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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Spying on one's DH is wrong, yes? So how do I get to the truth??

29 replies

WTF1 · 11/09/2017 21:00

I'm in a sexless relationship, no action for 8 years or so. We have 2 DC's that came along when we were still pretending that there wasn't a problem, aged 10 and 13. But I basically gave up a long time ago now, my DH just isn't interested. I have been kidding myself for years that one day we will sort it out, when the kids are older, when DH isn't so busy at work etc etc. He admits he has a low sex drive. But no sex at all???

A friend put a seed of doubt in my mind and so I put the software that we use to monitor our children's screen time on our joint pc. And within a day it flagged porn. Looked like a tacky site where people upload images/footage of themselves for all to see. Then I noticed DH's web cam set up

A few days later and DH appears aware that the pc has the monitoring software on it. He is very tech savvy. He doesn't know what or if I have seen anything. He would deny, deny, deny if I broached the subject. The software is removed with no drama, the pc used to be used by the kids so it's not unreasonable it was there, IYKWIM.

So, it may have been a one off stumbled across this sort of thing, or he could be a regular on the site joining in etc etc. I want to know which.

What do I do??

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 11/09/2017 21:10

What are you trying to achieve?

Original poster

WTF1 · 11/09/2017 21:13

The truth. Does he really have no sex drive or is he actually wanking at the pc.

OP posts:

thestamp · 11/09/2017 21:14

So, it may have been a one off stumbled across this sort of thing, or he could be a regular on the site joining in etc etc. I want to know which.

Why, though?

You've not had sex in EIGHT years, and not by mutual agreement apparently? If I've read that right - then obviously the marriage is over? Whether he's online doing nefarious things doesn't matter does it?

Or am I misunderstanding?

thestamp · 11/09/2017 21:15

The truth. Does he really have no sex drive or is he actually wanking at the pc.

Cross posted, but again... why is this important?

Are your needs being met in the marriage? Surely not? In which case, why are you with him?

loveyoutothemoon · 11/09/2017 21:15

Both-because of the latter.

Pagwatch · 11/09/2017 21:18

Would that make any difference though.
You are either unhappy because you won't have sex again because he has no sex drive. Or because he is wanking over porn.
Either way you don't trust him, you care enough to talk about it, he doesn't seem to see the need to get help and you haven't been bothered enough to insist he works with you to try no improve things.

I'm not being contrary. I just don't get the sense that you care really other than wanting to catch him out and I'm not sure that would achieve anything.

Of course it's entirely possible I've completely misread your post which is why I was wondering.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 11/09/2017 21:20

Why have you stayed with him so long?

Even if it's just a one-off, what difference does it make? He's not interested in a sexual relationship with you. Maybe he's gay, maybe he's got a porn addiction, maybe he just doesn't care.

But the end result is the same. You're miserable and in a marriage with no sexual contact/intimacy. Why does it matter what the reason is? He's not interested. You can either choose to stay with him and go without sex, or leave and find someone who gives a damn.

Original poster

WTF1 · 11/09/2017 21:20

Oh dear. I've become a mumsnet cliche. Because I'm now going to say: I am with him because he is mostly a nice bloke, we get on ok, he doesn't beat me, the kids love him, I can't imagine splitting up etc etc.

But no, my needs are not met.

OP posts:

RonSwansonsMoustache · 11/09/2017 21:22

he doesn't beat me

That's not a reason to stay with someone! Why is your bar so low?

PaintingByNumbers · 11/09/2017 21:22

Like everyone else says, why does it matter?
8 years is a long time to kid yourself. Perhaps subconsciously you are gearing up for a confrontation, or to leave?

Original poster

WTF1 · 11/09/2017 21:24

Pagwatch you do seem to have got me, actually. I don't know what the hell I want to achieve by catching him out. I don't want to split up. I don't want to stay together. Fuck knows. I just want to know the score I think.

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 11/09/2017 21:25

Yes, I agree with Painting
I wonder if you are picking a fight that would give you enough indignation to leave

StarfishSeahorse · 11/09/2017 21:26

"He doesn't beat me"?
Fucking hell I've read it all now!

thestamp · 11/09/2017 21:26

I am with him because he is mostly a nice bloke, we get on ok, he doesn't beat me, the kids love him, I can't imagine splitting up etc etc.

OK, fair dos.
In that case, though, shouldn't you just spare yourself the aggro of spying, confrontation, denials, etc.? You've already decided you aren't going to leave him - the marriage isn't going to change, you know that - and you've decided you want to continue. So just leave him to it. That's my advice, if you want to stay married.

