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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do drunk texts ever mean anything?

26 replies

Toria28 · 12/09/2017 10:26

I called off a relationship with my ex 12 days ago and have been NC since. We were together properly for 2 years before splitting up (his decision)and since then for the past year and a half have fallen into a non committal limbo relationship.
Eventually I decided enough was enough and told him to take some time to think about what he wants and if it isn't me then we both need to move on.

I haven't contacted him since then but in the past 12 days he has contacted me on 2 separate occasions in the middle of the night (so I'm assuming drunk) with texts and calls saying that he loves me and he wants to meet up to talk and now knows what he wants.
I've ignored these messages as I feel as though this is a conversation that needs to come from a sober place but I'm worried that by ignoring him he will assume I'm not interested and give up.

Do these messages even mean anything? I love this man but I don't want to be strung along again. Should I break NC to reply or carry on with NC?

OP posts:

Worriedrose · 12/09/2017 10:45

Perhaps think about why you separated in the first place? Words are cheap
Actions are loud.
Is he just playing games with you. Limbo is not a fun place and if he can't commit then Therin lies your answer.
I've been in a very similar situation, the "I can't live without you" messages and words drunk and sober, but still no actions to back it up.
Did you have another thread about this?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/09/2017 10:49

Would continue to ignore him and furthermore block his means of contacting you further. A conversation with him would be more of the same i.e. a waste of time.

Do you love this man or are you really confusing that with codependency?

Original poster

Toria28 · 12/09/2017 10:49

Worriedrose yes I did, but prior to the contact and it's now making me question what I should do! Finding it all quite difficult so I suppose just looking for some reassurance that I am doing the right thing

OP posts:

millifiori · 12/09/2017 10:51

Toria You are doing the right thing. And the longer you leave it, the less likely you are to want to get back with someone who only misses you when it's late and he's drunk and hoping for a quickie

verbaIkint · 12/09/2017 10:51

Was it an abusive relationship OP?

schoolgaterebel · 12/09/2017 10:52

I'd reply 'I assume you have been drinking and it's the alcohol talking, if you still want to tomorrow, when you are sober, give me a call. Good luck with the hangover x'

Worriedrose · 12/09/2017 10:55

If I remember the thread correctly he just kept you hangIng on and gave you nothing?
Turned you from being a proper girlfriend to someone he couldn't quite make his mind up about.
That is not the actions of a kind man. If you're not sure about someone then you have to let them go. It's deeply unfair not too.

He has really messed you around and now he thinks it's ok to keep you hooked in some way.
This will never end, he sounds like he has narcissist tendencies because no sane person would ever treat someone that way.

You do need to block his number. I know how hard it is, but you don't need to see these messages.
Let's say you did get back together? And he declares you were the one for him, would you ever trust him not to do this to you again?

Original poster

Toria28 · 12/09/2017 10:56

It wasn't abusive but everything was very much on his terms. When he saw me, spoke to me. If he had a bad day or just didn't fancy talking he would ignore me and then use the fact that we weren't in a relationship to justify his behaviour. The effort definitely came from my side as I really wanted to make it work.
He is a massive over thinker and seems scared to commit to a relationship despite desperately wanting a family/ marriage etc.I really don't think he is a bad guy but there are definitely some issues there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Toria28 · 12/09/2017 10:57

Yes Worried that was it. I just wish he would let me move on!

OP posts:

schoolgaterebel · 12/09/2017 11:01

Read your latest post and I think it's clear he is emotionally challenged and incapable of a mature relationship.

Ignore all texts and move on, you deserve better.

Adora10 · 12/09/2017 11:01

Not much of a compliment if he has to be wasted to declare his feelings; I agree with above, if he can't even tell you what he wants sober then I'd assume he's just drunk rather than being honest and in turmoil about it all.

Adora10 · 12/09/2017 11:03

Ah that old chestnut, sorry I don't buy the scared of commitment, it usually just means they are not sure about you/are looking for better/don't want anything serious......just saw your latest, ignored you, why did you put up with that crap?

Worriedrose · 12/09/2017 11:15

He will spend his life being unsure. Sadly
And you deserve more than that even if you do love him.
Perhaps Turn it around in your head, you are letting him go, you are letting him move on, if you can do that you are being a kind person. It's up to him to now make his own life choices. You gave him your time and it didn't work out.
Otherwise this is just going to be a vicous cycle that seriously affects your mental health and your life in general.
Take it from someone who knows! I did three years of this. It nearly killed me.

