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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I stay out of my daughters life

34 replies

WorriedandExhausted · 09/09/2017 19:11

Hi Everyone

Never had a reason to join before now, but I figured out I need opinions from other mums about how to cope with my daughter.

My Daughter
Is in her midtwenties, she is studying a professional course at uni, and therefore fitness to practise is an issue. Before last year she had been the almost perfect daughter.

Background.
Last year she met a guy at work, She mentioned him in passing, but never in detail.Both my daughter and the guy were employed by the university, but he was the equivalent of a security guard.

At some point last November she had major bruising on her face, she said another student did it.

In April, what can only be described as revenge porn was sent to my snap chat and all her friends and posted on her fb profile using her phone. My daughter denied all knowledge of it.

My family are religiously conservative, and therefore her friends are similar, they stopped talking to her because sex outside marriage is shameful.

Our Pastor knew this was happening, so he called the domestic violence helpline who refereed the matter to the police. She told the police about her boyfriend, but never named him.

Also in April she almost got charged with harassment, because her phone made several calls to other students numbers. She said it could have been her boyfriend, and he always used her phone. The university cop said it was a convenient excuse, and her boyfriend was made up. He also said lying to the police was a crime, and if she insisted her boyfriend did it, and it could not be proved things would be worse.

The university police office then went on leave for about a month.And the anxiety surrounding not knowing what would happen was stressful for my daughter.

She tried to kill herself, and then was seen by the crisis team. She says she told the doctor on the crisis team that she made her boyfriend up, so it was consistent with what she told the university police officer.

The police did not charge her cause they thought her mental health was deteriorating
She had a disciplinary from the university, and was fired from her job.

Fast forward to Jully, =broken arm, bruising, daughter says she fell down some stairs.

August-more revenge porn, threatening messages sent to her phone. My daughter reacts by smashing up her phone.

Current dilema
Due to police involvement, occupational health is evaluating her finesses to practise. As part of this she has been refered to the CMHT, and I have asked to be involved.

If they agree to my request, should I mention her boyfriend or will it make things worse?

OP posts:
mindutopia · 09/09/2017 19:48

Based on what you've described, I assume the boyfriend is in fact real and she has lied and said he doesn't exist to protect him. Being in an abusive relationship should not affect fitness to practice as far as I'm concerned and is a criminal issue on his part. If you believe the boyfriend is real and she is at risk of continued harm, never mind having her professional future ruined by him, then yes, I would mention the boyfriend if they interview you. I would hope this would mean she might get a referral to someone who could offer her some support in this situation. It sounds awful for both of you.

tiredoldcliche · 09/09/2017 19:55

Long post, short answer is NO.

She needs her family to help her !

PurpleDaisies · 09/09/2017 20:08

Why on earth would you be thinking about staying out of her life? She sounds like she's in an awful place and needs support not abandonment.

RancidOldHag · 09/09/2017 20:30

Have you actually met him?

Do you know for absolutely surebwhether he exists or not? I know you want to believe your DD, but how much of this can you be sure of?

isittimetogotobed · 09/09/2017 20:34

I would contact some domestic abuse support services and get advice

Original poster
WorriedandExhausted · 09/09/2017 22:14

I don't want to be the interfering mum. She is 25 so theoretically an adult. She says, she wants me to stay away because she is not comfortable with me having seen her having sex.

It breaks my heart to see what she is going through. But she barely acknowledges she has a boyfriend/had a boyfriend. If I do say she has a boyfriend, then it means she lied to the university cop.

I asked her what she is going to say to her key worker, and she said "absolutely nothing, no one wanted to listen when I was trying to get help"

I am just scared of making things worse for her, especially as I have no idea what is happening.

Its not a matter of believing my daughter, or not, she actually hasn't said much about him since April.

I live in London, she attends a university in a different town.I have not met him, I have chatted to him on skype many times, I have unfortunately seen snap chats of him being intimate with my daughter. For all I know she could just be extra clumsy and have a interest in rough sex!

Most of what I know about him has come from other sources eg;

-Her friends saying she is not behaving respectfully or modestly and i need to discipline her because she is dating.
-Her Pastor saying he has concerns about her safety
-He threatened her older sister(DD1), for refusing to tell him her new phone number(DD2)...but DD2 hasnt changed her number, she just broke her phone and refuses to replace it. The police gave him a Harassment Warning Notice for that.

He is real, and he is somehow connected to my daughter. But my daughter denies it.

Thank you for all your advice and questions, it helped me to think things through.

My first step will be domestic abuse support services, whilst she decides if he is real or not.

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 09/09/2017 23:59

Hang on if the police have spoken to him why is she getting told off for wasting police time because he doesn't exist? I don't get it

Angelf1sh · 10/09/2017 00:01

In any event she needs help for her mental and physical health and the police need to be informed again about the probable serious assaults he's committed.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 10/09/2017 00:23

Are you American? Because a lot of your language is not British yet you claim to live in London.

NotTheFordType · 10/09/2017 00:26

"cop"
"pastor"
Where do you live?

