Confused about DP's behaviour on my birthday

[SnorkMaiden17]

Hi all

I've lurked for ages, so here goes.

I've been with my DP for nearly 3 years. He has two almost adult sons who visit maybe once a week, I don't have any children, although that's not so relevant, just to give a fuller picture.

It was my birthday last week. I had taken that day and the Friday off work, he had to be on a course on the Wednesday and Thursday, but would be home on the Thursday evening. That's fine, these things happen.

This is where my frustration and confusion sets in. He had initially suggested that since he was in a hotel on the Wednesday night, I could stay with him, we could go out for a nice meal, I could have a day in London the next day and we'd meet up and go home on Thursday afternoon.

On the night before his course, I checked with him about the hotel, because since his first suggestion, nothing else had been said. He apparently still didn't have the details, didn't know if he might have to share a room with a colleague etc etc. I asked him to find out the next day and said he would have to take some spare clothes for me in his case to be prepared.

On the day of the course once i had got to work, I texted him to ask again about the hotel. He still didn't know if he had a room to himself or not. I suggested he call the hotel to ask and said if I didn't hear from him before my work day ended, I would go home. (I commute a long way to work in London every day, he normally works in our home town).

I heard nothing from him, although I saw that he had time to post on Facebook during the day (no stalking, just something that appeared on my feed). So, I went home. He called me on my journey home and suggested we got out for a meal the next night when he got back home, and I said that would be lovely.

I spent my birthday on my own as it was too short notice to do anything with friends as they were all working. It was an OK day, I'm quite happy on my own, but... it was my birthday.

He came home in the evening, said he wasn't very well and went to bed. I was so fed up, but kept it to myself. Of course he couldn't help feeling ill, but the sheer disorganisation of it all was really starting to get to me.

Here's the thing. He knows that to me, my birthday is very important. He knows it's the one day of the year that I would like a little bit of a fuss to be made. I know he couldn't help the timing of the course, I know he couldn't help being ill. I am just so frustrated that he seems incapable of putting in a bit of effort - like phoning the hotel in advance without being asked to check if the room was shared or for him alone, of taking a bit of initiative. After all, it was him that suggested I could stay with him overnight in London - I wouldn't have asked for the hotel stay as it was his work training course.

To cap it all off, since I had a feeling that the meal out after he came back from London had a chance of not happening, I had bought nice food and wine to have at home. we finally ate it on the Saturday night before he went to work (he works night shifts) but only because I cooked it. Left to him, it would still be in the fridge. He knew it was my birthday meal because he raised his glass and said 'belated happy birthday' - but at no point did he acknowledge that I had had to make my own birthday meal.

I'm not hard work (I don't think). I don't expect or ask for flowers and gifts and evenings out all the time. It's just once a year, I'd like to feel special. It's not as if he is in the dark about this - I've told him very plainly that birthdays are special to me and I like to be treated well on this one day.

He did say 'I wish I'd planned this better' - but I'm finding that hard to believe now because it seems to be a repeat performance for a lot of things. For example, it's a constant surprise to him that I get home from work at around 7.30pm each night and if I'm not cooking (and I do most of it because he works night shifts), he needs to have food planned. We end up eating at 10pm very often because he's suddenly realised the time, that he needs to cook something and I hate it (and he knows this too). He apologises that we're eating so late and I'm gritting my teeth and thinking 'well be a bit more fucking organised then'.

I'm starting to resent him and I really don't want to. Am I being demanding? How can I deal with this (either by changing my reaction or addressing his approach with him in a clear but kind way)?

I know he's not bothered about his own birthday, although I have always got him good gifts, taken him out for meals and generally pampered him. It's almost as if, because certain things aren't an issue for him, he can't understand or take on board that they might be an issue for me, even if I've told him. He doesn't seem to feel hunger, so he can quite easily get up at 5pm, not eat anything before work and then not eat whilst he is at work until 3am.

I am at my wits end. It's not the birthday per se that is bothering me, I think it's just the constant repetition of what comes across as 'can't be arsed-ness'. He's bloody organised and efficient at work, so he can do it.

Can any one of you lovely ladies help?

Well done for saying that - what was his reaction?

