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Original poster

Wanting a child when your partner sends you mixed messages

31 replies

25kt11 · 14/09/2017 16:21

Hi all,

New to this board and warning - it's a long post!

I have 2 kids from previous marriage. Have been with my partner over 3 years. He's a great step-dad to the kids and at the beginning of our relationship he always said how he wanted a child of his own. I've always been keen on having another child so I was happy with this.

We've had a couple of 'blips' along the way where we've broken up for 8 weeks and 12 weeks. The last time we got back together was in Feb this year. The break ups had been down to me wanting more. We live in two separate houses, and I wanted us to move in and he was reluctant. I also made reference to the fact I wanted another baby and he was adamant he didn't want a child, which was a change to his previous stance.

So when we finally sorted things out in Feb after 3 months apart, he told me he had been scared, that he did want all those things, couldn't see himself marrying anyone but me and wanting a child with me.

So 7 months down the line, we are still not properly living together. He stays at mine but his house is empty and we are still paying the bills for this. He's not showing any sign of sorting it soon, and when I bring it up he just shuts down. We are supposed to be selling his, then selling mine so we can move somewhere bigger.

As well as this, my overwhelming urge to have another baby is sky high. I'm 33, so maybe subconsciously I'm thinking it's now or never as I have PCOS so my first two weren't easy to conceive. My best friend also had a child today, and my partner's brother and wife had a child earlier this year so I'm feeling massively broody.

He sends me such mixed messages about children. Puts OBEM on to watch, sends me cute clips on twitter about newborns, talks about what we would call our children. Yet when I bring up the discussion about actually trying to conceive, he shuts down and says we aren't in the right place for that, house situation isn't suitable (because he's dragging his feet!).

I don't want to lose him, but this is starting to play havoc with my emotionally and mentally. I want another child, his child. I don't want to start again in a new relationship. But I don't want to keep pushing him to do the things that should be the natural progression in a relationship, like living together or getting married. If I push him, he's walked away twice, whats to stop him doing it a 3rd? I really thought it would be different this time.

What do I do?

OP posts:
opheliacat · 14/09/2017 16:22

Honestly, I would focus on the two children I had and leave him to watch OBEM in his empty house.

Easy for me to say I know but you sound like you care more about the child than him.

SweetLuck · 14/09/2017 16:25

If you've split up twice already then it sounds like it isnt a lifelong relationship. So I can understand his reluctance. Actions speak louder than words.

Original poster
25kt11 · 14/09/2017 16:29

Wasn't meant to sound like that at all. It's not just any child I want, it's his child. We have a great relationship, and we both said it was something that we wanted from the start so it feels like he's backtracking. I've always seen myself having a bigger family. After being an only child, I never wanted that as it was lonely.

OP posts:
splendidisolation · 14/09/2017 16:29

The two times you broke up, who was it who came to the conclusion you meeded to break up? He sounds like a massive commitment phobe

splendidisolation · 14/09/2017 16:31

I mean if you already have 2 children maybe you just need to make the decision to keep him but relinquish the desire to have a third? That is if you really love him and he's really worth keeping.

I guess what im saying is it would be different if you had no kids at all.

opheliacat · 14/09/2017 16:32

Doesn't sound worth keeping to me ...

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/09/2017 16:33

They aren't mixed messages. He doesn't want a child. I'm not sure he even sees you as a LT relationship.

Original poster
25kt11 · 14/09/2017 16:33

splendidisolation - it was him both times. The first time, I tried to get him to sort out relationship out, but he said he needed space. He then tried to befriend me and I said I couldn't be his friend as it was too hard, then he apologised for everything. Second time around, i left him too it. Again he tried to befriend me, and we started talking again until one day he sent me a massive email telling me how sorry he was etc, and he wanted the things we had discussed.

OP posts:
splendidisolation · 14/09/2017 16:36

Urgh. I think you may need to let him go for good OP. It sounds like he doesnt want to grow up any time soon :-/

IskraTG · 14/09/2017 16:44

He doesn't want children or marriage, but he does want you (either because he loves you or because you make his life comfortable with laundry, cooking, money etc.) He seems fond of telling you whatever it is you want to hear. He will never give you what you want, but will string you along with twitter videos until you're too old for the discussion any more, and you wasted your best years on him.

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 14/09/2017 16:52

Ignore the words and look at the actions.

When he's faced with the prospect of taking action towards moving in or having a baby, he stalls, avoids, and breaks up with you.

