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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH storming off

45 replies

Anya2012 · 10/09/2017 08:51

Hi everyone. I'm newly married , less that two months actually. DH are already having lots of problems. Well after arguments he storms off and says he is going to sleep on the sofa all night. Which he has already done several times. However a couple of times over the last month he has stormed off whilst we've been driving somewhere. A couple of weeks ago he wanted me to drop him off at the station as I was on my way somewhere , he directed me to Hanger Lane roundabout. I went round the roundabout twice listening to him shouting at me that he's going to be late . There was no where safely to pull over to let him out. So he told me to continue driving on the a406 , I suggested stopping elsewhere and then he shouted out me ( very aggressively ) so I had to come off at the nearest exit at which point I had shouted back. He got out the car whilst it was still moving and slammed the door so hard I thought it would break. Then I didn't hear from him the rest of the day and he said we both need to respect each other more. I was really upset and left it at that. However now yesterday we were in the car and I was getting out to pop to marks and spencer. We were on a side street and the door was open and my legs were out, I was just checking I had my bank card and he shouted really aggressively at me to get out of the car bc he was on a double yellow. I felt so hurt the whole time. Then we were driving and I was being curt back after he'd been so rude and he didn't apologise we were arguing about it . All of a sudden he was raging, got out of the car , screaming and then punched the back window of the car really hard. Luckily it didn't break( he did break one a few years ago) and stormed off.
He refused to answer my calls , and then said he was going to go to his parents or get the keys to his house from the estate agent ( we are renting out his house soon). I said we could talk later but he refused . I had no idea where he went the rest of the day and then later he said he'd been with his friends and he wasn't coming back to my flat/our home ( where he has moved into after marriage) he stayed at his house .
Is this normal behaviour ? I feel really lonely and heart broken. Does this happen in other marriages ,? I would really appreciate your help and advise. There are other issues but I feel like I'll be going on and on . I know I've only talked about the negatives but we do love each other very much.

OP posts:
sonlypuppyfat · 10/09/2017 08:56

What a wanker, I'm sorry but why on earth did you marry him? Do you think he will get better, what will he be like when you have kids!

GlitterSparkles17 · 10/09/2017 08:56

No this isn't normal. But I think you know that anyway.

What would his reaction be if you tried to sit him down and talk about how unhappy you are right now?

His reactions seem really OTT has he always been such a hot head?

SmartyPants0 · 10/09/2017 08:59

How long was your engagement?
Is this new behaviour for him?
I think you know this isn't normal behaviour.

LEMtheoriginal · 10/09/2017 09:00

No this is not normal behaviour. You say the flat is your and he has his own house? Sorted - he can live there and you can file for divorce . You say he smashed a car window two years ago. Why are you still with him?

timeisnotaline · 10/09/2017 09:00

No it isn't normal. It's not your fault, and you can't fix him.

AlternativeTentacle · 10/09/2017 09:03

he did break one a few years ago

Did you know this before you married him?

You need to get him out of your flat, file for divorce, and never look back.

One day it is a window, next time it will be your face.

C0untDucku1a · 10/09/2017 09:04

I read up to just past the roundabout issue and thought he is training you. He is training you to not question him or anything he does so you dont get this reaction. He is training you to be abused.
Dont get pregnant.
Dont stay with him.
See you solicitor immediately to protect your home.

C0untDucku1a · 10/09/2017 09:07

Id even chance my arm and wuestion, after suh a short time of marriage, whether an annulment was possible. Was there any pressure AT ALL to marry?

number1wang · 10/09/2017 09:07

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number1wang · 10/09/2017 09:08

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Smeaton · 10/09/2017 09:08

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Namethecat · 10/09/2017 09:08

You have had these fallouts within the past few months of married life. Fast forward 2 years, 6 years, and beyond. Do you see life a bed of roses. I'm sorry to say but I do not see a happy life with this man. I'd get out now before you have to look back on your life with regret.

SisterhoodisPowerful · 10/09/2017 09:09

This isn't normal. It's domestic violence. He's using fear and threats of violence to control you. Men like this don't change. They just become more manipulative and violent.

You need to get safe. Please Reach out to Women's Aid or the National Domestic Violence helpline.

fusspot66 · 10/09/2017 09:26

He's showing you who he is now he thinks he has you trapped by marriage.
Run for the hills before he has you barefoot and pregnant

Xocaraic · 10/09/2017 09:52

Get onto your solicitor right away. You need to have this marriage dissolved or file for divorce. Run don't walk away. He wants you to fear him so he can be Alpha male.

ElspethFlashman · 10/09/2017 09:54

He is batshit. Absolutely dangerously batshit.

And he is going to hit you before your first anniversary.

Ladycremer · 10/09/2017 10:00

This isn't normal. It won't be long before he's punching you. This sounds like my 1st marriage. Run for the hills now as he's abusing you and you're already defending your relationship by saying it's loving most of the time.

Anya2012 · 10/09/2017 10:06

He broke the window of the flat I used to live in a few years ago and then we broke up for a year. We've been together since 2011 and then broke up for a year between 2015-2016. We got back together last year and got married. He has anger issues, he's telling me I have ( and I can get upset but a lot of times it can be in retaliation to how he's talking to me). I know he'll be back soon and he will tell me that it was me that made him angry and lose the plot.
I feel so sad everyone is asking me how married life is.

OP posts:
Anya2012 · 10/09/2017 10:09

He has never ever hit me though

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 10/09/2017 10:11

Hitting isnt the only way to abuse someone. He is still abusive. He is still violent.

C0untDucku1a · 10/09/2017 10:11

Phone womens aid before he gets home.

Smeaton · 10/09/2017 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anya2012 · 10/09/2017 10:15

I'm not generally scared of him. I don't not do things or anything like that. There was a time when it used to be a bit like that and I would be on eggshells but it was different when we got back together. I was only scared when he flipped yesterday. That doesn't happen often but seems to have done in the last couple of weeks. At that point I did feel scared

OP posts:
AufderAutobahn · 10/09/2017 10:28

Hi Anya. Everyone on here is right, he is abusive and uses his temper to control. I thought when you said you had just got married that his behaviour had changed after that - as abusers often become abusive after major changes in your relationship such as marriage or pregnancy, ie when they've "got" you. It sounds like he's always been that way with you though Sad. Does he lose his temper like that with others? Eg his boss? Or is it just you? Lundy Bancroft's book Why Do They Do That? addresses the whole "loss of control" myth quite nicely. People who behave like your husband often say they simply lost control but that's never the case, they want to exert authority and are quite capable of keeping their emotions in check when it suits them. One line in the book stood out forme: He doesn't have a problem with his anger, he has a problem with your anger, and tries to jam your anger back down your throat as you're not allowed to be cross with him. His reaction to you getting upset or retaliating demonstrates this - he tries to control you reaction and keep you in check. Your DH's comment about you both "needing to treat each other with more respect" is interesting. He's doing what most abusers do, transferring blame for his actions and trying to make out you're responsible too, which is not the case. There's only one thing you can do, now, and get the hell away from him. Please don't stay xxx

PopcornBits · 10/09/2017 10:32

This screams abusive behaviour and is not normal in any way shape or form.

Do not continue having a relationship with this man, it will get worse.