Hi all
I've lurked for ages, so here goes.
I've been with my DP for nearly 3 years. He has two almost adult sons who visit maybe once a week, I don't have any children, although that's not so relevant, just to give a fuller picture.
It was my birthday last week. I had taken that day and the Friday off work, he had to be on a course on the Wednesday and Thursday, but would be home on the Thursday evening. That's fine, these things happen.
This is where my frustration and confusion sets in. He had initially suggested that since he was in a hotel on the Wednesday night, I could stay with him, we could go out for a nice meal, I could have a day in London the next day and we'd meet up and go home on Thursday afternoon.
On the night before his course, I checked with him about the hotel, because since his first suggestion, nothing else had been said. He apparently still didn't have the details, didn't know if he might have to share a room with a colleague etc etc. I asked him to find out the next day and said he would have to take some spare clothes for me in his case to be prepared.
On the day of the course once i had got to work, I texted him to ask again about the hotel. He still didn't know if he had a room to himself or not. I suggested he call the hotel to ask and said if I didn't hear from him before my work day ended, I would go home. (I commute a long way to work in London every day, he normally works in our home town).
I heard nothing from him, although I saw that he had time to post on Facebook during the day (no stalking, just something that appeared on my feed). So, I went home. He called me on my journey home and suggested we got out for a meal the next night when he got back home, and I said that would be lovely.
I spent my birthday on my own as it was too short notice to do anything with friends as they were all working. It was an OK day, I'm quite happy on my own, but... it was my birthday.
He came home in the evening, said he wasn't very well and went to bed. I was so fed up, but kept it to myself. Of course he couldn't help feeling ill, but the sheer disorganisation of it all was really starting to get to me.
Here's the thing. He knows that to me, my birthday is very important. He knows it's the one day of the year that I would like a little bit of a fuss to be made. I know he couldn't help the timing of the course, I know he couldn't help being ill. I am just so frustrated that he seems incapable of putting in a bit of effort - like phoning the hotel in advance without being asked to check if the room was shared or for him alone, of taking a bit of initiative. After all, it was him that suggested I could stay with him overnight in London - I wouldn't have asked for the hotel stay as it was his work training course.
To cap it all off, since I had a feeling that the meal out after he came back from London had a chance of not happening, I had bought nice food and wine to have at home. we finally ate it on the Saturday night before he went to work (he works night shifts) but only because I cooked it. Left to him, it would still be in the fridge. He knew it was my birthday meal because he raised his glass and said 'belated happy birthday' - but at no point did he acknowledge that I had had to make my own birthday meal.
I'm not hard work (I don't think). I don't expect or ask for flowers and gifts and evenings out all the time. It's just once a year, I'd like to feel special. It's not as if he is in the dark about this - I've told him very plainly that birthdays are special to me and I like to be treated well on this one day.
He did say 'I wish I'd planned this better' - but I'm finding that hard to believe now because it seems to be a repeat performance for a lot of things. For example, it's a constant surprise to him that I get home from work at around 7.30pm each night and if I'm not cooking (and I do most of it because he works night shifts), he needs to have food planned. We end up eating at 10pm very often because he's suddenly realised the time, that he needs to cook something and I hate it (and he knows this too). He apologises that we're eating so late and I'm gritting my teeth and thinking 'well be a bit more fucking organised then'.
I'm starting to resent him and I really don't want to. Am I being demanding? How can I deal with this (either by changing my reaction or addressing his approach with him in a clear but kind way)?
I know he's not bothered about his own birthday, although I have always got him good gifts, taken him out for meals and generally pampered him. It's almost as if, because certain things aren't an issue for him, he can't understand or take on board that they might be an issue for me, even if I've told him. He doesn't seem to feel hunger, so he can quite easily get up at 5pm, not eat anything before work and then not eat whilst he is at work until 3am.
I am at my wits end. It's not the birthday per se that is bothering me, I think it's just the constant repetition of what comes across as 'can't be arsed-ness'. He's bloody organised and efficient at work, so he can do it.
Can any one of you lovely ladies help?