DC father tells kids "now it's time for me to really make mummy suffer"

[stirling]

Hope someone can offer advice,

Husband left 1.5 years ago, serial philanderer / social butterfly wanted to shed responsibility etc.
I've had very poor health for the past 5 years - neurological problems (brain haemorrhage) and recently severe urological problem. My body caved in most likely due to the stress of him being responsible for causing a most horrific burns accident (DD then 1, now scarred for life) and my discovering affairs in the plural.

I recently had e coli infection that became antibiotic resistant and was told could lead to sepsis / renal failure. Throughout, he was demanding that we instantly divorce and that I sell up our house (which my parents mostly paid for) and move into a flat with my 2 DC (11 and 9)

We came to an agreement a couple of months ago because he was pressuring me so much, that I'd give him my lifetime savings, he'd whittle down maintenance to 1/3 of his salary - and the house would be put into my name. Over the summer, I took my kids away, really relaxed and bladder felt better. I realised I didn't want to put myself into a vulnerable position - ie broke now but potentially far better off in the future.

So I told him I needed to fully recover (my solicitor said he's bullying, that I didn't have to do anything at all esp if ill, but that court could insist we split everything 50/50.

I told him 2 days ago that I couldn't give him my savings and that when DC older, we'd have to settle up then.

So he took my son out yesterday, and told him that now that mummy is stalling, it's time for him to toughen up and really make mummy suffer now. Planned to tell DD same thing today.

As if I haven't already suffered! I've been raising two children as I broken woman. I have no family, no support network, and I'm ill. DD who's 9 was shaking with fear last night. What if you die mummy? Ds asked asked if he should call childline. So heartbreaking. He's repeatedly called me a Witch, accused me of poisoning the kids against him and called me a c**t repeatedly in front of them.

Where on earth do I go from here? I'm genuinely ill, and beginning to wonder if I'll actually survive this.
Speaking to solicitor on Tuesday but wary, she's a very young girl. Clever, but not sure how experienced.

Thank you

Do the DC have anyone to talk to - at school or cafcass???

He is such an utter cruel bastard and it won't be long before the DC refuse to see him and will be old enough for their wishes to be taken into account.

Many thanks to both of you for replying.
Valid point Random - re counselling. I'm not sure what caffcass is but I'll Google it now.

Yes, I have thought about another solicitor and will perhaps ask about one within the same company, don't want to offend her though.

Many thanks

Hi Stirling - don't worry about offending the solicitor. If it helps, think of it that you're likely to be doing you both a favour (you'll get more experienced support and she'll learn from it professionally).

Definitely talk to someone at school to flag that the DC could do with some support or at least a listening ear.

Have you got any friends or colleagues you can see over the next few days, so that you're not completely alone?

Also I wonder if you are in Stirling (as in the city) - I'm nearby and want you to know that I'll be thinking of you

I would speak to the school in confidence and report what the DC have said to you and ask them if they can offer the DC any emotional support. Many schools in England have home/school support workers or other visitors to support children with this kind of issue.

You could actually argue that the fact your long term health is precarious as all the more reason to stay in the house as if you die prematurely it means that the DC can remain in it giving them more stability

He is hanging himself more and more...

Ltgreggs - thank you, I'm so touched. I live in London.

Randomess, I know that the school has a counsellor, I'll phone the welfare /medical officer tomorrow. I've been told to do that months ago by a friend - but it's as if my brain is stuck in quicksand. I'm not thinking clearly and it's all overwhelming. But I really appreciate the gentle reminder to organise counselling. Ds is about to turn 12, he's putting on a brave front but I see him hurting inside. He could do with it too.

I have good friends - mostly to talk to on the phone, as they don't live so close. But one or two here aswell.

I'll certainly ask her about another solicitor then.
Really appreciate the concern and advice.
Sadly, he is very much self assured, he knows the law better than I do because he's got a hot shot barrister friend, and another solicitor friend. He knows the court will just give him 50% of everything and he's being arrogant on that basis.

I'm trying so hard to keep the roof over our heads. Kids school is at the top of our road...

I think you also have to deal with your nerves, OP, because none of this is worth letting your health get even more affected. At least take lots of Vitamin B complex.