Worriedrose · 12/09/2017 11:16

I also read a lot about attachment theory and co-dependency
You are both stuck in this cycle and yes not mature enough emotionally to break it. So you have to be the one to take the bold step of having a proper life for yourself

Worriedrose · 12/09/2017 11:16

Yes should read he's

ConorMcGregorsChin · 12/09/2017 11:17

Last couple of relationships I've ended because I wasn't happy.
They drunk texted at 1am.
Classic arsehole tactic.
I don't go back.
You shouldn't either.

numbmum83 · 12/09/2017 11:18

I tend to think drunk texts are a sign the sender is horny and trying their best to manipulate you to get their leg over!

scaryclown · 12/09/2017 11:35

I don't agree with this necessarily. Obviously the specific situation is the thing, but as we get older, the dominance of the 'public' ego defending part of us gets very strong and its hard to be emotionally vulnerable, and alcohol is absolutely the thing that allows us to bring feelings to the surface, and because missing someone or acknowledgimg you might need someone is intensely personal, alot of people will park those feelings until they are secure enough to feel them. It's not uncommon at all to have a jolly friendly relationship, underpinned by real need and fear of it ending without it being revealed. . I've even been in relationships that were so naturally feeling, that it was difficult to know how deeply I felt until there was a real possibility of them not being there.

If he has said very deep and honest things when drunk to you and then you ignore them, well, you are giving very clear signals to him that if he does express his feelings, you get more distant, so hell default back to not mentioning them to preserve contact.

I regard drunk behaviour as less filtered but possibly less compartmentalised. There's a guy I know from a local pub who is nice and decent at work but when he drinks with his colleagues he is a vile nasty bully. I suspect the drunk him is much more how he sees himself and the work him is an adopted unlicensed personality. Others disagree but my view is that his unguarded self is much more unpleasant than his guarded self. Also do you know how he views the world/relationships? He might see being 'too' connected as dangerous. (I do, I despise the joined at the hip type relationships and adore the 'we are two separate people who love being together as friends, or lovers, or miserable moaners, and that has been read in the past by the more hearts and flowers and serious meals types as not really caring...

TheNaze73 · 12/09/2017 11:44

Block him. It's not his job to let you move on, it's yours.

Worriedrose · 12/09/2017 11:47

@scaryclown
I do agree with you, I agree about inhibitions and that you do truly see the true side of someone's personality when they're drunk!

Also think getting totally twatted with someone on a third date is a good way to see the true them!!!

But the op has done 2 years on, another year and a half in limbo.

He may have many issues, but she can't save him sadly. Sometimes we just have to let people go. However sad that makes us

Original poster

Toria28 · 12/09/2017 18:00

Thanks all. Feeling a bit better this afternoon. Have avoided texting. Am going to leave it or this cycle will never end. I saw an image saying "drunk words are sober feelings" so it did get me thinking about whether there is any truth behind this I suppose!

OP posts:

Worriedrose · 15/09/2017 08:41

Hope you're doing ok op

Original poster

Toria28 · 15/09/2017 12:30

Thank you! Have had another message since asking to meet up again. So difficult just to ignore them. Why do I feel bad ignoring him during NC when he is the one that wouldn't commit!
I'm so used to putting his feelings before mine, so this definitely feels a bit strange putting mine first at his expense!

OP posts:

cakecakecheese · 15/09/2017 12:39

He's probably a bit put out that you've maintained the no contact so well. Because these are drunken texts I'd imagine that he wants a shag that if you did meet him he'd probably want sex but then would go back to 'not knowing what he wants'. You are doing so well don't let him drag you back into this cycle.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 15/09/2017 12:46

I very much stand by the philosophy that a man's actions are what matter. A man who wants to be in a relationship with you and is committed to you will walk over hot coals to be with you, text you regularly without leaving you hanging and his words will match his deeds and vice versa. Whether or not his drunk texts reveal the man you want him to be he is not that person in real life when sober. Do you really want a relationship with someone who only gives you the words you want to hear when drunk? You've had two years with him. You know what he's like. Your hope cannot change him into the man you think he is/ want him to be. You can have a life time with him if you want but it will be with the man you already know with all of the disappointments that come with that. He's telling you who is when he's sober.

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