit different. I'm not convinced the gaslighter thinks "I'm going to fuck with this person's head" but instead uses it as a defence mechanism - I think using it this way doesn't mean it's not gaslighting op.

For example my mum gaslights me a bit. She will say I'm imagining things or am too sensitive. For example I asked her recently not to feed my DC a certain food and she agreed not to but also raised her eyebrows and sighed. I said "it's hard to ask things when you pull a face" and she replied "I didn't pull a face, you're seeing that because you expected it" - which makes no sense at all. Why would I expect it if it's not something she does? But it made me second guess myself and I left it, so it worked as she didn't have to apologise for/explain her reaction.

To me the correct response if you genuinely don't understand what someone is saying is to wonder why they feel the way they do, even if you can't understand it.

Along the lines of "I didn't mean to come across that way at all, sorry I made you feel that way..." etc.

I believe it's easier for my mum to deny that my feelings could possibly have any basis then it is for her to consider the situation and possibly have to admit some level of fault. I don't think this is even conscious, I think it's her automatic reaction to a situation she perceives could make her look bad - which ties in with my thoughts she has some narcissistic tendencies. Perhaps the whole concept is underused.

I have been guilty of post morteming our arguments & in the really bad days, I used to write a lot down so I ended up with bookfuls of notes! I know now that I put up with far more than I should have done & that now I have boundaries in place & DH definitely respects me more & is,to give him his due, really trying to be a much better husband & father. We have had separate counselling ( although DH only had 2 sessions before his therapist went off sick) & we are now looking into a mindfulness course which includes some CBT. I believe this would benefit us both massively as CBT helps you look at your thinking & helps you change your emotional responses

DH does now say things like " I didn't mean to come across like that" & he does apologise much more sincerely instead of just to shut me up!

I find all this very interesting

Lenl, oh yes, very familiar, could be my mother except that the reaction is too friendly :D That's another explanation I've found for my ex's behaviour, too. I think all of us have been guilty of it at some time.

Because these things are so complicated, and really not easy to understand, I do think "gaslighting" is helpful simply as a way for the recipient to understand that it's not their fault, and help clear the fog, like they say. But it's a pity that it just shifts the blame straight back to the other person rather than saying that maybe a goodie/baddie division doesn't help anyone.

@tigercub50, just wanted to say how I envy you, that you are both in counselling! I have been in counselling, but my DH refuses, and we have now agreed to split (after 17 years of marriage, 2 DC). I felt like an idiot being in counselling when he wouldn't, I can't fix our marriage on my own.

You mention transactional analysis, my counsellor was also a fan of this. I do find it very useful, when I remember it, it stops me over reacting emotionally.

Anyway, back on topic - I think gaslighting and other terms are over used for a reason. A big label helps people show empathy, and also it helps having such a big word, then you feel that you should be taken serious, and that you are truly having a rough time. It's emphasis, I guess.

Unfortunately DH has decided not to continue with the counselling ( the original therapist is back & has offered him some more sessions but he has decided not to take them). This is frustrating but I can't pressure him. He said he wasn't getting anything out of it but only had 2 sessions! Still, this mindfulness course will be good & he definitely needs to relax & learn to de stress. My sessions are over & I am considering ringing another organisation where I may be able to get some more free.

Counselling is good for you yourself anyway, whether you stay together or not, so keep up with that whatever. My ex also refused to do counselling with me, but it turned out that was because he would have had to lie his way through it as he was having an affair. Still, does feel like only one of you is willing to put the work in.

Yes, I agree, the counselling was good, but I did come to a point where everything I said to the counsellor was something I wanted to say to DH.

Sorry to hear that your DH had an affair - I am guessing that you have decided to work through it, that must have been a hard decision.

I was willing to put the work in, and we agreed to try, but it was half-hearted for both of us, and none of what we did seemed to make a difference for the other party anyway, so it didn't change much. Now I feel that it was too late anyway.

ravenmum I can't entirely agree on that one as DH has worked so hard on himself & dealing with his anger (which used to flare up unpredictably & so be extremely difficult for me & DD). He is like a different person now, much calmer & less moody, and very good at taking himself off if he feels things are brewing. He is much more empathetic now, less selfish & self absorbed. We had to reach a very low point for things to start improving but he realised just how much he had to lose if he carried on being such a nasty bastard ( his words).

Does sound promising tigercub!

Oh, that's wonderful, people do change, I am so pleased for you and your DH!

Gaslighting is a pyschological campaign to make someone doubt themselves and lose touch with reality. It has to be deliberate and sustained. That's the point of the Patrick Hamilton play where the term came from. Anything else is just straightforward lying and being a cunt really. So yes it's overused and mostly incorrectly.

greedy I understand the root of the term, I just think it's possible to be gaslighted in a slightly different way that has the same outcome - the victim doubts their reality or what has happened because someone in their life regularly implies/directly says things are different to how they are.

I'm sure deliberate, sustained attempts to make someone feel a bit mad, as in the film, (especially doing physical things, moving things around etc) are very rare. But gaslighting is a useful term to also cover the kind of lying/being a cunt behaviour that subtly keeps making someone doubt themselves (often on a sustained basis) but isn't necessarily planned by the perpetrator.

Basically I don't think use of the term just covers direct behaviour as in the film, I think it now covers (and should cover) more subtle behaviours that make others doubt themselves and feel they can't trust their own judgement/understanding of the situation. And that is quite common.