Personally, I'd be telling him that you're on a downer because you were alone on your birthday with no effort made and that you need to feel special so he should pick a day because, like the queen, you'll be having 2 birthdays this year so he can show you he loves you by giving you a day to remember.

Oh and that in future, if he's going away or the date of your birthday doesn't fit in with you plans, it's up to him to give you the date you will be celebrating it together.

Cambionome - he tells me that he feels like nothing he does is good enough for me. That's a fair point - I have been pulling him up on a number of things for the same reason lately - not feeling like I am a priority. He does the things that are easy for him, but not the (apparently) hard things. But I have been pulling him up on these things because he's been doing them (or more relevant - not doing them). It's just not sinking in.

Joysmum - yes, I have asked him for these kind of things - I asked him to organise something for us when we next both have the weekend off and can relax and enjoy ourselves. Sadly, he focused on the 'I can't do anything right' issue, so I'm not sure if that will stick in his mind.

I hate this so much, because now I feel like he thinks I just want money spent on me. I really don't. In the past, we had fun times together where hardly any money was spent at all (maybe on a coffee or two) and I loved them, because it was us, together, making special memories to look back on which still make me smile. The sad thing is, these memories are now tinged with sadness because they just don't happen any more.

I have organised little surprises for him and things for us to do together in all this time. I had a special day planned when it was August bank holiday because amazingly, he had that night off work. I checked to make sure he was right, he confirmed it was, and I got to work on the plan. Then, the day before, he mentioned about how busy it was going to be at work tomorrow night because it was bank holiday - he'd got it all wrong, so I had to undo everything I had organised - bookings, taxis, celebratory 'I'm not working on the bank holiday' stuff - and I was so hurt. When I told him about this, he said 'I can't have told you I had the bank holiday off - I always work bank holidays'. I know this sounds like gaslighting, but I do think he was genuinely confused because yes, the only holiday he has never worked in all of our relationhsip is Christmas Day.

I'm not spoiled, really, really I'm not. But this is where we have got to. Because he doesn't care how people treat him, he doesn't think anyone else cares how they are treated.

I'm so fed up.

Hi SnorkMaiden17. I could repeat what others have said and say you're not compatible etc... But I think you may need to look at things from a different angle, please correct me if I could be wrong.

I was in a similar situation, in the way of the set-up of day to day workings and the kind of responses you're getting from your DP. I have to say this was down to his working pattern - night shifts, he was on a rota too, so it changed every week and you couldn't plan anything. With a new relationship we all try our hardest don't we? So this may have been the case at the beginning if he was working nights then.

My DP had very down-trodden responses and self pity that yours does. It was so hard to manage things and organise anything remotely romantic, because he was always tired (or ill - it's not healthy working night shifts, this is proven, it's a shock to the body to jump from being up at night to up at day, sound familiar?). When mine finally changed jobs we worked at everything and things are better than ever. Granted it was a shock going to a 'normal' routine (and sometimes i miss my quiet nights in hehe). Maybe this is something you can relate to, and it may explain a lot of things that are wrong.

I was fed up too.

So now he's playing the victim? He clearly does care how he's treated as he's not enjoying the fact that you're starting to speak up for yourself now. He's had no reason to worry about that before as you've let him do what he wants without complaining in the past.

I wonder how he'd react if you objected to the amount he spent following his football team???

I'm sorry OP, I'd not meant to upset/offend you, apologies if I did

So he is the poor victim of an unreasonable slave driver and whinger? What do you think about being in that role for the foreseeable future?
How about you, can you do things right, the way he likes?

My ex used to say this to me - that he could never do things right. Apparently that was why he just gave up doing anything, as it was never right. I bought that line and felt suitably bad about myself. It was only later that I remembered how he used to give me the Grim Look if I folded clothes the way I did it, rather than using his method - or if I cleaned the house shoddily (in his view) because I was also working full time but did all the housework, cooking, dog and child care etc.

This "I can never get it right" is a pretty nasty attack on your character. Have a good think about whether it is in any way justified.

SnowiestMountain - no problem, I just wanted to make it clear that I really am not hard to please or demanding all the money to be spent on me. I may well be over-invested, but that's another matter...

