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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need to tell him it's over

53 replies

Fenellapitstop · 10/09/2017 21:00

We have been married for 17 years. In that time he has accused me of cheating, repeatedly called me a cunt, tried to make me hit him so I'd lose my job, told people I was trying to kill myself when I wasn't, again to discredit me at work, belittled me, has been unwilling to support me when I've had horrible things happen, he has been aggressive towards me and our son as well. When friends visit me he stays in the room the whole time. He will cause a scene if we do anything that isn't about him. He's now on the verge of losing his job again. This time I can't help him. He is unable to tell the truth. His behaviour has been so difficult I believed he was mentally ill, I took him to the gp and he just said he was passive aggressive and a problematic personality. I can't face another 40 years of this. I've decided that I can't do this anymore and he will have to move out. I need to protect the children and I want to be happy again. My problem is I'm worried about how he will react. He is a vindictive character, as are his parents. They went to the trouble of photo shopping his exwife out of all photos they had and flew to Germany where he was living at the time to removal everything they could from their flat. They gave us the deposit on our house. I have started sorting myself out, I've changed some pin codes, I have an email address of my own for the first time ever and I'm going to set up my own bank account tomorrow. I know I'm being a smudge vague but he sometimes checks if I still post on here. Any ideas on how to do this?

OP posts:

Original poster

Fenellapitstop · 16/09/2017 12:53

He's started telling people around us that we are splitting up. I've put the birth certificates, marriage certificate and passports in my bag and I'm taking them to work with me tonight to put in my locker. I'm struggling to sell my lovely 2seat car but I know she needs to go due to practicality. I'm just at the stage of wanting it over with. I'm very worried about how his hearing will go, I know he's going to lose his job, it will be in the public domain, I do the same job and have his name. It's just mortifying. I'm worried about our children, the house feels better when he's out, just so much calmer but I know that it is going to be a struggle

OP posts:

EmeraldIsle100 · 16/09/2017 13:46

I know this is a very worrying time for you, I'very been in your shoes. I know it is hard but congratulate yourself for making the decision, that was incredibly brave of you.

In your post you express a lot of concern for him. Stop that now and start to focus on yourself and the DC only. So he will lose his job and people will know, that news will pass. People are more interested in their own problems.

Do see a solicitor to see how you will stand and don't delay.

You have started the process, congratulate yourself and start to look forward to the future knowing you dont have to put up with him forever. You have so much to look forward to, life can be really nice.

I am not trying to make it sound easy, it will be tough at times. Myself and countless women have left and yes, it was hard but it was worth it to get away from the misery of being with him. Your DC will be relieved once the dust settles.

Women's Aid helped me enormously and I recommend you contact them.

Lift yourself out of the fear and focus on the lovely life ahead of you. You can change your approach to this. I look forward to your posts saying you are free of him.

Original poster

Fenellapitstop · 19/09/2017 10:29

I've told him this morning. It was very calm, he agreed we weren't working and that he had been treating me badly. I know this is going to be hard work but it will be worth it

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 19/09/2017 13:34

Please do contact Womens Aid as well.
They can help you with many aspects.
Finding a local solicitor who deals with abusive assholes for eg.!
Worth seeing what they can do for you.
Well done on the steps you've taken so far.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
File for divorce asap and get your maiden name back!

EmeraldIsle100 · 20/09/2017 00:06

That's good news. You can do it! All the best.

SweetLuck · 20/09/2017 00:15

That's great that he's accepted it. Have you discussed next steps?

Original poster

Fenellapitstop · 20/09/2017 08:12

He's agreed to move out by the end of October, he's also agreed that I can stay in the house with the children. Only got that far which is not bad

OP posts:

Original poster

Fenellapitstop · 24/09/2017 11:54

So, I'm at work today doing overtime, he's been off now 3 months. I'm pretty tired as this is my 6th shift in a row. My bank account is up and running, my car is being advertised, I've found a car I like, all of the bills for the house are now in my name. He's taken me off the joint accounts. He's finally deigned to tell me how much he's put into his isa. He started crying last night as he was going to miss our dd, I was very reserved and did not tell him that this could have been avoided if he'd just not acted like a twat. He then announced that he wants to take her to Disneyland before she gets much older. Lovely, he's been doing all the fun stuff while I work now he wants to do that too. I know I am just feeling resentful as I'm always working and he's had 3 months of the park, the zoo, play dates while shovelling sweets and cakes down her throats and when she's with me I'm trying to calm it down. He's now in a foul mood as if he's radiating anger. I can't wait till he leaves

OP posts:

Original poster

Fenellapitstop · 24/09/2017 16:52

So, came home from work, he's not shut the dog in the crate so she's eaten some of her dry food, smashed a friends birthday present. I've found a smashed plate from my dinner service in the bin. I've just been out to check on my car, he's left the choke out flooding her engine, she won't start at all, I'm so pissed off with him

OP posts:

Blanca87 · 24/09/2017 17:18

Do not let him take your daughter to Disneyland. He is a fucking psychopath. Please keep yourself safe. x

RandomMess · 24/09/2017 17:20

Please speak to Woman's Aid I have a feeling he is going to get nasty you may need to get him out of the house using legal means.

