Therapists and domestic abuse... AAAAaaaagggghhhhhhhhh!!!

[EasyToEatTiger]

My relationship with my husband has always had its ups and downs and from early on (a couple of years in probably) we agreed to see a marriage guidance counsellor. For a long time I took the responsibility seriously and for a really really long time I had no idea that the way my husband treated me was beyond the pale and I ignored or didn't notice the red flags that were being waved about under my nose. We were treated as a couple. There were many things that just weren't spoken about, and the cracks were nicely patched.

I wonder now how much of this couple therapy is what has kept me thinking things were my fault, given that we had it for so many years. One counsellor specifically blamed me for being angry when I was trying to tell her that my husband had rages. Another, when she knew that I had been to the police and to WA insisted on seeing us together and totally minimising his behaviour. When my husband told a child psychiatrist that our daughter was a psychopath, she simply responded saying, No she isn't.

It has taken some disgusting behaviour of my husband to realise the full extent of what he is like and how he has always been.

I am pretty furious with myself for thinking somehow it was something to do with me, and believing he understood the impact of his behaviour on me and now our children. I am also pretty upset and feel as though I have been led down the garden path by couples counsellors who have emphatically failed me, not least the last one we saw together, who is apparently qualified to deal with domestic abuse.

Which bit of domestic abuse do they fail to understand? Grrrrrr

Sorry Easy I just dumped my experiences on you then.

I hope things improve for you.

That sounds awful, Longdays. I used to often wonder what I was doing there, pretending. He used to boast about how long he could hold an erection. I think it was more likely that he'd de-sensitised his penis by wanking so much. He did sex AT me. There is a chasm between what my husband says and what he does.

He is off to his ego massage therapist again today. It is mashing my head that his reality is so off kilter with mine.
Last night when I was sorting out the laundry my daughter told me to stop complaining. I asked her if she was telling me to shut up. My husband is the only person in the house who is allowed to complain, usually about trivial things, and there is no question that I am the person being chosen to lay into. I said to my daughter that we must be able to raise our concerns and be listened to. Not to be told to shut up.

When I split from my exh he went to see a therapist about his anger issues. He went twice and then said his therapist told him he was cured as he didn't have a drug or alcohol issue.

Luckily he had moved out by then and I'd started to enjoy the calm in an evening. I wasn't going to go back.

The advice is that if you are in an abusive relationship, do not attend joint counselling together. It makes more harm than good.
Attending separate counselling is much more productive.
I went to relate and when we got out, me and my husband were at each others' throat. That was not helpful in any way.
Individual counselling however, was a life saver for me.

That chill wind in the car driving home from a couples counselling session is quite something.

I'm not sure what's more shocking by reading this post. Reading about the amount of terrible counsellors or the fact that that many partners feel that couples therapy could work when you're in an abusive relationship. The only therapy that will ever have a chance of working in an abusive relationship is individual therapy with a specialised abuse counsellor, whether it be domestic or sexual. Work on your own stuff first. Work on what keeps you stuck in this relationship. If it's fear then work with the advocacy services that your counsellors can refer you too. If it's you that can't find the courage to leave then work on yourself to find out why and how you can find the courage to walk away and free yourself from a life of abuse. You do not deserve to be abused by anyone! Many people believe counsellors have the answers, no, you have the answers! No one knows you like you know yourself. Work individually during the relationship, the break up of the relationship and most importantly the aftermath of the relationship to ensure you don't go back or enter into another abusive relationship. The abuse cycle is strong and difficult to get out of. Same as your partner/ex partner. They need help, extreme help, individual help which most narcissists will never get. You and you alone are responsible for your own emotions and life choices it's down to you ultimately to make changes in your life to improve your life. Always shop around for the right counsellors. End counselling straight away if you and your counsellor are not a good fit. Go and find another one. Good therapy is about the relationship and trust is the foundation of any good therapeutic relationship. If you don't like or trust your therapist move on and do the same with your partner. Taking responsibility for your own life is the most empowering thing you could ever do!