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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Silence is deafening

37 replies

KC11 · 10/09/2017 21:54

I'm being ignored by my DH. It's been over a week now.He has avoided being home when I'm there. If I text him he mostly ignores it. Or answers 12 hours later. He is sleeping on the sofa. His choosing. He knows it annoys me. When he leaves for work he leaves curtains closed in the lounge/temporary bedroom. I messaged him earlier to say we need to call it a day on our marriage. It has come to that. 10 hours later he comes home and ignores me.He has not texted me nor acknowledged what I texted. We've had a rocky marriage over the last 7 years. I still hold out hope that we can survive this current problem. I can't communicate with him and I want him to show some feelings.He's switched out of our relationship. I'm left hanging.

OP posts:

LellyMcKelly · 10/09/2017 22:08

Pack his bags and drop them to his mums or mates. He's being controlling and manipulative. Nobody needs that shit in their lives.

Original poster

KC11 · 10/09/2017 22:17

We've both got blame for our situation. I do think he wants me to make the decision for him. Would he play the victim ? You bet.

I've mentioned in past about me leavi g home but the legal advice I got was to stay put unless there is violence. There's is no violence.Just emotional abuse. He threatened to overdose and was stashing paracetamol. I saw that the tablets had disappeared from the drawer.I checked his work bag and found them.

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bigbluedustbin · 10/09/2017 22:22

Why is he ignoring you? Did you have an argument?

I couldn't put up with that kind of childish behaviour.

QuiteLikely5 · 10/09/2017 22:24

There is little point in trying to change him.

He is mentally torturing you by keeping quiet.

Are there children?

Tell him you want to put the house up for sale or ask if he wants to buy you out?

No house is worth enduring him for

And no man is worth this amount of misery

NYConcreteJungle · 10/09/2017 22:25

Send his belongings to his parents, that's where children go.

mineofuselessinformation · 10/09/2017 22:26

See a solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

C0untDucku1a · 10/09/2017 22:27

Whats your plan? Can you buy him out or will you need to sell the house? If the latter id just put it on the market now. That will send a clear message at least:

ShreddieTuesday · 10/09/2017 22:42

Lots of men threaten suicide, mine did. It's all BS - lashing out & the last vestiges of their 'control'. Ducks in a row time, copy all paperwork and then visit a SHL.

Original poster

KC11 · 10/09/2017 22:45

We don't have children.
I believe he would try suicide if I leave. I probably can't afford to buy him out. He probably could buy me out but he'll say he paid for this and that etc and he'll try to string the whole thing out. We have some equity and I was advised by solicitor that we'd be likely to have 50 50 split as we've been married a long time. He earns good money. Much more than me. I love him and wanted to to spend my whole life with him. More and more he is shutting me out. I think he has depression. He's getting more and more silent and immersed in his phone and TV box sets til early hours. He is not eating properly or drinking anything other than fizzy drinks. The food in the fridge and cupboards is untouched.

We had argued over the state of the house and his non involvement to improve the state of it. Back story: DH started renovating but stopped part way and has left tools and materials all over the place for months on end.

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Original poster

KC11 · 10/09/2017 22:48

A few days ago I got up for work and thought he was in house. I could not find him upstairs and was scared in case I found him hanging from the banisters. Makes me cry right now just remembering the feelings that morning. He had gone out to work.

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sushiwushi · 10/09/2017 22:50

It's a real hard one. Because you love him and if he is suffering with depression do you think you want to see him through that?

I guess what I am trying to ask is the depression making him that way, or is he like that anyway?

If he's like it anyway then think about planning to move on and live your life. You will be happier.

If he is going through a hard time and you want to support him through that because you know that aside it is a great relationship then stand by him with the hope that with professional support and your support he will come out the other side.

sushiwushi · 10/09/2017 22:51

I have had a couple of wines and that was a bit mumbled

Original poster

KC11 · 10/09/2017 22:58

DMIL is ill and has been for quite some time. It's caused tensions between DH, BIL and SIL. DMIL has had hospital stays a plenty.I've visited her regularly but now DH is ignoring me I feel I should jot visit thd hospital at I don't want to stress her or upset her. She has been a pretty good MIL to me for a long time. She'd probably be upset to know how bad our marriage has got.

I don't know how I get DH to see a doctor. He will brush it off and say I'd overreacted.

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Original poster

KC11 · 10/09/2017 23:04

sushi good for you. I would have had a glass but I have work tomorrow and wine makes me sleep too heavily. Had a large glass Friday night though. Cheers!

