Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling with the way dh talks to me

29 replies

CockPissPigeon · 10/09/2017 21:29

For a while now I've felt that a lot of the thing dh says to me make me feel, not mad exactly, but a bit forgetful. I've only noticed this in the last few months. It seems to have totally wrong footed me and it's hard to explain.

Here is the latest example. Dh goes to put the bin out and replaces it with another one. I say 'ooh that reminds me I need to put bin bags on the shopping list because that's the last one left.'
Dh replies 'no it's not, there's loads left.'
I say 'are you sure? That's odd I definitely remember there only being one left when I changed the bin the other day.'
Dh says 'well I'm looking at them right now and it looks like a whole roll and a spare one.'
Fair enough, but it bothers me for a few hours as I remember there only being one left. I look in the cupboard and sure enough there's two full rolls. But from the shop dh stops at on way home from work, not the one I do the big shop at. I ask dh why he didn't just tell me he'd bought two more rolls. He looks at me as if I'm bonkers and says I hadn't asked him if he'd bought new ones, just if there are any left.

I know it's a small thing, but it is constantly things like this. Is that a normal way to discuss a completely inane thing? It's crazy but I don't really speak to many people other than dh and I'm starting to feel as if I'm going mad.

OP posts:
user1480334601 · 10/09/2017 21:33

His way of speaking is odd. I'd have said "no its not the last one I bought some"

I suppose he's speaking factually but not very helpfully

Shoxfordian · 10/09/2017 21:33

It's called gaslighting and it's not acceptable

Have a google

Anon171175 · 10/09/2017 21:35

This does sound a bit odd. If my partner said "I must buy bin bags" and I had just bought some, I would more likely say "I got some yesterday", I would just say "there is a whole roll".
Have you questioned him about this? Has he been doing this for a while? What other examples do you have.
If it was just this one comment, i wouldn't give it much thought, but if he is doing this all the time its a bit worrying.

MiaD13 · 10/09/2017 21:38

Gaslighting for sure

An ex of mine was awful for it they do it to feel superior and make you feel like you're losing it

Not very nice at all - you can research all about it

Original poster
CockPissPigeon · 10/09/2017 22:04

I've just googled gaslighting and that's exactly what it sounds like.

I can't really think of any other specific examples because they all sound so petty. Another thing he does is too apparently constantly not hear me. I'll ask him a question and he won't react in any way at all, no glancing up, nothing. Then I'll say 'dh name' to try and get his attention and again nothing. I'll then raise my voice or ask again in an exasperated way and he'll say I'm always being hostile him and completely deny having heard me. I would wonder if he has hearing problems but he never does it to anyone else.

OP posts:
ferriswheel · 10/09/2017 22:23

Read Pat Cravens 'Living with the Dominator' then book an appointment with a solicitor. Sorry.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2017 22:29

His way of "communicating" is definitely worrisome. He is absolutely gaslighting you, and you need to figure out why. Is he abusive in other ways? Do you think he would be willing to go to couple's counseling, because you simply cannot live this way, being made to feel crazy from what should be simple conversations.

Seeingadistance · 10/09/2017 22:34

The not responding thing is something that my ex used to do. I'd make a comment or ask a question and get nothing back - not a movement, not a murmur, not a blink, nothing. So, I'd say again, a little louder, still nothing, until I was almost shouting and then I was the bad one because I was yelling at him!

thisisgettingridiculous · 10/09/2017 22:38

My dad did this / does this. it's absolutely horrendous and is intended to undermine and belittle / humiliate you and make you question your own sanity. I'm only just beginning to recover from growing up with this and I'm mid thirties.

TimingIsEverything · 10/09/2017 22:42

Why didn't he say "I've bought a couple of rolls".
Very strange

Notmyrealname85 · 10/09/2017 22:55

Ok so... looking back on past experience I found ex gaslighted me on the small petty things exactly because that is what makes you look more mental

Firstly - you don't notice the comments on smaller things (bin bags etc) and how he many comments on these smaller everyday things he can make before you realise you feel a bit unstable

Secondly, because you complaining about him making comments about the smaller things does make you feel more unstable when you start to realise what he might be doing. They're such small things, why should it bother you - bin bags etc aren't of massive importance in theory. And how do you remember all of the comments he makes when they're about such everyday things - nothing outstandingly obvious/memorable. It's a horrid trick

wobblywonderwoman · 10/09/2017 22:57

I would have said to him that he was wierd. But I wouldnt feel comfortable at all

Hermonie2016 · 10/09/2017 22:59

Does he do this with anyone else? It could be he's just factual but he could be withholding so that he feels more in control.

