DF is dying, his first family know nothing

[27Feb]

I'm going to try and keep this quick.

I am the product of my DF's second marriage. I believe his first marriage ended because he met my DM. They married when I was tiny. I know there were children from the first marriage but the divorce was very acrimonious and ended with DF's ex moving country and contact being lost.

I've never had any contact with any of my half-siblings. I think I could get contact details through extended family.

DF is now very unwell and may die soon.

Currently DF has said he sees no point in making contact now as too much time has passed but I keep wondering if I ought to get in touch. I don't know what I'd want if I were them, if maybe we'll all regret it if they don't have the chance to say goodbye. Or if it's none of my business/if they won't want to hear from me anyway.

If you could get in contact via extended family in assuming someone in the family still sees his other children. Maybe they could broach the subject with them and pass on your contact details.
In our family dynamic I kind of know who I would and wouldn't broach various topics with if you get what I mean.

There is group on Facebook Aussie and UK Angels.
They reunited long lost families often quite quick .

I'm sorry to hear he's so unwell it's a tremendously difficult time for you all.

I think if you are able to (and you sounds like you are), you need to establish if he wants you to contact them. That way the message they receive can come from him, you can say that he has expressed a wish for them to know before he dies.

If he doesn't really want you to, I think you should do it soon after and if you can, tell them what he may have said if it's appropriate. In doing so you have to prepare yourself for opening up some potentially deep wounds. You sound a really kind person, a lot has been written about people wanting to get their affairs in order (no pun intended) when they die and giving him the chance to do this is a gift, although perhaps not one he may want to take. Likewise for his first family this could mean a lot to them but you don't want the hurt right now if they choose not to do anything with your news.

Thoughts with you over this difficult time

If contact can be made through extended family I would try, just to give his older children the opportunity to make contact. However, be prepared for the ugliness of your mother and father's past behaviour getting in the way of having a future relationship with your step siblings.

If you can, get in touch. Give them the opportunity to say good bye if they want to. They may not want to, and that is only reasonable - but if you have the means to give them the chance, then please take it.

I'd tell them if you can. They probably won't care or want to see him but they should be given the opportunity to if they can be.

In all fairness if they wanted to get in touch they would have. They are effectively strangers and even if they do get in touch may only do it for money/inheritance etc. Don't go against your father's wishes now.

It's so difficult to know when you've never been that position but I think from the point of view of the other family, it will put them in an awful position, coming out of the blue and then having to decide whether they would like t contact him - it might be better for them to know afterwards.

For you and your father too, if their reaction is not good or they are just disinterested, it could be very upsetting. So as he has already said no, in this instance I think I would let it go and focus on your time with him m while you can

I would get in touch by letter explain you don't know what went on in the past and you understand if they don't want to know .But want to make them aware of the situation .

Please do get in touch. Without giving too many details and outing myself I was in a very similar situation only I was part of the first family. We found out too late but did get to the funeral and I've always regretted that I didn't get to see my dad before he died.

Personally, I would do whatever your dad wants.

So he left his first family for ow and didn't pursue contact when they moved abroad, even now has no interest in potentially reconciling before he dies or giving them the opportunity for some sort of closure?

I can understand him fearing that they won't care, or that his ex may even take some pleasure in the news, but surely he can put aside his own feelings at this point and give his children a final opportunity to see him if they want to?

I think you sound lovely, the only person giving his first family a second thought but I think that you should only contact them if he agrees. He may fear you hearing unpalatable truths about him.

I agree with nuttynoo, they've had years to get in contact if they had wanted and get to know him - and vice versa. Its not really your place to force it, especially if your dad has said no. Its kind of you to think how they would feel, but it really isn't your problem. Yes they may have regrets if they find out - but again neither party was willing to put the effort in while alive and well. Also how would your mum feel about it, presuming she is still with you.

Well, if they don't want a relationship with me, that is fine. Ultimately, I've lasted my whole life without one. I just keep thinking how devastated I would be if I never got to say goodbye. And may be there is still anger etc, in which case of course I'd rather they stay away - I don't feel now is the time for any 'unpalatable truths' - he's dying, and he's very frail. But maybe they would want to say 'goodbye'.

But I don't want old wounds reopened now, esp if nothing good comes of it. If his kids just wanted to show up to yell at him, or DM, or get angry about inheritance I don't know if that would be fair on anyone.

I will try and find out through extended family what their attitude is. It's all a bit complicated as DF came from another country and left it all behind when he moved to my home country before meeting DM. So we've never had much contact with his family. But I can try.

I am second family in a similar situation. It is easy these days to find long lost families and if the first family had wanted to get in touch they would have done so already

Whenever you see tv shows of people trying to find long lost relatives, or adopted children trying to find their birth parents, it's always a real blow to them to find out that the person they're searching for has died.

They might, of course, not give a damn - but I'd still give them that opportunity, even if they may still choose not to take it.

How can adults say goodbye to a "father" they never knew?

I come from a very complicated family, my advice would be to do nothing even though I can see you mean well.

I think I wouldn't.

.

Thank you all. I sent a message to my aunt. Heard nothing back yet. Got a bit of a kicking on a other thread about affairs and children of affairs which seemed to mostly say my half sibs would just hate me and my family anyway with some fairly horrible stuff about what they'd be thinking of me so I think I will leave it. I can't cope with the thought of people turning up to say awful things about my parents or sister right now, and I can't risk doing it to them.

But lots of interesting advice.

How can adults say goodbye to a "father" they never knew?

They did know him. He was their dad first before he was the OPs dad. I knew my dad for several years before he went off and had another family. He has always been my dad in my memory and I think I and the OPs half siblings deserve to know what is happening.

I think you ought to let them know. You have no idea why they haven't been in contact, what lies they may have been fed. They may find out and desperately wish they had had the opportunity to get answers, make peace.

I always remember an episode of 'who do you think you are' with the actress from Sex and the City. She discovered that her Grandfather had not only walked out on his first family aka her mother and aunts, but he also had another family. What got me was that he had died, and all opportunity to get answers had gone with him, so they were left with a lot of why's and only one side of the story, which was a pretty negative one.

I would just send a letter. I think it would be worse if either they or a grandchild starts searching, discovers that he's dead, and then questions why no one in the family tried to inform them. I think it's the right thing to do.

I agree to give them the chance. I think they come first tbh, before you and before your dad.

I wouldn't. I did, and it ruined his last bit of time left. It's something I will never forgive myself for. Quite simply, it's up to him, not you. I made the mistake of not respecting his wishes, and thinking I knew better. Unsurprisingly, I was wrong. Respect him, and listen. He knows them better than you do.

Why on earth would they want to say goodbye to someone they have had no contact with? Seriously? I can see why you would - he reared you and stuck around. but the other children? He is nothing to them, surely. They could have found him before now if they wanted answers (and there are never any satisfactory reasons - just weak people - life isn't a novel). The most I would suggest is sending a message "just to inform you that X is very ill and will probably die soon - felt it was appropriate that you know". No suggestions that they say goodbye or anything like that.

My father had no contact with me and no wish to have contact with me in my life. His loss. If his other children had contacted me when he was dying to see if I wanted to "say goodbye" I'd have thought they were deranged.

The most likely thing is they will ignore you. The next is that they will turn up on his death bed and berate him for his actions. He probably deserves it but I wouldn't want that to happen to someone who is dying.

I agree to give them the chance. I think they come first tbh, before you and before your dad.

Why do they come before the OP? She did nothing wrong.