If he starts being threatening/intimidating please call the police

SendintheArdwolves · 24/09/2017 21:37

He has no intention of moving out at the end of october.

He has agreed to the split in principle but nothing has actually changed, has it - you still work and bankroll him, you still live together, etc. I'm willing to bet that as the leaving date draws closer, he will suddenly change his mind and say you should be the one to go.or will stall by insisting you buy him out of the house/claiming he has nowhere to go/faking a nervous breakdown or other illness, etc.

Why was October decided as the time he would leave? What's the holdup?

Original poster

Fenellapitstop · 24/09/2017 21:55

He's due to lose his job this week at a public hearing, he has a new one lined up to start in a week. I suggested the end of October so that he has his wages sorted before he gets a place to avoid any excuses. I will not let him stay past then

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 24/09/2017 22:39

I do worry that this guy is way ahead of you OP..

Original poster

Fenellapitstop · 02/10/2017 10:09

He's been looking at flats and started his new job today. He was allowed to resign from the job we both do with immediate effect rather than go through the hearing. I feel like he has got away with it as what he did was reprehensible. At least I've avoided press interest from it. He's invited his parents for the next 2 nights. I can't stand them, I feel like I'm judged by them all the time. They've said to me I should have tried harder. Not sure how much harder I could have tried. I'm not cleaning the house or preparing for their visit like I normally would, I don't want him to be comfortable. I'm having to move team at work, first shift today, I'm just not up to new people.

OP posts:

rizlett · 02/10/2017 10:55

Time to keep disconnecting yourself from him and his family op. Well done on deciding not to clean up for them all. Switch off any responses to what they say if you can. Let it all fall to the floor like water off a ducks back.

Every day is a step closer to you being free.

Hope your shift is better than you think it might be.

Gemini69 · 02/10/2017 11:24

are the parents coming to clear your house OP ?

Original poster

Fenellapitstop · 02/10/2017 12:21

I don't think they're coming to clear the house. Most of it was paid for on my card. Apparently they're helping with childcare

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Gemini69 · 02/10/2017 20:43

just when you mentioned they had done the same thing a previous partner.. I doubt ownership would mean that much to them...

SouthWindsWesterly · 05/10/2017 11:42

Did you get him to transfer back your inheritance OP?

Original poster

Fenellapitstop · 05/10/2017 11:47

The inlaws have left, nothing appears to be missing. He hasn't transferred the remnant of my inheritance back to me, I'm not hopeful, I'm at the stage of just wanting him out now

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Original poster

Fenellapitstop · 14/10/2017 19:21

I have just thrown him out as he hit our ds over a mobile phone bill. He's a dick head. I've had to tell my colleagues as my ds ran off and I was worried about him. Half expecting a visit from them tonight which will be horrific, I'm a pc, they already know about his misconduct. It's just horrible and embarrassing, I've had a letter already from socservs over the verbal abuse. My ds is angry at me for kicking his df out and my dd is upset because she saw it all

OP posts:

LucieLucie · 14/10/2017 19:41

So sorry to read what you’re going through and understand how it’s even more difficult for you as your forced to involve your colleagues as you’re in the job.

Is there a family support unit you can get some help from? Or welfare officer?

Get a SHL and see if your inheritance can be taken back from his share of the house sale.

Your life will improve massively when you get through this horrible time.

Original poster

Fenellapitstop · 14/10/2017 20:33

Welfare are involved. I'm supposed to come and fix it for victims of abuse and I've allowed it in my home. At work I'm bolshy and In charge. At home I've been a total doormat

OP posts:

Original poster

Fenellapitstop · 15/10/2017 08:52

He's coming back this morning to collect more of his stuff. I've told him any emotional blackmail shit and he's leaving straight away. Kids seem ok today. I've text his mother what's happened as he's generally very thin with the truth there too. I did speak to him last night and got the emotional crying and 'don't worry about me, I'm safe' line

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