At best it's really not helpful at worse he is deliberately withholding.

How is the relationship generally? How does he handle your feedback?

Blossomflowers · 11/09/2017 10:56

It is called gaslighting, my partner is an expert. Poor you

babayjane67 · 11/09/2017 11:35

I could have written this!
My dp is very similar to yrs.will tell me something then if/when I bring it up again a few wks or months later he will say something completely different& deny he ever said anything else!
He always has to be right& will argue blacks white!never apologises when he's found to be wrong& I'm right.doesn't often say thanks for anything.
Always works harder than anyone else at work.they're all in his words lazy bastards!
It's very tough as we've been together 10 yrs& we have an 8 yr old dd who's a real daddy's girl.

timeisnotaline · 11/09/2017 11:42

I'm not sure it's gaslighting. It is annoyingly factual though. Could you try asking the follow up question 'oh did you buy bin bags then?' And always add I don't know why you didn't just say so, is it that hard? are you trying to make communicating difficult? He does sound very annoying and I would really push back on the comms style by giving him stupid answers to questions in the same style he does. Eg dinner is at 8... but I'd be talking about tomorrow night , today's was at 6 and he misses it. Oh sorry honey you didn't ask about tonight specifically. It is annoying isn't it!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 11/09/2017 11:58

It is gaslighting. I don't think it's worth spending much time at the moment on thinking about why he does it - he probably doesn't know himself.

For your own mental health I think you should leave.

Manclife · 11/09/2017 12:13

Gas lighting is when some acts that way hoping to make people question their own memory, perception, and sanity.

Sounds more like just shite communication rather than a deliberate act to mess with your head.

NoSquirrels · 11/09/2017 12:20

My DH would have said "oh, I bought a whole roll the other day", so I wouldn't need to do any investigative work on which shop the new rolls came from.

But, in isolation I wouldn't say it was necessarily gas lighting. Could have been just an annoying conversation for many reasons.

But if there is a pattern, notice it. And pull him up on it. The most concerning thing about your post to me is that you say you don't really have much contact with others just DH.

TrailingWife · 11/09/2017 12:49

I suggest reading "Why Does He Do That" by Bancoft. Don't let him know you are reading it. Hide is somewhere (you can put decorative duck tape over the cover so it looks like a journal). Parts of the book won't apply, but other parts will.

It could help you make sense of what is happening in your relationship. It really sounds like he is messing with your head.

The other option is something like high functioning autism, but that would show in problems in conversations with others as well as problems in conversations with you. If this behavior happens only with YOU, its a relationship problem.

Also, why don't you speak to many people other than your DH?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/09/2017 13:03

CPP

I question why you are with this person at all. He is absolutely gaslighting you and you have yourself stated that you recognise his behaviour as gaslighting.

Womens Aid are also worth contacting in your case as well to talk this through with them.

ChicRock · 11/09/2017 13:13

My dad does this to my mum. It's gas lighting and it's abusive.

Examples exactly like the one you've given.

He messes with her head with regards to dates and times too - will swear blind he told her a certain time when he told her an hour different.

It got to the point where I started to feel concerned she was getting early dementia, she's only 63 and She's taken to writing everything down on a calendar.

And I don't/won't pass on any messages to her via my dad. Even caught him out deleting a text I sent to her before she'd read it.

I'm sure you haven't posted based on just this one incident, I'll bet there's loads of examples you can come up with. In the case of my parents it's all little stuff but when you add it up, if you didn't know my dad was doing it, my mum looks to outsiders like she's losing the plot.

notarehearsal · 11/09/2017 13:28

Another one to say gas lighting. It's more than poor communication

Original poster
CockPissPigeon · 11/09/2017 13:55

I'm with him because we have 2 small dc's, I'm dc1's carer, I have no job and I have nowhere else to go.

A few weeks ago I came to the almost certain conclusion he is having an affair. In my head I decided that, for now, I can cope with that. He is kind to me and loves the dc's very much. I may feel up to leaving at some point but not now. He doesn't know that I know he's having an affair.

It's not just about bloody bin bags. That was just the most recent example. It's difficult to explain because it was only yesterday I thought I'm going to really listen to what you say and how it makes me feel. I hadn't been keeping track of every example, that's just the only one I notice. But it's constant.

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 11/09/2017 14:24

Woah- you think he's having an affair?! You seem so so downtrodden op.