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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is bloody typical, isn't it

27 replies

Nexoknight · 08/09/2017 21:51

Brief background: last year I came close to having an affair with a man I work with. He was married, so I backed away before anything happened, but the marriage clearly wasn't going well and he was unhappy. I didn't want to be the OW so I essentially turned him down (it was nicer than this but that's the bare bones of it). He then seemed to get things back on track with his wife, or so I thought, but we remained friends and for a while he was obviously still attracted to me. I really, really liked him but tried to keep this from him. I never really told him how I felt.

Fast forward to now. We seem to have become kind of confidantes at work - nothing major but we talk about stuff, e.g. I told him I had an interview for another job etc - and we are essentially work friends. The flirtiness from his side seems to have evaporated, and I'm also always just friendly in return (although I'm so physically and mentally attracted to him I wonder if he picks up on this?) anyway, he told me a few days ago that his marriage was absolutely over (his wife's instigation), and tonight, there was just the two of us in the office, only for 20 mins or so, and he told me that they've discussed it all, he's buying a flat and he wants his wife and children to stay in the house. Afterwards, I kicked myself for not being more overt, or for missing the opportunity to say something lighthearted (but making a point) like 'she must be mad', to indicate that I like him. But I also think this would have been in bad taste, given that he was talking about divorce etc.

A year ago ( which is when we got close) I would have jumped at this information from him (sorry, just being honest) but I feel now that the moment for us to get close has passed (in his eyes) and he just sees me as a sort of friend, nothing more, and I'm struggling to deal with this tbh!

As an extra downside, he has got friendly (in a flirty way) with another female colleague and I am dreading the fact that they might have an affair. She's younger, is probably up for a fling, and is probably seen as a 'lighter' option than me (I'm mid 40's, like him). Dreading because I am pretty besotted with him, and I cannot believe he is effectively going to be unattached and 'available', but my 'moment' has passed. I feel gutted about it. I'm wondering if I should let him know I'm interested, or whether this would just be embarrassing, edpecially as we work together.

I'm not sure if I have any questions but I just feel so down about it all, and cannot believe my bad luck.

I'm being ridiculous I know.

OP posts:
Inertia · 08/09/2017 21:55

If you got together with him you'd never be able to trust him, given his propensity to chance his arm with colleagues. You don't know where he's been over the last year either. Sounds like a lucky escape.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 08/09/2017 21:57

Yes fuck that. He has already obviously moved on to his next victim. He obviously doesn't car that much about you anymore.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 08/09/2017 21:59

These type of men never change and you have had a lucky escape with your own integrity attached.

SweetLuck · 08/09/2017 22:03

I doubt very much that 20 minute conversation was your only chance!

However...

a. You work together = messy
b. He is getting divorced = people often go a little crazy during their divorces, not necessarily a good time to start a relationship.
c. E mail him suggesting going for a drink/lunch etc. since you're clearly not going to listen to the above Grin I think you see shagging him as your 'reward' for being good whilst he was married.

Original poster
Nexoknight · 08/09/2017 22:15

Thanks all. SweetLuck, oh yes you're probably right! But I feel I'm now in competition with younger in favour work colleague - might be my imagination and paranoia though - and I would HATE to be turned down, however nicely.

Also, if we ended up DTD, I think it would be me getting hurt. He's just come out of a long marriage so doesn't that mean a 6/8/12 month shagfest? He's hardly going to be looking for any kind of relationship right now and I'm not sure I could cope with just a shag.

OP posts:
SweetLuck · 08/09/2017 22:26

I would say if you can't cope with just a shag then steer clear!

(Thats exactly what I would say to any mate of mine in the full knowledge that they would, of course, go ahead and shag home anyway.)

Even worse, he may shag you and then dump you for younger collueage. OH GOD CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW HORRIFIC THAT WOULD BE?!!!!

At the very least DO NOT DO ANY RUNNING AFTER HIM. Ignore my early post about e-mailing!

SweetLuck · 08/09/2017 22:27

My earlier post about emailing him was BAD ADVICE. Grin

Angelf1sh · 08/09/2017 22:31

Is this a second post? There was an almost identical thread a few weeks ago. Either way I'd say steer clear, if he's just out of a marriage and already flirting with a couple of colleagues then he's not a keeper.

Original poster
Nexoknight · 08/09/2017 23:18

Hi, no not a second post.

You're right, I'll have to stay clear for my own sanity. But it's bloody hard. If I'm honest, I want him to like me, be attracted to me as before and I'd like something to happen. We get on very well, have lots in common and we make each other laugh. That's what makes it so difficult.