Belindaboom · 10/09/2017 00:30

I take it the university cop is some kind of equivalent of security? It sounds like a right mess but your daughter needs you.

If you were my mum, I'd be devastated at what you'd seen. Why not try agreeing with her you won't talk about that aspect of things?

With the religious aspects - I'd also have a chat with her explaining you're not angry or judgemental over it. You understand she's an adult and she's free to sleep with who she wants. Then draw a line under the sex bit of it all.

Belindaboom · 10/09/2017 00:32

Pastor is common in the uk ford - it's generally in independent churches you find pastors rather than ministers.

MilesHuntsWig · 10/09/2017 00:46

Her friends are not real friends with that view. IMO you need to park whatever religious conservatism overlays your relationship, accept your daughter is not in a good place for whatever reason and help her out of it.

Whatever is the truth she obviously needs help, support, love and a lot of it. Can she transfer to a uni closer to home and finish her qualifications nearer to you?

Ellisandra · 10/09/2017 00:47

Before last year she had been the almost perfect daughter?!!!

Sorry, but I'm struggling to find anything there to say she's been anything but perfect this year.

She's still the same lovely perfect daughter.
Only this year she's been physically assaulted, harassed, disbelieved by the police, had her uni and work like come crashing down around her...

And had her fucking useless narrow minded arsehole non-friends shun her for having sex.

Poor poor poor woman Angry

At least the pastor thought to involve the DV people. Perhaps he could go and sort of his fucking awful congregation or whatever they are, who have cast your poor daughter out when she's been shamed by an abusive criminal?

Have you walked away from this bloody awful religion that thinks it's OK to treat your daughter so poorly?

I would tell the mental health team everything. Including the impact of being shunned socially Angry

Ellisandra · 10/09/2017 00:50

Oh and when her friends told you to "discipline" a 25 year old woman for dating, did you tell them to fuck off?

Because I tell you now... if anyone dared say that to me about my adult daughter, my reaction would mean they'd never say it a second time.

FinallyDecidedOnUserName · 10/09/2017 01:17

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ferando81 · 10/09/2017 02:05

Your daughter needs your help and understanding.She is 25 but is as deluded as any Isis convert .She thinks this man is the love of her life but he is very dangerous-she maybe an adult but is acting like a child.
If God has built heaven and earth ,he alone can judge us for our actions -he doesn't need his followers to do so.You need to support your daughter as best you can -if you don't you might find that he judges you more harshly than he does your daughter.
He sounds evil

ferando81 · 10/09/2017 02:06

The boyfriend sounds evil

LondonLassInTheCountry · 10/09/2017 02:12

This all sounds very odd to me..

If it is true. Then your daughter needs help and support

Original poster
WorriedandExhausted · 10/09/2017 07:35

I am not British, but we do live in London.

DD1 and DD2 are apostolic pentecostals, because my parents are. Pentecostals call their religious ministers pastor.

I quit church because of how petty the members were, example telling me that my daughter is dressed like a man in trousers. Or not letting their children come to my house because I was setting a bad example by cutting my hair.

Yes, her friends are sh*t, but its probably a good thing. She liked them because they dress like her, dont drink, watch TV or listen to secular music. At least now she can get less conservative friends.

Police Interaction
March-April

  1. Pastor reports DV concerns to "Northern Police Force", they try talking to my daughter(DD2). She does not name him, and says she does not want him to get intro trouble.

Late April

  1. Police officer assigned to university asks her why her phone was making harassing calls. First she says it was her boyfriend, he wants a name so he can investigate. Then she says she made him up

August

  1. Met Police become aware when DD1 reports him for threatening her. He gets non harrasment warning about DD1 Confused. DD1 is less at risk than DD2.
Mean while DD2 says- I am so sorry, I should have given him my number, I will get my phone sorted. Police try to tell her that no one is entitled to her number. DD2 is very apologetic.

Do Police forces automatically talk to each other? If the Met knew what was going on in uni town shouldn't they have asked more questions?

I just wish she would make up her mind.She either likes him and will protect him, in which case she needs to avoid so many injuries.Or he is a threat and she needs to speak out against him, and explain her injuries.

I want to go into mum mode, and make her stay in London, make sure everyone involved in her care is on the same page, and give her time away from her boyfriend, so she can think.

OP posts:
Cobblersandhogwash · 10/09/2017 07:42

Go into mum mode. Do it. And even if she ignores you, she will know you love her and care for her and look out for her. Be her rock.

It sounds absolutely terrible what she's going through.

LavenderDoll · 10/09/2017 07:46

You need to go into mum mode

This man sounds dangerous

jeaux90 · 10/09/2017 07:48

This one of the times when you push yourself into your daughter's life and tell her she has nothing to be ashamed of, that you love her and you are there to help. All this other crap about what people say or think is utterly irrelevant. She sounds like she is in. A horrific situation and she needs your support.

prettywhiteguitar · 10/09/2017 07:49

If you can find out the name and address of the boyfriend you can report him for domestic violence against your daughter.

Chillyegg · 10/09/2017 07:56

Bloody helll the poor love. Go into mum mode. Get her home.
Contact IDAS they operate in the north.

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