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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When he doesnt want to get married.

45 replies

Libs1980 · 13/09/2017 09:39

Hi all.
Just after a bit of advice of you lovely ladies.
A bit of a strange and long one im affraid but ill keep it has short as possible!
Ok was seeing my partner on and off for 2 years, he maintained he didnt want a full relationship..no i love yous or anything, anyway shit hit the fan and we didnt speak for 2 months when he decided he was in love with me and does want a relationship. However this has now been 6 months, we live close to each other, he comes around mine and spends time with my kids at home..however ive only met his daughter whos 20, but not his 15 year old son.
Anyway we fell out the other day as asked him about the future and moving in and stuff. He said he doesnt ever want to live together or get married as he has been on his own now for 8 years and likes his space. He also said he doesnt eant to play dad to my young kids!!
I appreciate that and wouldnt want to live with him till my kids are older but would like to know we coukd live together one day. Any advice? Im not to fussed about marriage but it does hurt a little when he went has far as booking the church with his ex and telling me he defo doesnt want it!!. I love him to bits.
X

OP posts:

mostmoisturised · 13/09/2017 09:42

Believe what he says. Yes, it may be hurting you, but he feels differently about your relationship and he is being honest - some men aren't.

teaortequila23 · 13/09/2017 09:44

I wouldn't be able to be with him personally because you both want different things.

Mari50 · 13/09/2017 09:44

This is going to sound really harsh but he doesn't love you to bits.
You deserve someone who will give you what you want and it's not this man.
Believe me, I've been there and all this relationship will do is make you feel shitty and wreck your self esteem and leaving will be even harder. Leave now.
You and your children deserve a lot better.

ShatnersWig · 13/09/2017 09:48

Presumably lovely men can also comment on your thread....?

You're not compatible. And to be fair he has been totally honest right from the word go. He didn't want a full relationship and you went along with it, on and off, for two years. It's on again now and you asked a question and again he was totally honest with you.

Clearly, you want more than he wants but rather than being adult and walking away, you keep hoping he will change his mind. He's doesn't want what you want. He likes things as they are now. He's entitled to feel that way. Just as you're entitled to want something else.

So just bin it off, move on with your life and find someone who wants the same as you do. It's not rocket science.

meowimacat · 13/09/2017 09:48

Are you happy to have him at arms length for the rest of your life? I don't think you are. I think you need to be really honest with yourself before you stay with someone for so long that it's too late to meet anyone else. He doesn't seem right for you, but it sounds like he does enough to make you want to keep him around.

You deserve better, you deserve someone who wants you and you can have that. Set your standards higher, and don't settle for anything less.

JohnVenn · 13/09/2017 09:50

I'd get out. If he wanted you he'd have made that clear all along instead of being indecisive.

Orangebird69 · 13/09/2017 09:51

I don't think he's done anything wrong... he's being honest. There's nothing wrong with you wanting more commitment but there's also nothing wrong with the fact that he doesn't. It's tough but I think you need to move on.

Ragwort · 13/09/2017 09:52

I love him to bits - - you sound like a teenager; he has made his feelings clear, he does not want a serious relationship, nothing wrong with that, but don't go along thinking he will change his mind one day and you will be one, big happy family.

And as for 'not speaking for two months and then deciding he wanted a relationship' - he was more than likely looking around for sex, didn't find anyone and then decided to come back to you.

Why put up with this, where is your self esteem?

Popchyk · 13/09/2017 09:52

His point of view is as valid as yours.

He sees your relationship as one where you see each other a few times per week and maintain separate homes, separate finances and separate family lives.

You want marriage, combining your current families, living together (and maybe more children?).

He wants what he currently has in his relationship with you. You want what you don't currently have in your relationship with him.

Neither of you are wrong to feel the way you do. But on the most fundamental thing that you have between you - what your relationship actually is - you are poles apart. Better to call it a day.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 13/09/2017 09:53

He hasn't done anything wrong - he is being honest about what he wants but you seem to be choosing not to listen or at least thinking you can change what he wants. That way lies more heartbreak and resentment for you - just walk away.

Aderyn17 · 13/09/2017 10:00

He has been honest with you and I think you have to respect that. I wouldn't count on things changing - they might but I think it's better to plan for what you know and as things stand there are limits to his commitment.
What you have to decide is whether that is enough for you and stay with him or leave on the basis of that.
Fwiw, I think there is a lot to be said for maintaining separate houses - your kids don't have to get used to another family, you get the best of each other and not the boring domestic stuff, you won't argue over money because you each have your own finances.

