If you lost a parent in your teens do you remember them now?

[Inanotherlifei]

I know it's stupid, but my mum died when I was a teenager and I hardly remember her. She feels like some vague concept that never really properly existed in any real sense. I don't know if this is because everything changed then, so I didn't have anything familiar to relate to.

I always felt like I bounced back from it quite well but I don't think I did.

ImNot, you sound a lot like me.

My dad moved in with another woman with record speed as well. They lived at her house at first then moved back when I was in year 13. I turned 18 in November that year and they threw me out just after Christmas!

Oh hastings, what happened ? Can you talk about it?

to Hastings and everyone else here who has lost loved ones.

Oh I'm fine In, don't want to hinack your thread!

Or even hijack

You're not!

Although it's not really mine to share, I'm sure my friend (who lost her mother at 18) wouldn't mind my posting her beautiful and poignant piece of writing about it: thefloodflowers.wordpress.com/2013/06/19/afterlife-of-the-author-re-reading-my-mothers-novel/

Inanotherlife I think we got a similar deal. I bit my lip and nearly cried once in therapy when asked if I had a good memory. I could only think of one trip to the paddling pool at the park aged about 6. The rest is all gone. There must have been some good times somewhere.

I didn't cry at her funeral, i remember having my radio on that morning and LoveShack by the B52s was playing very quietly on the local radio station and I got a backhander for being disrespectful. I was just trying to get through it. I wouldn't wish it on anymore. People admire my dad for raising a super successful daughter on his own. I raised myself thanks, no credit to him and his halo.

We're a special group

I was 18 when my dad died suddenly. I went to work as normal in the morning, and when I got home my mum was in the kitchen, in a state.
I remember that day like a film. It's very surreal. The year that followed I barely remember. I have patchy memories but they are sparse.
My memories from before then, I remember his principles, his values, his laugh, and I can picture his face, and him sitting in his chair watching the news.
I feel so robbed though, even now, 20 odd years on. But also fiercely independent. I've had to stand on my own two feet much more than my friends. My mum did her best but she was struggling too.
All the adult things I've done, he's not been there for, and there was so much he still wanted to do.
to everyone here.

13 when mum died. 26 when dad died. Me 52. I remember my dad more (in dreams mainly) but my mum is a bit of a blur now - I was a mummy's girl too. Perhaps we are all eminently forgettable in the end, just the natural passing of time.

No, it is as if she never existed. I only have memories post her death. 10 years of a mother's love and nothing...

The first couple of years, I'd be walking through town and think I'd see him. Then after a fleeting moment I'd remember.

I was 18 when Dad died. It is 25 years ago this week. I have very distinct almost film like memories of the day he died. I remember him pretty well, his booming voice and terrible dress sense, I sometimes have vivid dreams where he is still alive, we are just chatting or going for a walk, then when I wake for a few seconds it is like he is still around, then I remember. That is hard, but I relish those dreams for the fleeting glimpses they give me of an alternative reality with Dad in it.

I wish I could talk to him again, ask him questions, memories are very subjective I have 5 siblings they will all have their own impression of Dad so I can't be sure my memory of him is accurate.

I was 20 when my dad died,20 years ago and 23 when my mum died.

I can remember them but not their voices,I don't have many pictures of them and none of us together,my sister took them all and we don't speak. which is sad but stuff happened.
they were 60 and 61 when they died.

This post has made me cry 😥

I have never lost a parent but I'm currently 39 weeks pregnant and this post has inspired me to start writing to my baby. I've just got out a journal and have started writing to my unborn baby and telling them everything about mine and their dads lives.

To all previous posters, I'm sorry for your losses  xxx

I was 7 when my mother died and I have strong memories of her, of her illness and last few days, but also of holidays and her excitement watching the 1992 Olympics, of games she'd play with us and the great desserts she'd make.

It helps that I have siblings and after she died, we never stopped speaking about her. My dad loves her as much today as he did when she died almost 25 years ago. So she has always felt part of the family in some abstract way. And I thought about her constantly in the years immediately after she died. It was almost like I wanted to ensure I kept those memories.

