Something in boyfriend's past is really bothering me

[Tiempoboots]

I'm a regular poster who has name-changed, because I don't want this to haunt me in future posts.

Just wondering how others would handle this.

I met my boyfriend (I'm too old for that word, but DP doesn't sound right either) online 2 years ago, and it's all going really well. We're both early 50s, he has adult kids and mine are early teens. We see eachother 3 times a week and more at weekends, and have got very close pretty quickly. He's lovely, kind, funny, helpful, respectful, considerate to me etc. All good.

His marriage ended about 6 years ago because his wife met someone else. However, about 3 years before that he had had a midlife-crisis crush on her (much younger) sister. Nothing ever happened, she wasn't interested, he confessed to his silly feelings and they all worked at putting it behind them. He admits this was probably the beginning of the end of his marriage, and obviously feels very guilty and repentant about it.

Anyway, this is where I start to get freaked out. Of course having crushes etc when you're married is wrong, and I don't like that. But what bothers me mainly is that the sister was nearly 15 years younger than him, and he had known her since she was a child, so he'd seen her growing up. It freaks me out that somewhere along the line she went, in his mind, from being a child to someone he found sexually attractive. I can't get my head around it, and it makes me queasy thinking about it.

I want to quiz him about it and berate him for it and try to figure out what went on (I only have a very brief summary), but it's a conversation that I know will be unpleasant so I bury my head in the sand. But every now and then I can't help but think about it, and it plays on my mind.

Would this be a deal breaker for you? Would you force a discussion? Or try to dismiss it as ancient history? Or walk away?

Nothing wrong with the crush on his partner's sister.

Suspect the uneasy feeling relates to worries about your own children. Not a lot you can do but be wary. Very wary.

I don't think it's a big deal but in reality none of us could possibly say what was going on in his head. The feelings may have come over him well after she had become an adult.

Mr Knightley in Emma was in love with her from the age of 13, when he was a fair bit older. I always found that weird!

Nothing weird about that at all. I went out with my older sister's male friend-who I'd known since I was 9/10-when I was 24.

I think a lot of people are missing the point you're making OP - obviously there's nothing weird about people who knew each other as kids going on to have a relationship as adults, but he was an adult when he knew her as a child so I think it's different. Honestly I'd find it weird...

But I think a lot of people meet at school reunions and get together as couples? They obviously knew each other as children.
Totally different if they were both children!
OP , is it like, when they met he was 25 and she was 10? If they saw each other a few times a year even, that's quite a bit over the years. When he was 30, she was 15 and so on.
I'm going against the majority and saying it would make me very uneasy too. Not that he maybe developed a bit of a fantasy sexual attraction to her, but knew it was not on. More that it got to the point of a declaration. She must have been mortified and felt. Eeeewww.
Trust instincts ALWAYS.

Oh x posted with spam saying same thing!

I think it's 'she wasn't interested' that bothers me about this. An inappropriate crush, fine, it happens to everyone, but going so far as to find out she wasn't interested would alarm me. He should have known it was inappropriate (because age, but also, because it was his wife's sister!) and steered well clear.

He met his ex wife's sister when she was 7 years old and he was 22. He was married to the older sister and as the younger sister grew up he had a massive crush on her which damaged the marriage. I cannot see any reason why you should feel okay with this. People posting about age gap relationships or couples who met as children should RTFT.

It's not really the age gap that would be an issue for me. It's 1) him knowing her as a child and then having the crush and 2) Him not recognising the boundaries of her being a SIL.

No way would I view my BIL as someone to fancy.

If my DH who has seen my nieces from little girls suddenly fancies them now they are early twenties, it would be disgusting to me and it would be the end of my marriage.

If I was in your position and had a teen DD, I'd feel history could repeat itself in a few years.

Would I question or berate him? No.
I'd personally just end it.

I'm quite surprised at some responses tbh, but I guess that's why we see such dysfunctional families on JK. What's unacceptable to some people clearly doesntb bother others.

If his Ex's sister was a little bit interested, he wouldn't have been able to say no. No wonder his wife found someone else.

I'd have done the same, but much sooner than she did.