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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DF is dying, his first family know nothing

46 replies

27Feb · 13/09/2017 23:52

I'm going to try and keep this quick.

I am the product of my DF's second marriage. I believe his first marriage ended because he met my DM. They married when I was tiny. I know there were children from the first marriage but the divorce was very acrimonious and ended with DF's ex moving country and contact being lost.

I've never had any contact with any of my half-siblings. I think I could get contact details through extended family.

DF is now very unwell and may die soon.

Currently DF has said he sees no point in making contact now as too much time has passed but I keep wondering if I ought to get in touch. I don't know what I'd want if I were them, if maybe we'll all regret it if they don't have the chance to say goodbye. Or if it's none of my business/if they won't want to hear from me anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

27Feb · 15/09/2017 14:45

Thank you all. Have talked to my dad more, and understand a bit better. Just to explain, they were teens when he left - I have two half brothers (I never knew this). He sent financial support and letters until they were both 18 but both didn't reply/didn't want contact after the divorce. Apparently the older one visited once after he turned 18 and there was a fight and he said some awful things to mum/about me so dad told him to get out and come back if he wanted to accept the whole family and after that he figured the ball was in their court.

But 32 years later, no contact. So maybe best left.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/09/2017 14:55

You've done what you could, best under the circs to just let it lie now.
If they want to get in touch, they could - but it seems from what you've said that they have no wish to, so never mind. Don't chase it any more.

for you - it must be a very tough time for you.

ContrastingViews · 15/09/2017 14:59

Sorry op. Kids of second families always get a kicking on MN. Not sure why TBH. Hardly their fault is it!!

Floralnomad · 15/09/2017 15:02

I would do nothing , these people have had their entire adult lives to get in touch and they didn't , what if they turn up now just to hurl abuse at your dad and make life difficult for your mum .

theredjellybean · 15/09/2017 15:05

i think you have done the best you can
Time has passed so your half brothers might have softened, might welcome contact ...and if they don't well you can never be accused of not letting them know .

sparks0 · 15/09/2017 16:29

By the sounds of it, they had a relationship with your dad up until their teens?

If you let them know, then at least if they want to, they have the opportunity to say bye and get closure for themselves. They might even be grateful for the last chance to make up and see your / their dad. Also, then you can't be blamed for not letting them know. Personally, I would let them know.

Angelf1sh · 15/09/2017 19:17

I'd still tell them. Teenagers are notoriously awful people, they might well appreciate the final chance to say goodbye now that they've grown up.

ToothTrauma · 15/09/2017 19:26

I'm the child of a first family who has had no contact (by choice) since I turned 21.

My much younger 'half-sister' has tried to get in touch once or twice but I went NC for a reason and felt answering her would give her father a way to contact me, which I absolutely did not want.

I don't care to know if he is ill or dying BUT I would appreciate her wanting to let me know.

Just one thought: you can't tell them with conditions i.e. You can only come and see him if you promise to be nice.

What he did to them is NOT your fault, but in the kindest possible way, it isn't any of your business to try and manage their feelings or actions. So if you do contact them, bear in mind that they don't feel about him like you do but those feelings are totally valid and you can't ask them to pretend otherwise.

Original poster

27Feb · 15/09/2017 20:09

ToothTrauma - I get that. I think my issue is that while they may have valid reasons to be angry with him, and owe him no kindness at all at the end, I kind of do owe him that. He has been an incredible dad to me and I feel like I do owe him a duty of care, if you see what I mean, and that means not setting him up to be hurt at the end.

Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know.

OP posts:

ToothTrauma · 15/09/2017 20:16

I do understand how you feel. I'm just saying asking them to come and be nice is not really feasible.

Also it may stand in the way of anything they really do need to say to each other. I don't mean screaming and awfulness, obviously.

Basically he has been a great dad to you, and I'm really glad about that. He's been a shit dad to them and I'm sorry about that. I just want you to be prepared that these things can't really be managed or planned.

For what it's worth I think you have done the right thing

Cupoteap · 15/09/2017 20:23

Similar situation op, my half sibling used his precious moments to half a go at our parent.

