When is enough enough?

[sofalover]

I've been with my partner on and off for 3 yrs

We don't live together however the last year we have been trying to
( he has historic debt and we've struggled ) anyway start of the year, he has cleared his credit cards and over draft and his parents gave us deposit for a house
Cut a long story short it fell through

We ended up splitting up

I was far to stressed and although I love him I just feel my needs and my lo weren't getting thought of
Time after time after begging me to go back I did

I've just found out that the job he has been at this year, haven't paid him all of his wages, therefore he's had to dip into the deposit money to even live, so the deposit money is gone, he's maxed out his credit cards ( £4k on one and 3k on another and the last few weeks he has no money for food or petrol so I've had to lend it to him
( I work but I claim tax credits as I'm on a very low income )
I just feel very hurt that he didn't talk to me about how bad finances were which has now left me short
I've since lost my job and in shit street basically
We've had a chat and I've told him I just want him to he honest with me
As we were going to he buying a house together and IF it went through we would have lost it anyway

I feel sorry for him as he's not being paid but I also feel resentful that he's let it get to this.

All I'm doing is getting upset and we are arguing
Not good for any of us
And lo is going to pick up on it if not already
But I can't see the wood for the trees

I love him but I finished with him in the new year as his stress and moods made me miserable but at the same time I want to support him but I feel we just go round in circles

He was in debt this bad when I met him
He turned it around and now he's back there

Just want someone to talk to I guess as feel I don't have anyone

Thanks for reading x

Is he your child's father?

Why do you feel you need to fix him? He's irresponsible and unless he's a teen, unlikely to change.

If you stay with him it will always be like this..no stability, and always in debt.

He must know you will bail him out.Its your choice, stay or be brave and get on with your life without him.

I doubt you will regret leaving him in the long term as he's a drain on you.

No he isn't my los father

I don't know, because I love him and l always think things are going to work out

He's 42 and I've told him before I feel he doesn't ever make a change

I guess I feel bad leaving him as it feels it's all about money

I've just found out that the job he has been at this year, haven't paid him all of his wages, therefore he's had to dip into the deposit money to even live I would find this a bit suspicious. Has he made a complaint to ACAS (ACAS support workers' rights)?
If he is not interested to contact ACAS, it may be that he is finding an habit such as alcohol, drug, gambling...
What are is spending habits like?

It's been going on a year since he started his job
I don't think so as I've seen emails and been in on phone calls with the company and they are having massive financial problems
God it was any of that I would be so out of here! Plus he knows that as I wouldn't ever tolerate that kind of lie

I could ask him about that and say I got it from google ? He is on annual leave this week and have said about getting another job which he's doing but I feel like I've made him do that you know?

We've done nothing but sit down and talk and i dont know what else I can talk to him about? I'm exhausted

This is not just about money. It's about being with someone you can trust and rely upon. He's in his 40s and his life is a train wreck. You really want to live like this? Never mind the fact that he's moody and unstable. Run for the hills before he drags you down with him, because he will.

Yeah your right it's not about money at all

We broke up because he was so moody and no your right I didn't want that life.
We spent 3 months apart and he begged and begged me back saying he was moody because we was tired working so hard all the time for this house so we decided to give it a go and not buy a house until we are sorted

But all we've done is get into more debt and I feel let down but guilty that I'm giving him a hard time

For example I asked him to bring me some milk and bread over and he came in crying saying his card got refused so how can I kick him out?! If you loved someone that much, who's great with lo I can't do that? But if he's lieing to me how he has got into debt that's another story

So what do you think about asking to see his credit card balances then asking what he's owed ?
He's owned a lot from work
He has an expense account which is in its thousands and his salary which he's only getting a third so once they do pay, most of it will be paid back.

I've said he should walk away from his company and find a new job but he keeps saying there's contracts waiting to land and he doesn't want to walk away then the money comes in and he will miss out, I do get that and i don't want to be the reason he left and then he resents me ?

But I honestly don't think there's any money coming at all

I'm so confused and don't know what to do

It sounds like you staying with him is a lot like him staying at his job. Both of you expect the future to be totally different from the present.

Maya Angelo said that when some body shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

Aquamarine is quite right, this is about more than financial management, he's a train crash you dont need fucking up your life. A dear friend of mine met a lovely bloke, they were head over heals, did the fairy tale wedding and had kids. He already left a trail of unpaid debt when they met and stuck his head in the sand. They couldn't buy a house, he secretly ran up loads of debt in her name too and lied loads to cover his tracks. They've now split and she's lost her house she owned before they met, is bankrupt and waiting for the council to house her. She regrets not taking note of the obvious warning signs now and is much happier without him.

Do not move in with this manchild, he will drag you under too and you clearly can't afford to take that on.

You're wasting you're time with this loser. Are you really this desperate to be in a relationship?

What is there to be confused about? The truth is laid bare right before your eyes! His is a DISASTER, and I would be willing to bet all of this nonsense about him being owed money is just a load of shit - he's saying that to keep you in the hook. Honestly, it's time to stop deluding yourself and end this nightmare of a relationship.

And one more thing, who gives a fuck if he resents you? That's HIS problem. Why are you so desperate to appease this man who brings nothing positive into your life? If you are incapable of breaking up with him for your own wellbeing, do it for your child. How can you allow your child to be exposed to this loser? Talk about a horrible role model.

