Mil doing strange things again, can't work the woman out.

[Chamonix1]

So we are due baby number 2 in Dec, mil and fil were happy (mil more so as fil couldn't get his head around anyone having more than 1 child!?)
Anyway, always had a fractured relationship with them, it's intense and seems to be fine when absolutely nothing is done that could possible offend or upset mil (it's very easy to do this, we had tears because we didn't look excited enough when we bumped into them for example).
They love dd (4) and often pester to take her, recently less so.
They usually like to see us a lot, again recently less so.
Yesterday they took daughter whilst we had a scan, they had asked to take her for the whole day and night, as dd would enjoy this we agreed and we got some boring adult life stuff sorted.
When we dropped dd off we were 15 minutes late as I was rushing family to a local airport and traffic was bad. We pulled onto the drive and they both came out and the following happened-

1. "we want to get out straight away before the weather turns we want to go on the kayak! And we are using our sons old life vest for your daughter.
2. where is our grandchilds first day at school photos (already told them they're on the big camera and not yet on the computer to send out)
3. (MIL) I've bought this book it's all about dressing daddy up in silly outfits, what I'm going to do is cross "Daddy" out and wrote "grandad".

This all sounds petty now I've written it. But considering we've been "told off" and "sat down" for pet talks about not greeting them properly when they arrive, had tears about not being included and pushing them out of our daughters life (she loves them so much, I honestly don't know how they think that's happened if we push them out) and had rage off fil in several occasions for upsetting mil for not being loving etc I can't believe they think it's fair to act like this.
This really is the tip of the iceberg I cannot go into all the detail I'd be here all year. If I'm honest, I've found mil's behaviour hugely toxic over 6 years and she's ramping herself up again just before new baby arrives. Like she did with dd and every special occasion.
The book thing has upset me and this husband so much. Can you imagine if I shoved a book under her nose "look this is a book all about Nana, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to cross "nana" out and write MUMMY"
Dd is having trouble adjusting already to the idea of a sibling and came home on Monday (after a day with these people) really angry and upset saying (for the first time) that we won't love her anymore and there's only time for the baby when it's here
She says a lot this week "daddy doesn't love Me" which is heartbreaking, he works away mon-fri so she sees very little of him.
Surely a sane Nana would encourage her granddaughter to love her daddy, not so strange things that would confuse and upset any 4 year old.
I really truly believe she is trying to turn our daughter on us, just as she accuses me of doing with her son.
I'm sad that we can't seem to manage a nice normal happy and healthy relationship with them but I'm fed up of jumping through hoops and trying to include them both as much as I can and make them feel special (they get invited to every single thing that dd is involved in, bought sentimental presents on those special occasions, messages replied to and pictures sent off dd between weekly visits etc and I try and show interest in them both). After yesterday it was clear I've done something to upset, mil made it very obvious and she had this nasty look on her face, proud of the thins she had just said that she knew would hurt.
This has turned into a huge ramble, I honestly don't know what it'll achieve but I needed to let it all out.
She sabotaged my last pregnancy and I can see her edging in again, it's just such a shame

Stuff them what is best for you, DD and DH? What is it like where he works?

You would move there because of the pull of housing/schools/career/shorter commute/ community.

Dd is having trouble adjusting already to the idea of a sibling and came home on Monday (after a day with these people) really angry and upset saying (for the first time) that we won't love her anymore and there's only time for the baby when it's here sad"

You realise that they have told her this ? They put those words into her head. That's emotional abuse.

You need boundaries. And you need to be blunt in laying them down. Call out every single incidence of poor behaviour as it happens. Go low contact.

Dh needs some coping mechanisms.

I assume your husband is also in his early-mid 20s. This would be a really good time to move to be closer his work, are you renting? Can you try & move so you are in a new home in time for your daughter to start the Spring term in a new school? A 5 hour daily commute is unsustainable, the cost to your relationship will be massive once you have a second child, let alone the fuel/ticket cost. It would also allow you to establish yourselves as an independent adult family unit.

That awful realisation that your mum and in laws are not the loving, lovely grandparents that you'd want them to be.

You can do this without them though. You can do it a whole lot better,vin fact as you'll be free to demonstrate to your DD that you have more than enough love for both her and a sibling, without any poison dripped in her ear.

Random
He works in central London. We've looked into Richmond and a few places but know nothing about living in London and the schools etc. It's a big leap and hard to work out where is good and where not so!

Big green
My husband turns 30 early next year.
We own our own house.
The commute is tough for us all and especially DH, I should imagine when baby arrives it'll be even more so.
As I've said we have looked into moving and become very overwhelmed / unsure where to start!

The statements that your DD has said, haven't been from her own feelings but that of what has been discussed with her when she visits the GPS house.

The best thing you could do is move as it will help to set boundaries....none of this 'dictating to you when/why/where'.

Not sure, why your DH thinks that they will win if you move. The ultimate winners will be you and your DH and being able to establish a functional dynamic in your own nuclear family.

Richmond is a great place to live with good schools but you need a fair sized budget to find a 3 bedroom house there, £600K-£2m. There are cheaper areas nearby like Brentford and Isleworth but public transport isn't as good. Budget, requirements etc & then one of the property search engines...

personal experience - develop an armoured shell to protect your daughter - you can do it. Mantra in the kitchen you repeat several times a day. Daughter and future sibling can make their own mind re contact with all these toxic relatives when they are older. NO 1:1 time for any of them. IGNORE them all.

If you are serious about moving in to London start a thread!

Set out what you need: which mainline station your H needs to Get to for work, whether you want a grammar system or a comprehensive one, what your total buying budget might be if you are happy disclosing that, and see what people say.