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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Something in boyfriend's past is really bothering me

35 replies

Tiempoboots · 14/09/2017 21:08

I'm a regular poster who has name-changed, because I don't want this to haunt me in future posts.

Just wondering how others would handle this.

I met my boyfriend (I'm too old for that word, but DP doesn't sound right either) online 2 years ago, and it's all going really well. We're both early 50s, he has adult kids and mine are early teens. We see eachother 3 times a week and more at weekends, and have got very close pretty quickly. He's lovely, kind, funny, helpful, respectful, considerate to me etc. All good.

His marriage ended about 6 years ago because his wife met someone else. However, about 3 years before that he had had a midlife-crisis crush on her (much younger) sister. Nothing ever happened, she wasn't interested, he confessed to his silly feelings and they all worked at putting it behind them. He admits this was probably the beginning of the end of his marriage, and obviously feels very guilty and repentant about it.

Anyway, this is where I start to get freaked out. Of course having crushes etc when you're married is wrong, and I don't like that. But what bothers me mainly is that the sister was nearly 15 years younger than him, and he had known her since she was a child, so he'd seen her growing up. It freaks me out that somewhere along the line she went, in his mind, from being a child to someone he found sexually attractive. I can't get my head around it, and it makes me queasy thinking about it.

I want to quiz him about it and berate him for it and try to figure out what went on (I only have a very brief summary), but it's a conversation that I know will be unpleasant so I bury my head in the sand. But every now and then I can't help but think about it, and it plays on my mind.

Would this be a deal breaker for you? Would you force a discussion? Or try to dismiss it as ancient history? Or walk away?

OP posts:
dippydeedoo · 14/09/2017 21:10

I don't think it's your business TBH.
He's an adult,she's an adult it was before you- he's been open and honest with the facts just not the details.
We all have life baggage.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 14/09/2017 21:14

The age gap wouldn't bother me at all. Lots of people go on to date their friends younger siblings or older siblings - it's pretty common. You know them because you grew up together, so you have that in common when you're older.

The crush would bother me more, but at least he never followed through with anything and has admitted it was because his relationship was nearing the end anyway.

But, if it upsets you, it upsets you. You don't have to carry on dating him if you don't want to.

TheyDoItOnPurposeLynne · 14/09/2017 21:14

If it makes you feel uncomfortable then you're not being silly. Honestly, pay attention to your gut when these red flags pop up. You know what your personal boundaries are. I've made the mistake of brushing these things off and thinking I must be uptight. I really regret that now

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 14/09/2017 21:15

It would make me a bit 🤢 because if he'd known her as a kid then yeah that's a bit weird.

But then if he knows it's a bit 🤢 then I'd go easy on him.

No one is perfect and he didn't act on it.

Shoxfordian · 14/09/2017 21:26

Yeah I don't think you can judge too much

Everyone has a past

Ttbb · 14/09/2017 21:32

Do the age gap wouldn't bother me (my DH and I have the same age gap) but what would bother me is (as you pointed out he knew her as a child while he was an adult and it's just creepy) and that he was disloyal (ok, he couldn't control his feelings, fine but he shouldn't have acted on them!)

WillowWeeping · 14/09/2017 21:34

Firstly crushes are fine - it's how you handle them that's the issue.

Secondly provided the sister wasn't a child when the crush occurred, its fine. I've known loads of adults since they were kids/young teens. They're just adults I've known a long time Confused

Winebottle · 14/09/2017 21:48

I disagree that having a crush is wrong. In a long relationship you are inevitably going to be attracted to others. What is wrong is acting on it. That fact that it got to the stage where she had to express that she wasn't interested shows some bad behaviour on his part. But by the age of 50 who hasn't done things they regret? Most people at that age will have had relationships break down and will have played a part in that.

I don't understand the problem with the age. Everyone was a child once. Does that mean you can't have any sexual relations?

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 14/09/2017 21:52

Wouldn't seem weird to me, he didn't fancy her when she was a child, he fancied her when she was a woman.

ravenmum · 14/09/2017 22:11

she went, in his mind, from being a child to someone he found sexually attractive.
Not in his mind, in reality. She was 25ish when he had the crush on her?

What would you berate him about?

