Should I stay out of my daughters life

[WorriedandExhausted]

Hi Everyone

Never had a reason to join before now, but I figured out I need opinions from other mums about how to cope with my daughter.

My Daughter
Is in her midtwenties, she is studying a professional course at uni, and therefore fitness to practise is an issue. Before last year she had been the almost perfect daughter.

Background.
Last year she met a guy at work, She mentioned him in passing, but never in detail.Both my daughter and the guy were employed by the university, but he was the equivalent of a security guard.

At some point last November she had major bruising on her face, she said another student did it.

In April, what can only be described as revenge porn was sent to my snap chat and all her friends and posted on her fb profile using her phone. My daughter denied all knowledge of it.

My family are religiously conservative, and therefore her friends are similar, they stopped talking to her because sex outside marriage is shameful.

Our Pastor knew this was happening, so he called the domestic violence helpline who refereed the matter to the police. She told the police about her boyfriend, but never named him.

Also in April she almost got charged with harassment, because her phone made several calls to other students numbers. She said it could have been her boyfriend, and he always used her phone. The university cop said it was a convenient excuse, and her boyfriend was made up. He also said lying to the police was a crime, and if she insisted her boyfriend did it, and it could not be proved things would be worse.

The university police office then went on leave for about a month.And the anxiety surrounding not knowing what would happen was stressful for my daughter.

She tried to kill herself, and then was seen by the crisis team. She says she told the doctor on the crisis team that she made her boyfriend up, so it was consistent with what she told the university police officer.

The police did not charge her cause they thought her mental health was deteriorating
She had a disciplinary from the university, and was fired from her job.

Fast forward to Jully, =broken arm, bruising, daughter says she fell down some stairs.

August-more revenge porn, threatening messages sent to her phone. My daughter reacts by smashing up her phone.

Current dilema
Due to police involvement, occupational health is evaluating her finesses to practise. As part of this she has been refered to the CMHT, and I have asked to be involved.

If they agree to my request, should I mention her boyfriend or will it make things worse?

I have some experience with student welfare, dv and fitness to practice, message me if I can help.

I would absolutely push into her life.

It'll never get easier for her to get over the fact you've seen the revenge porn until you've spent time together being normal, for one thing. For another, she needs to know you care and will stand by her.

The police forces don't automatically talk to each other, so you may need to inform one force of a linked case with the other Constabulary.

Be there for your daughter as much as you can.

is anything involving the same group of people a linked case?

Or do they need to meet specific requirements?

Update

I spoke to women's aid they recommended that I am just supportive, and I give her time make choices. They think that if I start making choices for her she may feel powerless.

CMHT- they are concerned about her safety. She refuses to talk to her key worker because they said her boyfriend was made up. But now they know the boyfriend is real. We had a talk about her moving back to London, and if they should consider doing a care transfer to London, or to another team in her uni town.

She needs support, but since she has dug her heels in and refused to talk they have
a) Transfer to another care team in uni town
b)discharge to primary care, if they can prove she she will protect herself from the BF
c)Transfer to CMHT in London

University- It seems to be going alright, she has been back for almost 2 weeks and she has not complained.

Daughter- she says she does not want to talk about it until she see's me on Saturday.

Thank you all for your help and advice. I will wait to see what she wants to say on Saturday. If I still think its a risky situation, I will be contacting the police and her university.

I just wish she would make up her mind.She either likes him and will protect him, in which case she needs to avoid so many injuries.Or he is a threat and she needs to speak out against him, and explain her injuries.

Please, please take some time to educate yourself about coercive control and domestic abuse.

Your daughter needs you to have the patience of a saint at the moment and let her know that, whatever happens and whenever she turns to you, you will be there for her and provide her with a safe place to be. Tell her that you won't judge her or blame her, that she is a wonderful person with a great future ahead of her and you will always love her for who she is.

Domestic abusers have enormous power over their victims. They can hurt them badly and make them feel like they deserved it. They can persuade them that they don't deserve to be loved and that nobody cares about them.

If she manages to walk away from this man and stay away, your DD will look back on this time and wonder how he had such control over her and why she made so many poor decisions. At the moment she is caught up in the abuse and unable to see it for what it is.

This man is alienating her friends from her deliberately. He will try to stop you from supporting her too. He clearly punishes her very badly if she gives a hint of stepping out of line and she will be frightened.

She can be terrified of him and in love with him at the same time.

She's an adult and you can't stop her going back to him but you can make sure she knows that you will always be there for her.

I know what this feels like