If you lost a parent in your teens do you remember them now?

[Inanotherlifei]

I know it's stupid, but my mum died when I was a teenager and I hardly remember her. She feels like some vague concept that never really properly existed in any real sense. I don't know if this is because everything changed then, so I didn't have anything familiar to relate to.

I always felt like I bounced back from it quite well but I don't think I did.

Thank you for this thread. I have a terminal illness and at the onset of finding out 6 years ago I started doing memory books for the kids. I included some about their grandparents and my history as a child. As things were stable for a long while I put the project aside. Having treatment again now and had wondered if worth continuing these books as assumed now they were teens they would have memories, now I know I should get going on them again.

nearly 50, lost my mum at 12 and never been able to get over it, though you do learn to live around and with the giant, deep hole.

I do have memories yes, and a strong sense of missing her - the flavour of her you might say. But I never knew her from an adult perspective and my memories of her might have a lot of mistakes by now.

I'm an only child too, and I don't know my father, so there's never been anyone to talk about that relationship with. An unshared childhood ends very abruptly

Yes. I wish there was someone with shared memories, growing up together means that at least there is -someone- who shares your childhood. Even if you don't get on, there is someone alive in the world who knows what it was like. Without that, you're very alone.

There is a brilliant book called Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman amazon link

Reading it, so many things clicked into place. Gained a far greater understanding of how her loss has shaped me and it made me feel less alone, because there's so much in the book that you can recognise. It helped me understand so much.

I lost my father at 9, and I didn't get to see much of him before that. I have a handful (honestly, 3-5) of distinct memories, and I think I can mostly remember his face, but that's because I have photos of him. Every now and again, something will jog a vague memory up to the surface. But it's really not much. It's quite sad.

I was 12 when my dad passed away, it was an awful time however, I do remember the nice bits of it.

I remember the day he died that was fucking horrendous. However I also remember him teaching me to ride a bike, the look on his face when me aged 3 didn't want to get out the freezing cold pool in Spain.. I remember his cuddles, his huge laugh and lots of nice things.

I lost my mum at 10 and my life went to absolute shit after that. I still remember my mum, only a few odd specific memories but i remember bits about her and things she did, wore, liked. I think photographs help.

oh helhathnofury I am so sorry about your diagnosis.

please, please do those books. Writing stuff down will give them an insight into your mind that could be a treasure for them 30 years down the line. As teens, your understanding is that of a teen. You see the short term, you don't understand the depth of a mature adult's thoughts. When there is a bereavement, you never get the chance for your impressions to mature and to get to know your mum as an adult. What she -really- thought, -how- she thought, and her hopes and fears. You are frozen with an adolescent's memories. (If reading that is painful, I am sorry)

Wishing you and your children the best.

I lost my Dad at 16 too.. there are quite a few that posted having lost a parent at this age. I don't have many memories of him and whilst I do think of him occasionally he doesn't seem to figure much at all in my life. I also have a lot of friends who haven't lost a parent (I'm 41), I sometimes think of how awful it will be to lose your first parent when older and whilst I still have my Mum I feel slightly prepared because I've already lost a parent. @helhathnofury I'm so sorry to hear of your illness. Keep up the memory books xx

My dad died when I was 8. I remember some things very clearly but I think I generally have a good memory.

Sad that there are so many of us who lost parents so young

And love to you hellhathnofury

hell

My parents were definitely more interested in spending the remaining time with each other not me.

I lost my dad when I was 22 so a bit older than the question but it was 27 yrs ago this month - perhaps those few years make a big difference because I remember him with absolute clarity and can recall the day he died in minute detail , in fact I'm welling up just writing this . I think his death has come back to really hit me hard twice , firstly when we passed the anniversary that meant I'd lived more of my life without him than with him , and secondly this year when I hit the age he was when he died . Particularly as I've been very ill since May and diagnosed with all kinds of nasties that I never saw creeping up on me . 💐To everybody who has suffered a loss .

ah crap inanother

You should have been prepared and they should have nurtured you.

something is clearly unsettling you about it. It might be worth contacting CRUSE or a bereavement counsellor. If it isn't for you then you don't need to go back but it might be worth just trying it.

I lost my Dad when I was 13. I remember the day he died and a few other things about him. Can't remember his voice at all, just his face probably though more from photographs.

It's not for me, i feel mean as I end up slagging mg mum off then i feel bad !

My DDad died aged only 40, when I was 18 and my sister only 12.

I can honestly say that we both have strong, loving memories of him, and have a real sense of who he was/is.