Does he work for a small manufacturing company with a cash flow problem (or similar)? Because from the outside this looks really, really dodgy.

It can be easy to slip into debt but to have done it again- and in such a short space of time- and he's swallowed up god knows how many thousands of a house deposit plus £7k on cards - that's staggering.

Something isn't right here. Like pps have said possibly drugs or gambling? You don't live with him so it might be easier than you think to hide it. Do you know what his salary ought to be versus what he collects? Do you have access to his bank/card statements? I know technically it's none of your business if you haven't combined households but it would be very informative to find out where his money goes.

I know you are all right

I've come here for advice as I've already said I can't see the wood for the trees, I've lost my job and I'm very upset right now

No I'm not desperate for a relationship at all
I just loved and believed in this man but it appears my love is wasted on him

Oh and I would bin him if I were you. Whatever the truth of the money business this sounds like a miserable relationship with no point, purpose or future. Run.

The company is a solutions company
I've been to it and it's all above board
There's 7 people there in total
He earns 54k he is the BDM

He should take home 3320 a month but they've given him £500 and £1000 here and there.

His expenses are £4k on one card and £2k on another

He travels a lot and puts train tickets food etc on it but it's adding up

No I don't have access to his bank accounts but he has expensive taste, his car is over £400 a month and he gets new ins every 6 months as he gets bored.

We really are chalk and cheese and I need to break away

I've called him to tell him not to come over tonight and said I need some time
His mum was in the background as I heard him say I'm having a coffee with mum then I'll come over
I kept saying no I want some space ( we argued last night and I asked him to go but he said he wanted to stay and sort it out) he kept repeating I'll be over soon so I said stop talking codes and don't come over
He said something about me always repeating myself ?! As in the past he accuses me of all I do is repeat myself yes because he doesn't listen to me?! And I've hung up on him
I hate how I feel at the moment

You made bad decisions getting back together with him those times before. Best end it and cut contact, and focus on your own plans and jobseeking. He sounds like bad news.

No future with someone who is like this with finances and lies.

Love, I so feel for you.

But I need, NEED to get something through to you. PLEASE don't ever listen to words before actions. Talk is cheap. Tears are cheap. Honestly. ACTIONS are what are important. He has lied to you AGAIN about money. He has no excuse. He knows you love him! What does he need to lie for? He is showing you so, so clearly that he is a terrible partner.

It doesn't matter how he feels
It doesn't matter what emotions shows
What matters is what he does and he only seems to do you wrong!

It's not difficult for grown adults to get along with children! Anyone who wants to, can.

He is moody and miserable, he lies, he runs up debts, and yet none of it is ever his fault? Love, how can you stay in this situation? He will break you in the end!

I'm sorry to hear that he is sad, but can you really stay with someone because they are sad that they keep fucking up horribly by their own choice?? Is that a good thing for dd to witness you doing? Would you want her doing the same one day? Because I'm sorry to say this but she will, if you keep this up with him.

I know you say you don't want to leave him "just" because of money but money is a HUGE big deal. It is a roof over your head, bread in your child's mouth. It's respect, safety, comfort, opportunity. It IS something that you absolutely should end a relationship over. Anyone who says different is a fool! I will defend that fact to the bitter end, because women get taught absolute bullshit about money and relationships, and all it does is serve to keep them with feckless men who ruin their lives

Him refusing to listen to very clear directives from you is ABUSIVE. You told him several times not to come over and yet he insists he is. What a creep. If you have any sense whatsoever, you will not let him in if he shows up. There is something very wrong with this man and he is playing you for the fool. Red flags are everywhere.

Thing is, I've given him chance after chance so It is completely my fault
Not playing the victim at all but I shouldn't have ever taken him back

Thanks guys, it is hurting but it's going to hurt me more staying in the long run
No ones perfect but I don't want perfection

You can end this misery and confusion now sofalover. Be strong. Set your boundary (you don't want to see him) and stick to it.

Let him sort out his own financial mess. Your own life will be so much simpler without having to worry about his money or lack of.

How can someone who isn't being paid properly even contemplate a new expensive car twice a year he doesn't care about money he just enjoys spending! He'd be the same if you'd moved in together a wreckless spender who'd put the home of your DC in jeopardy with debts lies and unreliable income. You'd have to shoulder the burden of the household bills while he gets his new toy car!

Get rid and focus your energy on yourself and lo

Sorry OP, his financial situation makes no sense. If a company cannot make its payroll, then it either lets staff go, declares itself bankrupt or, if it actually only has a cash flow problem, it goes to the bank and borrows.

I have NEVER heard of an employee having to get into debt to bankroll their employer. He is not only not being paid but he is actually paying for company expenses on his personal credit card? I am sorry, but this is madness. It just doesn't happen in any sane, real life situation. If it is happening, then there is something very wrong and probably illegal going on, although that is actually not your real concern. Your real concern is that he cannot even buy bread and milk and yet he allows this situation to continue.

That tells you where your place is in his list of what is important to him.

You need to look after yourself now, and not be propping up or supporting this lunacy. Start to plan to get out.

My husband was exactly the same OP........for 17 years. no amount of talking solved his financial problems.
Since he left I have my finances straight, I am 100 times better off and finally living the life I always wanted.
He will never change and as he does this behind your back it's clear he never will change. Do you want to waste 17 years too?