But no, my needs are not met.

I find this quite sad, but if it's something you've decided is worth putting up with, then, again, I'd say you should just leave him be.

Ultimately, he is not going to change. I think you know that. So why bother chasing him down the rabbit hole, trying to get him to admit things that he clearly doesn't want to acknowledge or change.

Pagwatch · 11/09/2017 21:26

Oh WTF1 - that's so difficult for you. I'm sorry.
Yes, I wonder if you just want to change things and this is a way?

Original poster

WTF1 · 11/09/2017 21:28

I guess it is the children i worry about. On the one hand, DH and I are really not role modelling a healthy relationship. But separating? How does that help them? One of my DC's already has issues with anxiety.

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 11/09/2017 21:29

Could you tell him that? Tell him that you don't want to split but you can't do another 8 years with no intimacy? And that his disinterest in trying to resolve that part of your lives is hurtful?

Original poster

WTF1 · 11/09/2017 21:34

Pagwatch I have been trying to come up with all manner of solutions - I have affairs; I accept celibacy; I buy a turbo charged vibrator... At the end of the day I have so much hurt historically from his rejections over the years that I dont actually want to have sex with him anymore. Oh contraire!! But emotionally I still seem to need him

OP posts:

SweetLuck · 11/09/2017 21:36

Yes, if you discover that he is wanking then you gave a situation where he does have a sex drive, but just doesn't want to have sex with you. I think a lot of long term couples feel like this. Confronting him with it isn't going to miraculously light some sexy fire under him and make him want to fuck you.

I'm assuming the OP was being lighthearted with the he doesn't beat me comment!

Pagwatch · 11/09/2017 21:38

I'm sorry. I'm not sure what to suggest then. But I think you do need to see your sadness and rejection as something that needs resolution .

QuiteLikely5 · 11/09/2017 21:43

Of course he is watching porn! And I'd bet my house it wasn't a one off!

However, there is a lot to be said for a marriage where everything is good aside from sex.

Many people stay and enjoy the other things that can be beneficial. Anyway sex is overrated

QuiteLikely5 · 11/09/2017 21:44

And after watching porn for 8 years he will suffer from 'death grip' Google it

SweetLuck · 11/09/2017 21:45

sex is overrated

Nope. It really isn't. Not good sex.

mindutopia · 11/09/2017 22:04

I think it sounds like there are two issues here, and you have to separate them out. Keeping your sex life vibrant after being together a long time takes work and time. That's one thing and I don't know how you get that back other than just spending quality time together and trying new things and potentially getting some support for either of you (but I'm thinking maybe more him?) if there are any medical reasons why that hasn't been possible. My dh and I have definitely gone through some dry spells (though admittedly not as long as you have been dealing with it). What helped was spending more time alone together, weekends away, and frankly giving it a go even when one or neither of us was in the mood. Over time, it did help tremendously. But you have to both want to and be willing to do it (literally and figuratively).

The porn thing is a separate issue. Porn shouldn't be a replacement for sex and it's often more of a fantasy and a tension release rather than providing all the things that a loving, sexual relationship provides. If you haven't had a conversation in the past that neither of you would use porn, I don't think you can get too upset about that. It's something most people do, men or women. I think to an extent he deserves some privacy to do as he pleases. But I do hear your concern that it isn't fair for him to be devoting his time and energy to porn when he says he has no sex drive. Do you think it could be there is some other explanation for the discrepancy? Like do you think he has ED and can't get it up with you or is nervous about trying and has just shut down over the years? And I hesitate to even ask this, but you don't think he could be interested in men do you? If he is making videos, which it sounds like you suspect he might be, I don't know of many sites where there is a massive demand for videos of men pleasuring themselves that aren't gay sites (not a lot of women out there dying to see that!). Maybe completely far-fetched, I don't know. Do you know if he was actually using the web cam or just by chance there happens to be a web cam installed? Most free porn is accessible via these upload sites now, so I wouldn't necessarily assume he is uploading anything unless you know he is, if that makes sense.

I think you do truly need to talk to him about this. I wouldn't dwell too much on the porn. Like I said, most people watch porn and in people with a healthy sexuality, it's completely separate from and doesn't replace their desire for their partners. But I think he should know how hurt you are and how much you would want to be doing these things with him, and that it's painful to not feel like he would rather be doing that with you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Voice0fReason · 11/09/2017 22:14

However, there is a lot to be said for a marriage where everything is good aside from sex.
Only if both people in the relationship are happy with that arrangement, otherwise it is shit.

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