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Gooseberrytart4 · 10/09/2017 23:06

I think you should start talking to his siblings about his depression and refusal to see the GP

Original poster

KC11 · 10/09/2017 23:23

BIL is a head in sand person. He would not be any help.

SIL does not understand and thinks I'm the problem. She has dysfunctional relationship and is accepting of this type of treatment from her DP. I guess I could try DHs mate.

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MiniMum97 · 10/09/2017 23:25

He sounds quite seriously depressed. Do you think you could persuade him to go to the GP with you? You can then tell the GP what has been happening even if he underplays it. Stick to the facts - he's not eating anything but fizzy drinks, won't talk to me for days on end, stays up late/won't go to bed etc etc I am sure you have plenty of other examples. Could you lay out these examples to your husband? Might he listen if you put it in writing?

If he won't go to GP is their someone else he will listen to? His mum? Siblings? You need to get others involved who might be able to help him see he needs help.

Ultimately though he needs to help himself. You can't make him get help. You probably have to prepare yourself for the fact that you may have to issue him with an ultimatum ie I can't go on living like this, you must get help or I will have to end the relationship. And you may have to follow through on this. You do need to think of yourself and your own mental well-being too. If you are struggling you could go to your GP too and see if they are able to support you. Mind, Sane and Carers Uk amy also be good places to contact to see if you can get some support.

It must be so hard living like this. I really feel for you. Take care

Original poster

KC11 · 10/09/2017 23:39

Thank you minime. He shuts down rather than talk. I need to get him help. And I will. Thank you for listening.

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Hermonie2016 · 10/09/2017 23:51

How old are you both?
Does he seem to function in work?

Firstly I would recommend you don't try and engage with him anymore.If he wants to talk he will and if he's stonewalling you then he isn't going to get the payoff..which is seeing you stressing/threatening to end the marriage but still hanging around.

Stop focussing on him.Start to think of your life, is it really what you want? A man who doesn't or can't communicate with you?

After prioritising yourself then think about next steps.If it's separation what can you do to make it easier on yourself? Where could you live if you had 50% equity?

I suspect it's not depression just the way he is.

Original poster

KC11 · 11/09/2017 18:02

Hi. We are both in our 40s.

He works a job where he has hardly any communication with people. Can't say what as it could identify him. Let's just say that he likes the fact he doesn't have to speak much at work.

Last night (after this thread) I calmly walked into the lounge where he now sleeps and i asked if he thinks ignoring me achieves anything.I was calm and rational and suggested he think about buying me out of the house as I am not prepared to be ignored any more.I actually got a little bit of eye contact rather than him staring at the TV. I stayed really calm. I think that made him realise i was not cross just accepting the reality of the separation about to happen. I know he doesn't want me he just doesn't want to make a decision.I have to change the situation somehow. I've checked website to see how much a flat would cost me to buy and I'll do some sums. A work colleague is pretty good to talk to and she separated from her husband couple of years ago. She is a good listener and i think she'll guide and support me. If i were to receive 50% equity from the house and get a mortgage on my own I think it can be done.I've never lived alone or even travelled alone so it is bit scary. I lay in bed last night relieved that I spoke to him about the situation. Part of me wants to be with him and try to get through it with him and part of me wants a different existence.

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sushiwushi · 12/09/2017 19:49

Good for you for having the conversation, especially calmly.

How did he respond??

Original poster

KC11 · 12/09/2017 21:36

He kind of shrugged his shoulders and said he probably could not afford to buy me out.I asked if HD could look into if and he sort of agreed although I don't think he will look into it. He has avoided me since Sunday night. No talking at all.

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Original poster

KC11 · 12/09/2017 21:38

he not HD

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sushiwushi · 12/09/2017 21:48

Do you think he thinks you are making empty threats? Does he understand you are serious?
I hope you are okay, it is a shit situation to be in, you deserve so much more

Original poster

KC11 · 13/09/2017 13:37

I'm reluctant to take action yet in case he wants to try to resolve our marriage problems. I want to resolve the problems if he does too.

We have not spoken since Sunday night (almost midnight). I am doing my exercise class tonight as it helps me keep sane. After the class I'll try to speak to him again. Like my original post says the 'silence is deafening'. If he was out of the house I would not feel it. When he is in the house it gets uncomfortable.

I'm at work now having lunchbreak. I am tempted to text him although I don't know what I'd text but none answered texts wind me up because he'll ignore that as well.

Do you think it worth me suggesting us both going to counselling again?

I think he is mildly depressed. Nothing that could not be sorted out.

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