Another one here who thinks you'd get more than 50% if you've got the kids.
I've not heard of a single man getting 50 from a divorce vs mum who still has the kids. Especially as he's demonstrated what a twat he is, WRITE EVERYTHING HE DOES DOWN. (Date, time, what he's said and to whom etc).
As for the solicitor you can always ask for someone else from the same practice, I would say though I look very young (I'm short) I'm actually in my 30s and really know my onions professionally now.

{{{stirling}}}

no real advice, but PP seem to be on the ball with the legalities.
What a totally evil man!

just to say that I remember your story (accident, bastard DH...) but didn't realise your health had taken such a blow.
Please get as much support as you can, call those friends who live nearby, get support for the DCs from school etc.

Women's aid can give you advice on solicitors who are experienced in dealing with abusers. Give them a call
[ flowers]

Wishing you strength to deal with the bastard stbx, OP

Thank you once again everyone. Really touching to wake up to several supportive messages. Great suggestion re women's aid recommendations , I'll call them in a bit.

Taking vit b complex, and a whole host of other vitamins to try to stay well.

By the way, thanks for recommending caffcass - sounds just like what we need in our situation. I'm hoping this isn't going to have to go to court but who knows.

Actually I would go see your GP so it is in record quickly. "Ex has made threats against me to the DC, they are now frightened, what can I do to help them, I want them referred to CHAMs"

You need to be building a trail and banging on doors for help and protection.

If the DC don't want to see him, stop contact and let him take to court as caffcass will be involved and hopefully support the DC getting the level of contact they want.

Was your financial settlement negotiated by solicitors? Don't let him bully you into handing savings over if you don't have to. Talk to a solicitor.

Def stop contact until a judge deems him able to parent without damaging them further. . His open hatred towards you will go against him in court. Keep a detailed diary and make sure you put everything the dc say in it too.

Regarding your solicitor it is not uncommon to shift within a firm. Originally I had a solicitor who was excellent and conciliatory when Ex was playing fair. When Ex became adversarial the firm changed me to an excellent hardcore solicitor who kept Ex in his box.

Ok. This is the exact sort of guidance I was hoping for when I posted yesterday. Suggestions excellent - will book appt to see GP. Should have mentioned this to my urologist last week who said that despite being on a series of antibiotics for the last 5 months, I'll need to continue for another 3 - and that relaxation is essential to my recovery. I'll try to see him again too, get it in writing.

DC don't wish to see him at all, but DD has a soft spot for him and is prone to missing him once the abusive behaviour simmers down, DS on the other hand has complete aversion and has claimed on several occasions " he's not my father ".

The bit I find most scary is that he's screaming about me poisoning the children against him - completely negating any of his own appalling behaviour which he doesn't see at all. Complete narcissist.

Perhaps you could suggest that DD just sees him once a month or every 6 weeks for tea?

I would even use the phrase to cafcass that you strongly suspect he is narcissistic and you would like a MH assessment on him due to impact his behaviour has had on the DC.

Remember it's about the DC right to have a relationship with their father not the other way around. If DD would be happy with a few hours every 6 weeks only allow that. If he threatens court or doesn't turn up in a strop - bring it on!

Your DC sound afraid of him so I would make the decision on DD behalf that less contact is in her best interests if she isn't able to verbalise that herself.

Please don't go telling CAFCASS this armchair diagnosis. There are people out there with narcissistic personality disorder but that's a diagnosis for a psychiatrist not mumsnet.

Describe what he does, don't try to label it. CAFCASS will consider whether a psychiatric assessment is needed.

Seriously, you bandy words like "narcissist" or even worse "narc" about and you'll be in the heap marked "spiteful contact-saboteur" in no time at all.

Thanks MrsB - that's useful to know. I'll be careful about wording.

Random you're right, and that's why I think an outside organisation will be helpful - otherwise it'll come across as me being the villain as he's painting me to be. Need an official body to hear their thoughts and fears.

thinking maybe move this to relationships, you'll get a lot more help there. not saying that you havent already! but it all sounds horrific for you and your DC

Yes, maybe I should worriedrose..
Not sure how to move a thread but I'll figure it out.

Thanks