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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When he doesnt want to get married.

45 replies

Libs1980 · 13/09/2017 09:39

Hi all.
Just after a bit of advice of you lovely ladies.
A bit of a strange and long one im affraid but ill keep it has short as possible!
Ok was seeing my partner on and off for 2 years, he maintained he didnt want a full relationship..no i love yous or anything, anyway shit hit the fan and we didnt speak for 2 months when he decided he was in love with me and does want a relationship. However this has now been 6 months, we live close to each other, he comes around mine and spends time with my kids at home..however ive only met his daughter whos 20, but not his 15 year old son.
Anyway we fell out the other day as asked him about the future and moving in and stuff. He said he doesnt ever want to live together or get married as he has been on his own now for 8 years and likes his space. He also said he doesnt eant to play dad to my young kids!!
I appreciate that and wouldnt want to live with him till my kids are older but would like to know we coukd live together one day. Any advice? Im not to fussed about marriage but it does hurt a little when he went has far as booking the church with his ex and telling me he defo doesnt want it!!. I love him to bits.
X

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 13/09/2017 13:26

Gawd, I'm with him. I couldn't be arsed to move in with anyone if my marriage failed or something happened to my h (and I've been married before this, too). Or have anyone move in. Nope. I wouldn't want anyone with young kids, either, once mine are older - been there, done that. The past is the past.

Either accept this is how it is or move on.

Original poster

Libs1980 · 13/09/2017 13:50

As i said i do get it so i dont expect that of him. Just wanted to know really if anyoner thinks we can have a future this way. Some say yes some say no. I suppose atleast while were happy together its best to enjoy the time. Might go forward might not. X

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 13/09/2017 14:18

I have friends who are besotted with each other but live separately. They each have kids and they all get on brilliantly but I think a big reason is because they live separately.

They have dates and stay at each others, holiday on their own or with their kids, help each other out etc and after 5 years they are still like they were when they just met.

It sounds ideal to me!

Mari50 · 13/09/2017 14:22

He said he doesnt ever want to live together or get married as he has been on his own now for 8 years and likes his space. .....
I appreciate that and wouldnt want to live with him till my kids are older but would like to know we coukd live together one day.

You both want different things- you've written as much yourself.
If you are happy to let go of the hopes you have for the relationship then I'm sure you will be fine. He has been totally honest with you and if in 10 years you are disappointed because he still refuses to move in with you then you only have yourself to blame.

JohnVenn · 13/09/2017 14:38

Unless what he wants matches your ideal future please reconsider going forward with your relationship.

Ellapaella · 13/09/2017 14:45

It's not that he doesn't want to get married that's the problem really - I can understand why anyone who has been divorced would be reluctant to actually get married again - it's more that he doesn't want to commit to living together or being a full on partner. At least he is being honest. Personally I don't think it necessarily means he doesn't love you, just that he is an independent person who likes his own space, has his family already and doesn't particularly want to do all that again. If what he wants is not what you want then it's probably best to go you'd separate ways now and avoid further heartache down the line.

Ellapaella · 13/09/2017 14:50

FWIW my current dh and I met when we were separated from previous spouses and each had a young child (3 & 2). We lived separately for 6 years before we got married and then started our own family. We spent nearly every weekend together, 2 or 3 week nights one of us would go to the others, went on holiday together etc etc. It was actually very pleasant! We didn't plan to get married or have our own children together it just sort of evolved naturally. In the early days we didn't make any promises and just enjoyed each other's company. I think you can make it work as long as you both are happy with the situation.

Colourmylife1 · 13/09/2017 14:50

I have been with my DP 2 years. We both have grown up DC. I could not love him more. We both see our future together and see ourselves as true partners. However I cannot see us moving in together in the near future as we both love our own space too much. In many ways it is the perfect relationship.
I do get that it is different in your case as you seem to want different things but please don't think living apart is necessarily an indicator of strength of feelings or commitment.

juneau · 13/09/2017 17:32

It's not the not living together that makes it casual - it's the way he comes and goes and the OP isn't a full part of his life. They've been together, on and off, for two years, yet she hasn't even met one of his DC and he doesn't want to be part of her DC's lives. That, to me, is pretty casual. You can be committed and live apart - sure - but he doesn't sound all that committed to me.

Original poster

Libs1980 · 13/09/2017 18:26

My god. Some of these comments are way off! I didnt say i wasnt happy. Aaked for opinions

OP posts:

Colourmylife1 · 13/09/2017 19:10

OP if you are happy please try and enjoy the present and don't worry too much about what may or may not happen in the future. Who knows how you will feel then. You may think that your current set up is pretty perfect and not want to change. He may be desperate to marry!
I was married for 25 years and have absolutely no desire to remarry but that doesn't mean I can't change my mind a few years down the line.
FWIW I haven't met my DPs children after 2 years. It hurts a bit but it's their choice and not a measure of their father's feelings for me.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2017 20:14

Hi OP,

I didn't state this in my comment earlier, but you can totally be happy with this type of relationship! It's one I would want (no more picking up underpants from the floor/arguing about who's turn it is to do the washing up etc). It just depends if YOU are happy with it.

Ellapaella · 13/09/2017 20:27

You asked for opinions about whether the relationship can work as it is? I think that is what people have been trying to answer is it not? That yes it can work if you are both happy with the situation? So if you are happy with it then great, of course it can work and yes one day he might change his mind about living with you but he also might not. What more can anyone say?!

Original poster

Libs1980 · 14/09/2017 09:51

Thank you. I think ill just go with it for now and see what happens. Its not that he doesnt spend time with my kids cus he does. He just doesnt want to be a dad to them. I do get that when his kids are alot older.

OP posts:

Colourmylife1 · 14/09/2017 10:14

My children are adults and there is no way I would want to become 'mum' to a DP's younger children. As long as he respects that your DC come first I don't see the problem. Good luck!

mostmoisturised · 14/09/2017 12:46

Some of these comments are way off

Not really, but they are telling you something you don't want to hear. I think your choice is not to see what happens, but whether to accept the fact that the relationship won't change.

BF might find someone he really does want to be with, what will you do then? What value do you place on yourself?

Original poster

Libs1980 · 14/09/2017 14:40

I do believe he does want too be with me. I know he has ALOT ofissues regardibg relationships hence why he was single for 8 years. Its not about that my question was can we have a full relationship when at the moment says he never wants to live with aanybody.

OP posts:

mostmoisturised · 14/09/2017 15:15

Well then my answer would be no.

On a wider point, you could really use a discussion in RL with someone who could talk to you about your being taken advantage of because you may be vulnerable.

Adora10 · 14/09/2017 17:48

So two years later he still tells you he doesn't want anything serious, doe she just turn up at yours to spend the night (get sex), does he actually woo you, take you out, spoil you, surprise you, make you feel like a million dollars, it doesn't sound like it, sorry but it sounds like he's just with you until something or someone better catches his eye.

You are perfectly normal to feel maybe this is not for you when a man tells you pretty straightforwardly that he does not want a LTR with you; why should you settle for what he's offering, what exactly is he giving you other than false hope, even though he's being honest.

Sorry, but that old chestnut about scared to commit, hurt in the past; it's all bullshit to keep you off their back.

Original poster

Libs1980 · 14/09/2017 18:12

Yes he does take me out, yes he does spend time with me and my kids. He doesnt want to be their dad? I dont think im being taken advantage of. Hes had plenty of opportunity with women and hasnt gone elsewhere.

OP posts:

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