MoosicalDaisy - yes, I do understand the toll that shift work takes, especially nights. He has been doing them for over 20 years though, so it's not something new in our relationship. His rota changes every week as well, with maybe only 2 weeks planned in advance by the bosses. The problem is, he's worked in the same industry for all of his working life and doesn't see any opportunity to change now. So, there's nothing I can do. I have tried so hard to support him in changing his mindset to understanding that he has many, many transferrable skills, but he can't (or won't) see it. I've not badgered him, I've encouraged him, but it began to feel like I was a stuck record and he didn't want to hear. So, I can't do that any more - it's too exhausting, seemingly for both of us. So yes, I can totally relate to all that you said, except I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

ravenmum - I hate feeling that I'm a nag, a slavedriver, someone with impossibly high expectations. I don't think I am. It makes me worry that I might be like his ex-wife (which I really don't want to be seen as). My last relationship broke down after 16 years and I swore that the next time, I would always pay attention to when things didn't feel right, so that they could be dealt with in the moment - I didn't want another relationship to go wrong because of lack of attention (me and my ex were both guilty of that). The problem is, my DP doesn't care if I don't do things 'his' way, because he doesn't really have one. He's a bit like a weather-vane, just going with the flow. So it doesn't really give me solid ground to stand on - I never know. And that makes me feel even worse.

Seriously op, he knows what to do when it comes to his mum and sons. You're not asking for the world, just a bit of love and consideration.

Would he have forgotten to tell his mother that he couldn't take her out on her birthday as he was working or he was sharing a hotel room? Would he have gone to bed I'll if it and been his son's birthday?

He manages to cook etc when it's for his children, so stop listening to his bs excuses.

He's full of excuses and lack of action.

If he couldn't find out whether a colleague was sharing his room, then he could have booked another room for the two of you, and paid for it. He could have made reservations at a nice restaurant for dinner. How hard would that have been? It would have taken 10 minutes to organise.

Another thing I don't understand, is that he could have just come to your place, if he was in London and you commute to London from your place. That would have been another option that could have worked. Taken you out for dinner, stayed over and got a train to work the next day.

Or, he could have taken 2 days off as well. Everyone gets annual leave. Your birthday is on the same day every year, so he could get a request in super early.

I'm sorry, but leaving someone all alone of their birthday, when you could have found away around that, is a dickhead move.

Huskylover - we live together in our home town. I work in London Monday - Friday, he works in our home town and was on a two day course in London. But yes, as I thought to myself, he got the joining instructions enough in advance to check out all the things he needed to. And it was damned well him that made the suggestion of me staying with him, of us going out for a meal. He just didn't pull himself together enough to actually do anything about it, or check it was feasible. Now he is telling me he pays me attention every day, asks how my day was, shows interest in my hobbies as if that is a big deal. Granted, I'd be even more fed up if he ignored me when I got home from work, but now it sounds as if these 'normal' things really are something he has to make a conscious effort to do.

He phoned me about 15 minutes before his course started on the second day to wish me happy birthday - whilst he was walking down the road with his colleague. No sense of privacy or intimacy whatsoever, as if i was a mate.

Yes, I felt particularly rubbish on my birthday. I never want to feel so lonely again.

Now he is telling me he pays me attention every day, asks how my day was, shows interest in my hobbies as if that is a big deal

Well yes, but that's what ALL people in relationships should do. Otherwise, it would be a very cold relationship and wouldn't last.

Being nice on a daily basis, doesn't give you a passport for be thoughtless on birthdays/Christmas/Anniversaries etc. And why would you want to be thoughtless?

Tbh, I think in your shoes I'd retreat and be really cold with him for a while. You probably feel like that anyway.

My partner can be a bit like yours. I know he loves me enormously though, which is the bottom line for me. I have had to learn to be very specific about what I want sometimes (like my birthday). It might sound extreme, but I've got a Pinterest page of present ideas, so he can see exactly what I'd like but I still get a bit of a surprise. I annotate it with sizes or any info he might need too. It sounds pitiful written down but it really helps. I also have to be very clear about what I want to do on the day, whether we're taking the day off work or not, if we're booking a table or a show or whatever, always with lots of notice. Left to him, God help us, it would probably be a disaster!

I think you (ie one) have to decide what you want: either end it or find a way to make it work.