RainyApril · 16/09/2017 04:27

I can't get my head around the fact that he would turn his back on his own children just because they said something awful to him when they were teenagers, and presumably still hurting from the fact that he hurt their mum. Surely as an adult he could see that meeting his new, preferred - in their eyes - family would engender strong feelings in them.

If they were on here, I think they'd be saying that their dad left, started a new family and lost interest in them. It's awful to think that in all this time he's never sent a letter or a birthday card or wondered how their lives have turned out.

My xh left us for ow and we have four teens. At times they have raged at him about his betrayal of me, said awful things about ow and been incredibly jealous that he now lives with ow's dc and does all of the day to day fatherly things with them that mine miss out on.

Thank goodness he has been unfailingly understanding, turning up to see them even when they have said they didn't want to see him, simply saying and demonstrating at all times that he still loves them. Several years have passed and only now is he being rewarded with a strong and genuine relationship with them all.

But, as you say, he's been a good dad to you so your loyalty is to him. I think you have to heed his wishes. Just so sad to think they might get in touch at some point and learn that he has passed and, even at the end, didn't want anything to do with them.

alreadytaken · 16/09/2017 05:50

I can see both sides of this. Your duty is to your father first but I'd encourage him to write a letter to his other children, to be sent after his death, that is designed to ease their pain. He should tell them that he still loved them but was too weak to handle their anger. They may not have known he sent financial support and letters, their mother may have kept that from them.

In terms of inheritance - if there is anything to leave I hope he has treated them fairly. If he hasnt done so could you live with yourself without passing something on to them? I know a lot of people are money grabbing, but the love of money is the root of much evil.

They wont want too hear he was a great father to you, makes it worse that he was a bad father to them.

Crispmonster1 · 16/09/2017 05:55

That's a really considerate thing of you to be contemplating at this time. I'm sure they would be glad that they were given the opportunity to have a choice. Also I think now this is in your head you may regret not doing it??? You sound very nice and thoughtful. Xx

MyOtherProfile · 16/09/2017 06:46

RainyApril your post is spot on. I've never understood why my dad was such a great dad to his second family but didn't continue to have time for me.

Please give his other children a chance. He was their dad first.

Hotpinkangel19 · 16/09/2017 09:36

OP, I could have written this, although sadly my DF passed away 4 weeks ago so I never had chance to do anything - 4 weeks from diagnosis to death ☹️
I often think that they are out there and don't know he's passed away. They probably won't care, but if they ever tried to make contact, I'd be happy to talk to them.

Original poster

27Feb · 16/09/2017 10:41

He couldn't just turn up and visit - they and their mother moved abroad. In the 1980s flights were expensive and he didn't have the money for a long time. But I think he regrets letting it go when he did. He doesn't think he did right either.

Inheritance - I don't know what will be left. I have to admit, I haven't thought about it and didn't really want to. I have one living sister (my other sister died earlier this year. It's been such a shit year) and I don't know if I can face starting that conversation with her. Maybe later.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/09/2017 13:49

Oh gosh, 27Feb, that's so hard. So sorry for the loss of your sister as well :(

opheliacat · 16/09/2017 13:56

I'm surprised people are so hostile to the idea of you contacting them. I would want to know!

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 16/09/2017 14:07

I think you should respect your father's wishes while he is alive. He is not a child and while you or we might not agree or understand what he did or what he feels, that is his prerogative.

I would however make an effort to let them know when he dies. If they would be welcome at the funeral or you want to build a relationship with them then that is something for you to decide.

dertyyuoih2 · 16/09/2017 14:08

Hmmm I would probably leave it, my DH biological father left for another women back in early 90s, my DH and his mum moved over to the UK leaving his dad behind with his new family. He gave up all rights to my DH and my DH was adopted by his then step dad.
We know that his bio dad has had more children and that DH probably has some brothers and sisters out there, but my DH isn't interested at all. There was a lot of DV at home and wasn't a great childhood. it's fair to say if his bio dad was dying I don't think he'd really care as to him he is nobody, he doesn't remember now what he looks like (DH was 10/11 years old) and wouldn't pick him out in a crowd. In the 10 years we've been together he's mentioned him a handful of times.
Personally I'd let it be, they've had so many years to get in touch, which they haven't, id enjoy your time with your DF.

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