TheNaze73 · 13/09/2017 10:58

Listen to what he says. He's been open, honest & up front.

He can still love you without being married & without the day to day grind of living with you. I think more & more people will live like this in the future.

However, if it's not for you, end it

Original poster

Libs1980 · 13/09/2017 11:17

Thannks for the replies. Has i said we are happy and enjoy each others company.
Its more the issue he wanted marriage before...however this was 15 years ago!

He moved in with someone a few years later..she hadnt got no kids but they have been split for 8 years now.

He works hard and bought his house a lone 6 years ago and says he also likes just to have his own company x

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2017 11:50

Yes, sorry OP but agree with others than you want different things and he has been honest with you about this all along. Whether or not he was engaged to someone else or living with someone else in the past is irrelevant - he is obviously in a different place now.

jeaux90 · 13/09/2017 11:54

What thenaze said. Spot on.

I'm living in exactly that situation and I love it. I hate the social norms of always having to move in or get married I mean why? You seem to have a lovely thing going on.

The only real reason to marry nowadays is if you are having kids and plan to stay at home.

Hell would freeze over before I got married again. No way would I want to split my assets with my dp or live with him full time for that matter. I love him deeply but my assets are for my daughter (I'm a single mum)

Original poster

Libs1980 · 13/09/2017 12:03

Thank you so much i feel a bit happier reading that someone else is happy being in the same situation. I know it sounds daft but id just like to think he would ideally like that if you get me even if i didnt lol

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 13/09/2017 12:05

Libs all that matters is that you love each other and are both happy. Fuck social norms

Branleuse · 13/09/2017 12:07

It just sounds like a casual relationship to me. How on earth do you know that he would be a good person to marry anyway.
If youre getting on fine as you are, and not even living together, id just try and enjoy it for what it is for now.

Original poster

Libs1980 · 13/09/2017 12:22

Branleuse, i think anyone that goes into marriage believes they are the right person at the time, doesnt always mean anything though when the divorce rate is so high.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 13/09/2017 12:37

I dont really see the point of marriage myself anyway. Ive been married and it didnt stop him leaving me, and it was SUCH a massive faff to get divorced. My mums been married 3 times, theyve all been shits. Her longest happiest relationship has been the one now where they both dont want to get married. I am happy with my dp of 12 years and not sure we will ever bother to get married. Hes lovely and we are in love and have kids, but marriage is pretty far down our agenda. Why get legally bound to someone?

juneau · 13/09/2017 12:47

You have a choice OP, one which your DP has been very clear about from the outset:

Have a casual relationship with him, which means living apart and not being a part of each other's wider family or
Break up, because this doesn't suit you.

Only you can decide which one is best. But if you want a live-in relationship with marriage and someone to play dad to your DC then you need to end this relationship and see if you can find someone who will give you what you want, because this guy has made it clear from the outset that that is not what he wants.

Original poster

Libs1980 · 13/09/2017 12:54

Branleuse, i agree is a faff. Ive never been through it myseld but a few friends have.

I suppose as long as were happy in our current situations thats the main thing isnt it. X

OP posts:

TrailingWife · 13/09/2017 12:56

The fact that he wanted marriage 15 years ago doesn't have anything to do with what he wants now. To me, it sounds like that failed marriage hit him pretty hard, and he's decided he would rather be single than go through anything like again.

I have a good friend who is similar. She's been divorced for years, has relationships, but never wants to marry or live with anyone ever again.

People change. Really, really let go of what he did in his first marriage. He never, ever wants to repeat ANY of it.

TheNaze73 · 13/09/2017 13:11

Not living together doesn't make a relationship casual.

If people get married & choose to live separately does that make it casual?

I'd think there are a lot relationships which are stronger as LAT's rather than the norm, which society thrust upon us as the norm, hundreds of years ago.

Surely it's each to their own?

Original poster

Libs1980 · 13/09/2017 13:15

Trailingwife. The marriage never actually happened.church was booked etc but never went ahead.
I do understand him on a way, his kids are 20 and 15, mine are 8 and 6. He split with their mom ( one he was going to marry) when she was pregnant so hasnt been a fulltime dad in years ( altjough does keep in contact and see them) x

OP posts:

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