Not cut out for parenting

[hotchocolatepop]

I love my son and would do anything for him but I genuinely feel like I'm not cut out for this.

He is 2.6 and so demanding and naughty. We can't take him anywhere.

He bites, shouts, screams. He hits and kicks when i need to get him in / out of the car.

He wont walk nicely and will run off at any given opportunity.

Everything is "mine" at the moment which is driving me insane. He will shout it at people walking past who haven't even taken any notice of what it is he is claiming is his.

He jumps all over the furniture and beds and generally just creates chaos in every room. He won't listen if he is told no and finds it funny.

He occasionally sleeps through the night but not consistently so we're constantly tired.

I have him at home on my own 6 days a week whilst Oh is at work or doing his hobby on a Saturday.

It just seems whenever we're out he's the naughty kid.

The only thing that keeps him entertained is the iPad but I don't really like him having that too much but it's the only way I can keep him occupied.

I'm due another soon and I'm literally dreading what it's going to be like.

If you've got issues with your OH now, OP, things are going to get catastrophically worse when you have a second. Honestly. You are going to have to sit down with him before DC2 arrives and sort out division of responsibilities. If you can't come to some kind of reasonable compromise, you will need to extract yourself before you're unable to do so. One child is strain on a relationship. Two children - with such a relatively small gap between them - is napalm unless you have a rock-solid relationship and clear responsibilities in place.

X-post with OP - because your toddler issues are made exponentially worse by your lack of support. There's not much you can 'do' about an under-three except ride the mo-fo out, but you need support to maintain your own sanity.

Your DS doesn't sound 'naughty'. He sounds like a normal two year old. My DS2 has just turned three and it's like living with Keith Moon. He's starting to come out of it thank fuck but it's damage control and partner support until they get enough language to start being able to reason with.

I tried to have the support conversion last night and it didn't go well.

I will just have to ride it out on my own.

Don't you believe you deserve better?

Yes.

I have no income, no family and no where else to go sonny choices are limited.

Unfortunately, OP, your dp is a big part of why you are feeling so despondent and exhausted, and what you have said on here had revealed some deeper and very worrying issues (your complete lack of security, for example), so it's not going to help you in the long term to compartmentalise your relationship and pretend your toddler is the only issue. Your toddler, btw, sounds challenging but absolutely not off the scale for 2.5. Expecting him to 'walk nicely', in particular, is not realistic. Mine were mostly in a buggy until 3+ when we needed to get places (lots of walking and public transport, city life, I didn't drive). When no. 2 came (similar age gap to what yours will be) he was in a sling. It won't be too long until you can get your ds to use a balance bike or similar for some journeys, which might help channel his energy. It sounds a bit like he is struggling with the impending change in your lives as well as no longer having nursery to tire him out a bit. 'Naughty' literally means 'worthless' - worth naught/nothing. I cringe hearing it applied to children. It would be better for you both if you could get out of that mindset.

Re your dp, you have manoeuvred yourself into a very, very difficult situation, but tbh I do think you need to start planning for being on your own. He has you exactly where he wants you and if he can silence you by making sure your attempts at talking about things 'don't go well', then he has no need to change whatsoever. But I can assure you that growing up with a father like this will be a lot worse for your dc long-term than some upheaval when they are very small. Speak to CAB, perhaps Women's Aid (you don't need to be being battered to talk to them) and then make a very cold hard assessment of your relationship and your dp's behaviour.

Thing is, your toddler's behaviour and your DP's are related. Believe me I am not preaching because my own DP was just as thoughtless. However, part of what makes your DS seem such hard work is you never getting a break. I actually don't think your DP is so unreasonable in wanting to maintain his hobby as long as you have similar rights. Suggest to him that he does his hobby every other Saturday, especially once the new baby arrives, and that you have the alternate Saturday to go out and do something for you. And that Sundays should therefore be family days that you all spend together and he does 50% of the parenting. Unless you think your DS' behaviour is due to a diagnosable condition rather than feisty toddlerishness, it sounds as if getting out with him as much as possible, wearing him out and making sure you have a support network of friends with small kids that you can hang out with to make it all a bit less relentless is the way forward on weekdays, and shared parenting at weekends is key. Also, focus any spare energy on getting another job in a few months/a year, once your baby is no longer tiny. Not all of us are cut out for full-time parenting; it doesn't make you a lesser parent, just one who may enjoy it more when the DC are a little bit older. The baby/toddler days are really hard work, and you don't have to conclude you're a failure just because you find them difficult. I had 2 boys 21 months apart, who are now 12 and 10. They have their moments but I can honestly say life is so much better and I feel so much more like me again now that the routine and drudgery of parenting tiny people is behind me.

I'm in a similar boat OP. Toddler is 2.5 and I'm finding it very hard going right now. The tantrums and whining are something else. He has also started hitting me in frustration and throwing things. I'm also a SAHM.

My husband also has a weekend hobby that keeps him out of the house for up to 6 hours. He also works away from home a lot. I've put up with his hobby and very unsocial working hours for over 10 yrs, but I finally snapped last week. He offered to stop playing, said he was disappointed as he lives his hobby but that he needs to step up and prioritise us. He was right - something HAD to give.

Your husband needs to understand (as mine eventually did) that they cannot be selfish, they cannot have it all. Whether they like it or not they have to prioritise family life over a hobby for the sake of their wife's emotional health.

It's also bullshit that none of the other wives kick up a fuss. I guarantee there will be a lot of other pissed of wives and selfish arse husbands doing exactly the same as yours.

How do I get this thread moved to relationships as it's gone from bad to worse

OP, hope you're ok.

Definitely try reins, I have had two bolters and it's awful. Also perhaps he is overstimulated with all the different activities. Mine do have additional needs but there is always a payoff when we do fun things out of the house. I try to anticipate it and plan in cooldown time, but it doesn't always work.

Op are you ok? Talk to me, I'm jere

You ok

OP I have reported to MNHQ and asked for the thread to be moved to relationships. Keep talking, I hope you're ok

OP, we're moving this over now.

I have contacted the local housing association as I have been told I have until the baby is born to "sort myself out"

What do they mean 'sort yourself out?'

Apologies not the housing association.

Your husband is kicking you out because you need him to help out more??

If he hadn't already, he is showing his true colours now.
You should get some legal advice.

Squirrel that seems to be the case

Only he is has now turned it around to make it sound like my decision so he doesn't look like a twat

Wow.

I sensed your original 'do it alone' meant carrying on as you are, still cohabiting with your 'D'P but maintaining your current level of responsibilities. That is not sustainable, as I'm assuming you'd still be doing his housework and cooking for him, while still doing solo childcare. The resentment would continue to build then explode once a baby was added to the mix.

Since he has clearly revealed himself to be an even bigger twat than we originally suspected, doing it genuinely alone without him would be infinitely more sustainable than your original plan, even with a toddler and a baby.

Good luck OP

I'm not sure how though.

I have no income. No savings. The cars in his name. The house isn't joint. We're not actually married (although I know I referenced wives originally) so no legal leg to stand (yes I will get flamed for having kids and not being married).

You won't get flamed for no being married and having kids OP. The main reason that people talk about being married once you have kids here is for the exact reason that you are entitled to a lot more if you decide to leave.

I'm your shoes I would get down to the CAB and also see if you can see a solicitor. Some offer a free half hour of advice to give you a ballpark. There is also rightsofwomen.org.uk/ and www.entitledto.co.uk/

Check both of these out, to find out where you stand legally and financially.

You don't have to live like this. One step at a time.

You do have a leg to stand on in terms of getting maintenance for the children.