Maybe book a weekend away for yourself - spend some quality time on your own and see if you want to continue with this. Better 3 years than 10 if you're unhappy.

I just wonder if I am missing something. He tells me he is happy/comfortable with me, that he does those things on a daily basis - but it sounds as if they are an effort for him, that he consciously has to make an effort to do them, rather than them coming naturally. Not because he is mean or cold, but because they don't occur to him as necessary.

I am questioning everything now and wonder if I have (seemingly yet again) made a massive mistake.

You want and need to know that you are important to him, in words AND deeds.
You need to be shown that you are respected and appreciated, that you are special and beloved.

But he treats you like a pair of old slippers. Worn, useful and comfy.

You need time to consider & a bit of space, I think.

His ex was a nag?

My first thought was OW because I recognise some of the signs, like changing plans at the last minute - he might have had another offer. The bank holiday debacle fits too. In that situation trying to arrange anything is like wading through treacle because you don't realise there is something he's not telling you. All you hear are excuses and you sense things don't add up.
I know I'm projecting my own experience but it's possible he's already checked out of your relationship.

I just wonder if I am missing something
Your gut feeling has spotted there is a mismatch between his words and deeds.
Words are cheap and easy.
It's deeds that count.

But he treats you like a pair of old slippers. Worn, useful and comfy.

That's exactly it, differentlife. I don't expect everything to be exciting and shiny all the time, but I don't want the old slippers either.

keepingonrunning - I'd be very surprised if there is an OW - he's just utterly terrible at planning, organising and, let's face it, empathy. He just doesn't get the wanting to feel special every now and again is a 'thing'. The irony is, it was him that said to me that actions speak louder than words.

So, he now has a couple of shifts off, so he'll be there when I get home and all night too. I have no idea how that's going to pan out. part of me just doesn't want to go home. I'm exhausted with fretting about it all and just want time to myself.

he'll be there when I get home and all night too. I have no idea how that's going to pan out. part of me just doesn't want to go home. I'm exhausted with fretting about it all and just want time to myself

You need to trust your feelings. You know deep down that this isn't working for you.

It sounds like you spend a lot of time wondering how he's feeling. I would recommend focusing on how you feel.

Please listen to your feelings.
DONT make the same mistake than me and stay, even have dcs with this man. You are going to run yourself down and be miserable.
All the comments he has made I have heard them. And the feelingbtakwn for granted, like things are now so settled that it's not necessary to make any effort anymore.

Ah yes, the nagging ex-wife, who probably didn't understand him. I suspect she may have understood him all too well.... This is to shut you up, so he gets an easier life.
I get the feeling that he does 'just enough' to keep you vaguely satisfied, and so you can't say he is completely crap.
Do you know why the previous marriage failed?

So, an update for all of you lovely ladies who were kind enough to respond, support and counsel.

I got home last night to a changed man. The house had been hoovered, the bathroom cleaned, the bedding changed, the washing done, my clothes and his ironed...

Dinner was cooking in the oven - he had made a lasagna from scratch. Whilst it was cooking, he asked me to sit down so that we could talk. He initiated it all - he apologised for taking me for granted, for doing the bare minimum, for not making me feel special. He said he wanted to do better because he had let things slide and let everything else get in the way and i didn't deserve that.

I won't go into all of the details, but I feel much better and stronger. He definitely knows that this one night isn't a free pass for the future, that he has to keep on putting in the effort. Like I said, I don't expect (nor do I want) to be showered with gifts, to have tons of money spent on me, to be serenaded at my window. Those things are easy. The non-glamorous stuff is much harder.

Last night, I felt respect which had been missing for a long time, and to be made to feel that I can be a priority, that I can have his full attention when we are together. That was what I wanted. Last night, I felt special.

I'm not going to accept crumbs, I'm not going to be fobbed off. We see this as a new start.

• Just to answer the previous question - his ex was and is an alcoholic. I have had this information from elsewhere, so it's not a made-up story.

• Yes, I do have a tendency to put myself last - I've been like that all my life, so it is time to put me first.

Wow - great update.
I'm so glad he did all that and he initiated the talk etc...
Let's hope he keeps it up.
Well done for tackling it!
Onward and upwards.