We talk about him often, our families do so too, and my (now adult) DC know all about him, and many of our stories. We share a similar philosophy to both him, and my late DMum, and are still involved in similar activities. We also still have their friends/comrades in our lives too. We miss them both terribly, but they are still central to our lives . Not in any morbid way, but as an ongoing sense of the love they shared with so many, and we try to do too.

I am 52 by the way.

Another of this sad little tribe here - I lost my mother when I was 16. I'm reminded of her every time I catch sight of myself in the mirror - I'm grateful for the strong physical resemblance, at least. And I hear her in my feisty, opinionated, takes-no-shit DD - that's very definitely Mum.

I had a bit of a turning point when I outlived her (mid-40s) - up to then it had always been "poor me, her death was so awful" and it took overtaking her to actually stop and think "poor her, her death was so awful". Knowing she was dying, knowing she was leaving her kids - my father wasn't around at that stage - I can't imagine how that was for her. I know I inherited a lot of her resilience, and I'm grateful for that too. I absolutely get that sense of missing her, even if I'm no longer very clear about her.

hellhath - I'm so sorry you're in that awful place my mother was in. And yes to recording the memories, getting it all down. In 30 years' time they'll still need it.

Fair enough.

I do wholeheartedly recommend that book Motherless Daughters though.

I lost my mum as a teen too.
Hugs to everyone else who went through the same loss.

30 years on I still miss her terribly and now feel I have not come to terms with it.

I buried the feelings for so long but even now thinking about her brings me to tears.

I feel sad I never got to see her or know her through adult eyes. I only have a child's impression of her.

My memories are scarce and dominated by her illness and death.

I realise my previous post might seem syrupy.

Not meant to be, and not suggesting that either of my parents were perfect as either parents or in any other way by the way !

I do feel sorry for her. Its hard because our relationship was just awful by that point. She dragged me into a music competition once by my hair because I got stage fright and said I ruined a holiday we went on because I sat in the shade and lots of other quite petty things. She was also drinking heavily. It's hard because I just remember these things but she must have been really lovely other times but I don't remember.

My dad got rid of the house and threw all my stuff out when I was 18 so I don't remember anything much from school even. What i do remember feels like it happened to somebody else.

hellhathnofury so sorry you are ill and echoing what SeaEagle said. Please write about yourself and your life before and apart from being their mother. My mum died after a long illness and we had talked a lot, but the questions I asked at 16 aren't the questions I'd have asked at 26 or 36 or now.

Lost my mum at 16 in 1990. Was sent to school to do my GCSE maths the next day. My dad went to the pub (forever) and although not an alcoholic he found solace in adult company and indulged in heavy drinking for a few years.

They seemed more interested in their relationship than me. I remember snippets, like offering to cook dinner when she was really ill and getting told off for making her feel sick. She also asked me if I was a virgin on her death bed, I was 16 and definitely a virgin. Not exactly a memory I want to dredge up.

I was pretty much ignored and expected to run the house. I was doing the shopping while my friends were having teen crushes.

I can only remember the bad bits. She had cancer for 5 years. I was pretty much ignored during this time, except if I misbehaved and then if she was strong enough she slapped me about.

I've had counselling but nothing can sort it. Some holes are to big to fully fill. I am angry still because no one seemed to care about me. I was told to clear her wardrobe out the day after the funeral. All the bad seems to have erased any good. My dad still whinges about his pain and doesn't seem to think it may have effected me.

Oh yes, I'll be the same age next birthday as mum was when she died - I've definitely moved into thinking "poor her" not poor me.

My mum died a slow and traumatic death when I was just seventeen. I don't really remember much about her before her becoming ill tbh but I think I was so traumatised by the horrific way she died that my memory just wiped her from it. I do feel as though I grew up without a mother when by all accounts she was a loving and devoted mum to all of us.
I do think losing her has had far reaching effects on all of us tbh we were aged 26 to 11 when she died. I see my own children who apart from one are all older than I was when she died and they are so much more sure of themselves, happier and so much less stressed than I or my siblings have been.

Different circumstances but I lost my entire family as a very young teenager, and while I have vague memories, there's no one to confirm or clarify things. For example, I remember my brother fighting in the Falklands War, yet I can't remember how old he was. I remember visiting a favourite auntie in Edinburgh but I can't remember her name.

Of all the things I wish, I wish I had some kind of memories wrote down from my early childhood - when I walked, talked etc, so I've gone massively overboard in providing keepsakes for my children.

to all those who have lost