TheNaze73 · 14/09/2017 22:14

You're overthinking it

MysweetAudrina · 14/09/2017 22:18

It's perfectly acceptable for someone to grow up, become an adult and for someone who knew them as a child to be attracted to them as an adult. Most women at 25 are very different to when they were 15. Also you can't control who you have a crush on. Its how you act that matters.

Original poster
Tiempoboots · 14/09/2017 22:19

Thank you everyone, it's really good to hear other points of view.

I'm not sure why it bothers me. I suppose it's just the thought of him first meeting her when she was about 7 and he was a young man, seeing her regularly as she grew up, then having a crush on her when she was a young adult . It feels slightly as it would feel if I started to fancy one of my friend's sons, having known them as kids. It reminds me of that creepy song "happy birthday sweet 16"!

Anyway I'm going to put it to the back of my mind I think. It's all going so well and I'm very happy with him.

OP posts:
MrsPinkCock · 14/09/2017 22:28

My DH is almost 15 years older than me. My dad is married to someone 30 years younger. My NDN have a 35 year age gap.

It really doesn't matter.

I suspect with your DP that he compartmentalised the younger and adult versions and there's nothing weird in it.

Twitchingdog · 15/09/2017 00:56

If it smells wrong to you believe it . You have youngish children is one of them a girl?

timeisnotaline · 15/09/2017 00:59

It's not weird at all. I know plenty of couples who've known each other since they were small. They obviously move beyond play date to romantic potential at some point. We expect even our parents to realise we have grown up and do adult things including have sex so why not an unrelated person of the opposite gender?

RainyApril · 15/09/2017 02:47

So when he was about 40 he developed a crush on someone who was 25? I don't think that there's necessarily anything wrong with it, in terms of the age gap or the fact that he had known her since she was a child. Many men find women in their 20s attractive, and it is certainly possible to suddenly see someone platonic in a different light.

But I do think it's extremely inappropriate to allow a crush on a partner's sibling to get so out of control that they are forced to tell you that they aren't interested, that your partner becomes aware of it. He didn't just have a private crush, he either tried to act on it or it became obvious. His poor wife. No wonder his marriage didn't recover from that killer blow. Tbh it shows him in such a poor light I'm surprised he told you about it.

MistressDeeCee · 15/09/2017 05:27

So that would be around 9 years ago? He'd have been in his 40s..how old was she then, around late 20s? Not an ideal situation at all but she wasn't a child. You've made it sound as if she was living with them from say school age and he watched her grow up. But why would that be the case she was his SIL not his daughter! So its not guaranteed he had any regular ocntact with her

I don't know why he told you tbh its all done and dusted. Still, he's told you now. What will quizzing him about it achieve? If its a dealbreaker for you then split with him as if you raise it once and don't get the answers you think you should get then you'll only raise it again. So eventually his long ago crush could kill this relationship too.

What do you expect him to say further to reassure you anyway? He's already told you how he resolved it all. In your shoes I wouldn't like it much either, but only you know whether its worth putting this into real perspective and moving on from it. Or not.

Angelf1sh · 15/09/2017 05:55

It would only be weird to me if he had been raising her as a child and then fancied her later, like Woody Allen.

WillowWeeping · 15/09/2017 13:55

My DH has know my sis since she was 7 and he was a late teen.

She's now late 30's. If he told me he could never fancy her because he'd known her as a child I'd find that a bit odd.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/09/2017 16:07

Absolutely stop overthinking this.
So with your logic, anyone who you knew as a child and is now grown up can't be sexually attractive.
Odd view!
I understand the 15 years thing but I was snogging boys in their early 20's when I was 40.
Meh!!!

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 15/09/2017 16:14

How old was he and her when he started this crush.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 15/09/2017 22:14

*Twitchingdog

If it smells wrong to you believe it . You have youngish children is one of them a girl*

Talk about jumping the gun. Bloody hell.

Peanutbuttercheese · 16/09/2017 03:09

Age gap fine
His sister in law not ideal but it happens
The fact he knew her as a child makes me feel uncomfortable.

LineysRunner · 16/09/2017 07:23

But I think a lot of people meet at school reunions and get together as couples? They obviously knew each other as children.

I think you need to talk it through. Something's bugging you. As pp said, was he coming on to her? Embarrassing her?