Wanting a child when your partner sends you mixed messages

[25kt11]

Hi all,

New to this board and warning - it's a long post!

I have 2 kids from previous marriage. Have been with my partner over 3 years. He's a great step-dad to the kids and at the beginning of our relationship he always said how he wanted a child of his own. I've always been keen on having another child so I was happy with this.

We've had a couple of 'blips' along the way where we've broken up for 8 weeks and 12 weeks. The last time we got back together was in Feb this year. The break ups had been down to me wanting more. We live in two separate houses, and I wanted us to move in and he was reluctant. I also made reference to the fact I wanted another baby and he was adamant he didn't want a child, which was a change to his previous stance.

So when we finally sorted things out in Feb after 3 months apart, he told me he had been scared, that he did want all those things, couldn't see himself marrying anyone but me and wanting a child with me.

So 7 months down the line, we are still not properly living together. He stays at mine but his house is empty and we are still paying the bills for this. He's not showing any sign of sorting it soon, and when I bring it up he just shuts down. We are supposed to be selling his, then selling mine so we can move somewhere bigger.

As well as this, my overwhelming urge to have another baby is sky high. I'm 33, so maybe subconsciously I'm thinking it's now or never as I have PCOS so my first two weren't easy to conceive. My best friend also had a child today, and my partner's brother and wife had a child earlier this year so I'm feeling massively broody.

He sends me such mixed messages about children. Puts OBEM on to watch, sends me cute clips on twitter about newborns, talks about what we would call our children. Yet when I bring up the discussion about actually trying to conceive, he shuts down and says we aren't in the right place for that, house situation isn't suitable (because he's dragging his feet!).

I don't want to lose him, but this is starting to play havoc with my emotionally and mentally. I want another child, his child. I don't want to start again in a new relationship. But I don't want to keep pushing him to do the things that should be the natural progression in a relationship, like living together or getting married. If I push him, he's walked away twice, whats to stop him doing it a 3rd? I really thought it would be different this time.

What do I do?

He has totally changed the goalposts in this relationship.He has been saying what you want to hear not what he wants. How long was he going to keep you dangling?
This does not come across as a longterm relationship. He has been very cruel in his deceit. He has no made no moves to move in fully or sell his house. He probably doesn't want to sell and this is his fallback option. He is not seeing you as a lifelong partner- more of a you will do for now partner.
I would have serious concerns continuing in a relationship with him.

He's been spectacularly cruel - I think you need to question why you want to stay with him?

Why would you want to be with someone who has disregarded your needs, failed to communicate on important issues & strung you along?

Surely at one point you are going to start feeling very resentful about this?

moreprosecconow I already am feeling a bit resentful. He has definitely led me on this year. A week ago he was discussing how we would announce a pregnancy to the people we work with (same office). So for him to then say on Friday it's definitely not what he wants, That he was categoric about it 12 months ago, it's a blow. Especially when we got back together he told me he was ashamed of how he behaved, he wanted the things we talk about, children houses marriage etc.

My head is a mess.

I'm not surprised you're feeling that way - he's a headfuck.

I think you need to step back a bit & think about what's important to you, to define your needs.

Led you on? He's flat out LIED to you, love. It wasn't just "maybe", he was all for it.

He's cruel and he's selfish and he's weak.

Let me guess, marriage is off the cards too? Whilst he lives in your house and gets all the benefits of a wife, but keeps his house and his savings all to himself for later on, in case he gets bored.

Don't be a mug.

Don't let your PCOS trick you into anything you shouldn't do because you think you won't have another chance.

Doctors and researchers are now finding that PCOS women have better fertility later in life than non-PCOS women! Many women with PCOS who have a very troublesome time conceiving in their younger years are startled when, after having turned 40 and thrown out any contraception for good, they suddenly find they conceive entirely by accident.

Of course, there are other issues with later babies, higher chances for problems and all that, but that can be diagnosed earlier than ever. So your PCOS means you are likely to have MORE time to make the decision about whether to have a 3rd (or 4th, or...) child, not less!