That's all you need to know. He doesn't want it. He doesn't mind staying as you are and feeding you a line of cheap talk to keep you sweet but he doesn't want anything more. A relationship in which you've broken up twice for weeks isn't really one that's stable enough for a baby anyway.

Apileofballyhoo · 14/09/2017 17:59

He sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

ConorMcGregorsChin · 14/09/2017 18:11

Don't do it.
You already answered your own question in the title of your thread.
Focus on yourself and your children / life.
And know your own self worth.
Have very clear, and very high boundaries.

GeorgeTheHamster · 14/09/2017 21:35

You need to look at what he does, not what he says. He doesn't want a child. He'll probably leave if you have one. It's hard, but focus on the ones you have. They're your priorities.

Isetan · 15/09/2017 01:05

He wants the status quo and every time you get back together he makes overtures/ promises/ lies in order to get back to the status quo.

You don't have the same relationship goals (despite what he promises after a break up) and it's time you accepted this.

beesandknees · 15/09/2017 02:39

This is awful to say but it's really really obvious that you're wasting your time here op. He doesn't want a baby but he's learned that if he strings you along, and shuts down when you want to discuss, then he can keep.coasting along

Ellisandra · 15/09/2017 07:02

How have your kids coped with their "great step dad" walking out for 2 months and 3 months at a time? Hmm

Get rid of him. You've forced him to move in with you or lose you. If he'd genuinely decided he wanted what you want, his house would be on the market now. This isn't what he wants. Living (sort of) together can be unraveled when he walks away again (and unsettles your children) - but you can't unravel having had a baby.

You said you don't want to have to meet someone new. Sorry, but that's not reason to push this man into a baby that he clearly doesn't want.

Oliversmumsarmy · 15/09/2017 07:12

He is playing with you. Giving you a bit of chat that you want to hear but not following through.

Sounds very much like the poster a few months ago who's bf went engagement ring shopping every weekend but didnt actually buys ring even when they found one she liked.

Joysmum · 15/09/2017 07:16

You've only been together 3 years but have split up twice in that time and aren't yet even in a properly blended household so he really isn't a proper step dad and it's clear your relationship is years off being stable and committed enough to bring kids into it.

I appreciate you have raging bloodiness but you need to think with your head. A baby would destroy anything you do have and disrupt the children you already have. It'd be unfair in them and any future child.

DownTownAbbey · 15/09/2017 07:33

Was just about to bring up engagement ring guy because like oliversmummy this reminded me so much of that thread.

If he did father a child with you I'd be constantly expecting him to pop out for a pint of milk and never come back. He's smooth talking you, pacifying you, stringing you along. If he's only saying stuff he thinks you want to hear I'd be worried I didn't actually know him at all.

MiniTheMinx · 15/09/2017 07:39

In my experience and from reading and talking to men and women, men generally prefer to set the pace and trajectory of relationships. Most probably have nerves to some extent about commitment and fear loosing autonomy. If given ultimatums or pushed they panic. Relationships don't usually follow a linear course if you start to tinker. And I haven't known a good outcome where women try to direct a relationship overtly and openly.

I have never been someone who has "the talk" or opens up. Men recoil from a woman who they aren't having to actively pursue. And this continues, throughout the entire relationship. Ultimatums only work when you show the confidence of your convictions. Be prepared to walk away, no chatter, no nagging, no pleading....just walk! Hold your head up high and keep your pride.

I don't think you will get what you want here. Once you coerce someone they loose trust and respect, without that they are not likely to value you enough. People become weary and reluctant.

I'd walk from this. He isn't likely now to willingly give up his independence and commit, if he feels you are actively coercive or pleading.

splendidisolation · 15/09/2017 08:20

Great post by Mini

Original poster
25kt11 · 25/09/2017 21:55

Thank you all for your replies. Friday we had a big chat about it all. Long and short of it is, he doesn't want a baby. He loves me and my children but likes the life we have now and doesn't want that to change. I appreciate his honesty but feel misled the past 8 months. We've talked about baby names etc and apparently that was just conversation and didn't mean anything. Lots of words, but no actions.

I need to work out how I feel. My kids are my priority, but the future I thought we were going to have is now looking different. It feels like I'm grieving for something I never had. I don't want a baby with anyone but him so I have to learn to deal with this, and hope that my relationship is as strong as I thought it was and strong enough to survive.

OP posts:
haveacupoftea · 26/09/2017 13:22

He's keeping you dangling. LTB

rK24 · 26/09/2017 13:26

I had this in reverse , my ex really wanted kids and i didn't. Trust me, if a man doesn't want kids, he doesn't want kids.