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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Break up with DP - angry with myself mostly...

37 replies

Borninatrap · 10/09/2017 16:57

Yesterday my DC's and I went out with my DP of two years. I don't live with him so he met us there. He proceeded to get in a right grump because he got wet and my DS (9) was being difficult because he had played 3 hours of football in the morning, we had to walk quite far to the place we were visiting and we hadn't had lunch. The walk back DS was whiny because he was tired and hungry. DP shouted at him in public. He was short with DD (6) too because she adores him so was hassling him a bit.

We got food and DS was fine. DP refused to get food (but I bought him a beer to try cheer him up) and kept going on about being cold. We got to the train station to get the train back to mine as had been arranged and he just turned round last minute and said he was going back to his house because he felt ill. I walked off and got on the train home with my DC's. Something snapped in me and I sent him a message to say we were done and blocked his number and on FB.

Over the last two years we have had various issues with his ex, his appalling way with money (I was constantly having to bail him out financially) and he kept saying he would move in but did fuck all about it. There have been issues sexually too (ED), he was addicted to weed but gave it up after I gave him an ultimatum.

I'm angry with myself because I haven't handled the break up well at all have I? Blocking him was really immature and I feel like by losing it I haven't done the right thing and have an adult conversation. It was mainly the way he was with the DC's that made me snap. This is a new thing for him, he was kind and patient with them up until recently. I have tried and tried to keep us going but there has just been so many issues. I'm angry with myself because once again I'm the one who ends up hurt and upset. I really put myself back together after domestic violence in my marriage but once again I feel trampled on and used. He has made no attempt to contact me, he could if he really wanted get through to me but he's obviously not that bothered Sad. I don't know why I am writing this post? Feel a bit lost and confused...

OP posts:
Cambionome · 10/09/2017 17:02

You've tried and tried and it hasn't worked. You've done your absolute best to keep everything going, but what has he done?

Maybe you haven't gone the best way about it, but it sounds as if you've made the right decision. Don't be too hard on yourself, you've been strong for your own sake and for the sake of your dc. Flowers

Original poster
Borninatrap · 10/09/2017 17:07

He hasn't done much tbh Sad. He didn't even take the picture of his ex down from his living room walls (I told him I thought it was a bit crap) so even though I don't want it to be true, it seems like once again my terrible taste in men has won the day. Again. In the beginning he seemed so lovely.

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 10/09/2017 17:09

They all seem lovely in the beginning when they are making more effort. Sounds like you have dodged a bullet here.

QuiteLikely5 · 10/09/2017 17:12

He wouldn't take the picture down from his ex?

That is outrageous and the fact you allowed it demonstrates a lack of self respect.

Move on. There is nothing left to say.

He was nice in the beginning? They all are!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/09/2017 17:14

Stop with the flogging of this dead horse now. You cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want to be saved; you cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship. What has he ever done to keep the relationship going; its been beset with problems from the early days and all are of his doing too.

Issues with ex's, crap with money, ED, weed usage are all red flags flying in the wind. Thank goodness he never moved in with you however. He was and is a cocklodger who used you, saw you as a soft touch and targeted you to boot as a single mother. He also likely thought that you were probably so desperate for any male relationship that you would put up with anything. You bailing him out did not help him or you for that matter because that enabling of him gave you a false sense of control.

Keep this individual blocked; he was no good for you or your children. It may well be that you went from one abusive relationship to yet another one in the shape of this man. Good on you for blocking him now; he is an appalling example of a potential stepfather to them as well. They need to be taught positive lessons about relationships?.

If you have not completed the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid, I would suggest you do this as a matter of course. It is for those who have been in abusive relationships. You mention domestic violence in a previous marriage and that in itself would have thrown your boundaries out of kilter in any case.

Love your own self for a change OP and raise your relationship bar far higher in future. Do not embark on any further relationships till you have properly addressed why you put up with this individual for as long as you did.

GladAllOver · 10/09/2017 17:15

Congratulations on ending a pointless relationship. Time to move on.

AlternativeTentacle · 10/09/2017 17:16

The only mistake you made was to waste good money on a beer for him. Don't lose any sleep over this twat love.

Original poster
Borninatrap · 10/09/2017 17:17

I know, I know Quitelikely but he swung it that she was his BF Hmm She pops in all the time (she's his neighbour) and still co owns the house so I didn't feel like I could demand it.

I will move on but this is still quite fresh and I just wanted to sound off on MN as I haven't seen another adult to talk to today.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/09/2017 17:17

Address why you have a terrible taste in men and do that through counselling if necessary. It may well have started in your own childhood, what sort of a relationship example did your own parents show you?. All that needs careful consideration along with working on your own boundaries in relationships.