I also had her teenage diaries, her letters and photos. So hel, please do those memory books for your children. I loved having stuff that gave me insight into my mother.

But I can't remember her voice. And I have lost that feeling of loss. I know it was a great loss and hughly affected my life, but the sadness is different now. I feel sadder for her than me, for how horrible it must have been to have be leaving her children and husband behind. And I am in awe of the grace and strength my parents showed at that time.

Another close family member died when I was 21 and to this day, I feel in the pit of my stomach that sense of loss. I am so sad they aren't in my life any longer. I think it's because that person had moved on from being an adult parent figure to a friend and someone who I just loved taking to.

My husband's dad died when he was 13 and he has few memories.

My mum died of cancer when I was 13 and my dad of a heart attack when I was 19. Like SeaEagleFeather and others I am almost 49 and I still feel the affect of her loss and constant absence, I have to accept that experience will always be with me and I do my best to care for myself and love my children to cope.

I do remember her, clearly if I sit and think of her, I have always held her in front of me as a role model and advisor. She was very understanding and patient and I know she wouldn't judge me for mistakes I have made. She was just a wonderful mum. My brother who was 11 when she died doesn't have the memories I do and he struggles with that. I was shocked and was very sad for him when he told me when we were in our late teens that he already could not remember her.

What has helped me a lot over the years is knowing that love is eternal and you never have to say "goodbye" and "have closure" over your greatest life forming love relationships.

I still miss her and wish she was here, and sometimes still dream that she ran off to another continent and remarried and is still alive (I think this may be a result of not being at her funeral or seeing her body).

So many of us who lost a parent at 16. It's the worst possible age, because at that time we are often self obsessed (well I was!) and all over the place. I couldn't tell friends that it had happened, it seemed totally unreal. My brothers have both had therapy, but I've just muddled on. Does anybody else find they have massive memory gaps about the few years after a parent dying?
And what about dreams? My Dad died when I was in my late twenties, and I dream about him often, but never my Mum.

I sometimes have dreams that my dad has come back. I wake up so happy. Then a few seconds later it sinks in it was only a dream. Its absolutely heart breaking all over again.

Me too 1DAD. I had a dream the other week that it was all a mistake and my mother had just been away for years. So sad when I woke up.

inanotherlife from your later posts there's an awful lot to unpick. You must be aware of this already, but those incidents you describe are not very good.

If your mother had a difficult relationship with you, then that's something that you could face and come to terms with as an adult. But her death interrupted that - froze everything in time, perhaps. But the complex feelings won't have gone away.

In truth, some people are better off facing the difficult stuff. It doesn't go away and for some people it's hard to face this stuff but they come out with a richer, happier life at the end.

No matter what the conventional wisdom is, though, for some people it's better to keep the door shut. Too much pain and it can be unbearable.

It's ok to realise your mum wasn't perfect though. She died; but it doesn't mean she was anything other than a human being before she died. Not a perfect one. It's ok to acknowledge the good -and- the bad.

I said yesterday I couldn't write my story as I would be too upset, but in the meantime everyone has said everything I ever could, my mum died when I was 13, the loss got worse as I got older. Until I read Motherless Mothers (she also wrote Motherless Daughters) by Hope Edelman, I thought my grief was unnatural and something to be ashamed of - if one thing comes out of this thread its that we are all in pretty much the same boat. I still can't talk about the memory thing, but I can contribute that when I suffered post traumatic stress related to something else, the therapist insisted I go through some of this stuff about my mum at the same time - initially I was outraged, how could this be connected - but I am glad I did now.

Excellent thread OP. My heartfelt sympathies to everyone.

Bamboo I have massive memory gaps. The whole of 1996 is just absent from my mind. I know I started university, and remember moving into my halls of residence, but that's about it.

There are a couple of undignified memories of sitting in shop doorways, drunk, and crying on my best friend, when I lost it on nights out, but honestly, the rest is a black hole.