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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

End of Marriage, the final straw...

39 replies

Tetley08 · 14/09/2017 20:26

I found receipts in my husbands wallet from a strip club. Im furious, I've told him on numerous occasions I don't like him going to strip clubs and asked him not to. When I confronted him, he admitted it and admitted he'd paid for a private dance. He said he gone there with a work colleague after a work event.

There was a transaction for £126 at midnight at the strip club and then another transaction for £420 at 01:08 and another transaction for £560 at 01:40 however that one was declined. He came home at 3am. The first receipt is from the strip club as it has the name on the top, however the last 2 look like they are from a different place, they just have a generic 'worldpay' heading at the top. I asked him about these receipts and all he said was that they must have been a 'mistake' and he was really drunk so 'couldn't remember'....could he have paid for a room? What the hell costs that much? part of me wants to know what the hell those transactions were for?
We've had a lot of issues, most of which stem from his drinking but I think this really is the straw that has broken the camels back.

OP posts:

yetmorecrap · 14/09/2017 20:30

Hi class escorts maybe??

sanasa · 14/09/2017 20:31

I have no experience of this kind of thing but if a dance cost a hundred and something ... and then to go up even more ??
Do you have a shared bank? Can you call and get them to trace where the transaction took place? Surely if it was the strip club it would have the same headed receipt?
I'm really sorry you are going through such a crap time. It sounds like you deserve so much better

SandyY2K · 14/09/2017 20:31

£420.00 is a lot of money. You've told him before you are against it ...he continues. Unless you actually separate with a view to divorce....your word means nothing to him.

Original poster

Tetley08 · 14/09/2017 20:54

Thanks for your replies. No, these transactions were on his personal account so I can't log on and see any additional information that way. Yes I would have thought receipts would have looked the same, so that means he went on somewhere else after the strip club. But where/what costs £420 and then why 30 mins later was there another transaction which was declined for £560? They were in central London but even that seems too much for a room?

OP posts:

RestlessTraveller · 14/09/2017 21:01

Depends on the club, but my guess is bottles of champagne.

MatildaTheCat · 14/09/2017 21:02

From what I've read it's possible the £420 could be a bar bill. These places are totally immoral in getting people in, getting them to buy hugely expensive drinks and entrance fees plus dances and then getting very threatening if the punter doesn't want to pay.

It's actually unlikely he was off shagging a dancer. Much more likely he was hideously drunk and got very ripped off.

I'd be raging but not a LTB for this one. It would need to never happen again.

OhOfCourse · 14/09/2017 21:04

Hotel room.

Work colleague used to go to strip club (he had wife and kids) and be brazen about taking the strippers to a hotel room.

Original poster

Tetley08 · 14/09/2017 21:07

he's admitted there were only 2 of them though...and why only 30 mins later another transaction for £560?
my head hurts...I'll probably never know, and I don't really need to to know that I just don't want to do this anymore.

he had an affair 2 years ago and I spent so many nights analysing phone records and bank statements. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep and I'd be ruthlessly checking emails and trying to guess passwords...it drove me mad truth be told. And yet here I am again...

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/09/2017 21:09

Why are you still there ?

He's been fucking prostitutes

Is that ok with you ?

AnyFucker · 14/09/2017 21:10

Matilda...seriously ?

NSEA · 14/09/2017 21:12

Deal breaker for me.

I wouldn't like the private dance stuff anyway. But spending a ridiculous sum of money and claiming not to remember why just shows a level of irresponsibility I wouldn't want in a marriage.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2017 21:14

Matilda...have you not noticed that this is not a first offence ?

This bloke is a repeat offender. A punter. A john. And you are encouraging op to stay ? Take your low expectations and manpleasing elsewhere...they are damaging shit.

RestlessTraveller · 14/09/2017 21:21

The timing of the transactions lead me to that they're bar bills rather than payments for services,

RestlessTraveller · 14/09/2017 21:23

Do you know which club it was?

Viviennemary · 14/09/2017 21:23

This is behaviour way beyond anything a wife should have to accept from a husband. IMHO. Absolutely walk away from this man. No excuses or explanations will do.

Shoxfordian · 14/09/2017 21:23

Don't trust him

Original poster

Tetley08 · 14/09/2017 21:25

No its not ok with me. Its really not. I've stayed because we have a son together. I work but don't really earn enough to pay the bills/mortgage on my own. Or maybe I could if he pays maintenance but I can't really rely on that, as he'll be pretty difficult regarding that I'm certain. If/when we separate it will all have to be driven by me and quite frankly I'm exhausted. My friends/family will be shocked as they all think he's really nice as I haven't told them all the stuff he's done.

OP posts:

cherryontopp · 14/09/2017 21:28

OP giving his past history and this behaviour, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could through him.

He's clearly not taking what you say seriously and has no respect for you.

Original poster

Tetley08 · 14/09/2017 21:28

RestlessTraveller - yes I know the name of the club. I googled it. Apparently its quite renowned for its private dances - I've read online that you're allowed to touch and they reciprocate.

OP posts:

JustMumNowNotMe · 14/09/2017 21:32

Matilda, WTF?! Did you even read the opening post?!

f83mx · 14/09/2017 21:32

He might have tried to pay for escort services online/on phone perhaps or if the club is on the dodgier side then they could offer full service ..... or he's been fleeced at the bar whilst being in the strip club. All grim though, sorry OP. Have you asked him to leave?

RestlessTraveller · 14/09/2017 21:33

Really, urgh that awful. I don't know how much private dances are in clubs like that. Sorry I can't be of more help.

HooraySunshine · 14/09/2017 21:37

That would be a deal breaker for me as well. The receipts could be for anything, but the fact he 'doesn't remember' should shoot up some huge red flags.
It's like the old saying 'Once a cheater, always a cheater'. He will never change and the fact he's having affairs, going to strip clubs and God only knows what else, he could give you an STD, be involved in other 'criminal activities', putting you at risk financially, etc. Who knows! I wouldn't trust him. And to be honest, you deserve better. No more sleepless nights. Leave him.
I think if a spouse has an affair you have to file for divorce within 6 months (??) or so in order to divorce on those grounds. Otherwise, it won't be considered. (I know there is a time limit, but I can't remember what it is.) So go to a solicitor tomorrow (you can get a free consult) and talk about your options. If you have children, the judge isn't going to look too kindly on a spouse who's out all night drinking, blowing large sums of money but 'not remembering' where or on what, and sleeping around with who knows what. It's not responsible and lacking in morals.
Just think, these are only the things you know about, what else do you NOT know about?? I'm sure he's hiding more. That's just scary! Also, the fact he knows you don't like it and he does it anyways? He doesn't respect you or your marriage. You deserve better. Leave him.

Winebottle · 14/09/2017 21:57

I wouldn't buy that he can't remember.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2017 23:53

Then tell your friends and family exactly what he's been up to

What are you keeping his dirty secrets for ? So you can stay with him ? Don't be a fool.

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