TwitterQueen1 · 10/09/2017 17:18

For the second time today (different thread) I'm going to ask what is the point of all this? You're in a relationship that is clearly totally unsatisfactory sexually, emotionally and financially and you're not sure if you want to end it??!!!!

How would you benefit from continuing this relationship?

Original poster
Borninatrap · 10/09/2017 17:22

Attila this one didn't break my jaw or my ribs or sexually assault me so I thought he was actually quite a good partner to start with but emotionally it has been hard on me. I never felt unsafe physically but I never felt on firm ground.

The stupid thing is, I am well educated and have a good, responsible job and I find it easy to see when others are being treated badly but as you all say, with myself my thresholds are very low. I said after my marriage I wouldn't have another relationship. I am resolute about that now.

OP posts:
Adviceplease360 · 10/09/2017 17:23

Be glad you didn't move in with him, if he can be so unkind to your kids living apart, he would abusive living with them

Original poster
Borninatrap · 10/09/2017 17:25

My childhood is probably the root problem. I was raped as a child repeatedly so I am not great at asserting myself or even knowing what my needs are tbh.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2017 17:29

You 100% made the right decision and I think you handled it perfectly. You deserve so much better and you just need to get him out of your life - quickly and permanently. Don't look back.

Original poster
Borninatrap · 10/09/2017 17:33

I have put all his stuff in my car and tomorrow I am starting my shift at 7am so I am going to put it on his doorstep, so we don't have to have any sort of conversation and I don't wobble.

I think this is the best way. Thanks everyone Flowers

OP posts:
Adviceplease360 · 10/09/2017 18:06

As aqua marine said

expatinscotland · 10/09/2017 18:15

Please, please, take a break from dating until you do the Freedom Programme and get some counselling. You don't owe this man anything, not an 'adult conversation' or a chat or anything. Stop focusing on the breakup (well done for getting rid of him) and focusing on how you can learn to spot red flags and improve your self-esteem and boundaries.

Original poster
Borninatrap · 11/09/2017 09:35

I dropped his stuff off this morning and he has gone mental.

Accused me of seeing someone else and saying I have engineered this because I didn't want to be with him. Feel awful.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 11/09/2017 09:47

Are you open to talking to him and explaining why you ended it? Perhaps that will give you both closure.

I also wouldn't be happy about pictures of the Ex.

Mary1935 · 11/09/2017 09:49

Don't engage with him any more - by dropping the stuff off you where looking for contact - continue to block and move forward - you have put a lot of work into this relationship and he did nothing - you have dodged a bullet - you left one abusive relationship and moved onto another (less abusive - but still abusive relationship)! - you are not answerable to him at all. You have done nothing wrong. Start reading the relationship boards more (this helped me to see what's acceptable and what's abusive) I took a lot of responsibility for things that were not mine - do the freedom programme - have therapy - don't go back - you will only get more of the same!!! I wish you well.

Hermonie2016 · 11/09/2017 09:54

You are not responsible for his response to you.
He could choose to react differently but He is angry that you have taken charge of your life and drawn a line when you and your children were not being treated well.

He never expected you to walk, he assumed you would tolerate his moods.Don't lose confidence, you did the right thing.Returning his stuff should not have caused him to get angry and his accusations are just because he can't take responsibility for his behaviour.His outbursts are more red flags.

Well done OP

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/09/2017 10:02

Please don't feel guilt, you are doing the right thing for yourself and your children.

saying I have engineered this because I didn't want to be with him

Absolute rubbish. He snapped at your kids, was a whiny little shit and sounds like a crap boyfriend anyway. He's just sore because he got dumped. He will get over it, and you will find someone much better who deserves you. Flowers

AlternativeTentacle · 11/09/2017 10:04

saying I have engineered this because I didn't want to be with him

Engineering him being a twat? Seriously, please do not get upset. Be glad that you saw sense and ended it.

Original poster
Borninatrap · 11/09/2017 10:31

I dropped his stuff off at 6.45am and was putting them in his outdoor shed, I didn't expect him to be up.

He was ranting that I can't expect to say what I want and the other person to not to get upset because of what I put in the message before I blocked him. And he said he has no idea why I would end it, he wasn't feeling well and he went home. That's it and I've over reacted.

I am just going to have to suck it up and try not to let it get to me. I don't think he'd accept that I've ended it because I feel used. He'd just think I've been dramatic so I'm not going to talk to him. It's pointless. He genuinely thinks he's done nothing wrong. A clean break is the only way Sad

OP posts:
Fecho · 11/09/2017 10:36

It's not just because you feel used though.

He snaps at your dc
He has pics of an ex up
He's moody
Bad with money