Do people come back or is it gone for good? I don't really understand that really.

OP posts:
babycow38 · 08/09/2017 23:57

He liked the thrill of flirting with you when he was married, wife found out he was a cheating twat and kicked him out. Now single he's going to shag anything that moves, don't worry I guarantee he will get round to you when he's knocked back by the younger ladiesHmmHmm

SabineUndine · 09/09/2017 00:47

He was testing his pulling power with you because he wanted out of his marriage and wanted to feel he could attract someone else. You've served your purpose and he's now moved on. He's a jerk.

SweetLuck · 09/09/2017 01:16

To be fair, none of us really knows this guy's motivation. Equally it could be true that he is head over heels with the OP and has left his wife to free himself up for her. The point is that the OP should proceed with extreme caution.

Original poster
Nexoknight · 09/09/2017 01:37

Sabine and babycow, you could be right, or at least partly right. I think he did like the thrill of flirting and maybe he was testing but to be fair he never really pushed things with me. Not saying that makes it ok, but he certainly didn't actively try to get me into bed.

Sweet, oh if only, but I feel confident that's not the case. I just wish I could gauge whether there are any feelings towards me on his part. Short of asking him, and I can't face doing that!

OP posts:
babycow38 · 09/09/2017 01:48

Nexo, you work with him so in all seriousness I would proceed with absolute caution, it's hard that you have feelings for him but think about your job, reputation and how you would feel if you declared your feelings and they weren't reciprocatedSad If I were you l would be warm, friendly but keep it cool and wait and see how he proceeds, good luck with it thoughFlowers

Isetan · 09/09/2017 07:00

Missed your chance, really! He was married!

Married men in the market for a shag can't be relied upon for their honesty, mooning over this man is not a good look.

WhoreOfBabyliss · 09/09/2017 07:09

But OP, if he saw you as a genuine possible life partner he would have told you. He would have said that he can't live a lie with the wife when it's you he wants to be with, blah blah blah but he hasn't said any of this to you. The moment has passed but it has passed for him. I admire you for not throwing yourself at him and assuming that you are next in line for the role of partner.

What others have said here is right. He sounds like a player and now you will observe this over the next few weeks and months. Don't look away either because it will help you 'see' him and you will look back in a while and wonder WTF you saw in him.

RainyApril · 09/09/2017 07:22

He sounds revolting. Why is he discussing his marriage problems, and inappropriately flirting, with work colleagues? I wouldn't believe his marriage was over until he was living in the (potentially mythical) new flat.

Gorgosparta · 09/09/2017 07:33

Firstly you dont actually knoe thry have split up. You know a man who has form for looking outside his marriage has told you that its over and he is moving out.

Married people often spin that line. You know, since you stopped flirting, he has started flirting with someone else. And you think tgere is a good chance he is having an affair with her

So his flirtation with you wasnt important. It was an ego boostm when you cooled off he went elsewhere. What does that say about him? He is/was married and flirting with whoever would flirt back, until he found one willing to shag him.

You havent missed out on anything. He has (according to him) just separated with his wife. He hasnt even moved out yet, if uts true at all. Why would you want to pursue a man who behaves like this, who is still living with his wife?

The flirtatpion was an ego boost. It wasnt about you. When you dpidnt provide what he needed, he moved on to someone who would.

Gorgosparta · 09/09/2017 07:47

Actually thinking about this similar has happened at my work.

2 senior managers (same role but different offices) started working together closely. Both married. The man work in our office was rarely at our office. Everyone started talking. 2 directors asked me why he was always in the other office. I said i didnt know. I was not getting involved.

Anyway everyone started talking about it, many taking the piss about them mooning over eachother and being completely unprofessional. Then they both ended their marriages.

6 months down the line the man has been bollocked for his unprofessional realtionship and behaviour and its damaged his reputation. The female also did this before with another manager a year ago and now totally ruined her reputation.

I know the man and his wife are getting back together and started dating eachother again. Also the shit hit the fan last week as he has also slept with an entry level employee and she has told everyone, which is her choice. I give it until monday for the gossip to get to the other office and to the woman he is seeing.

My point is that both of them look like twats. Nobody respects them as professionals. In offices the flirtations are obvious and everyone remembers that it started when both were married. The woman is likely to be dumped (unless she breaks if off first) when the man returns to his wife. And she is getting cheated on. I suspect he will tell her its all lies.

So she has a shit relationship, ruined her reputation at work and left her husband and home......and what for?

The mans reputation has been ruined. I hope the OW and the wife dump him.

Its totally not worth it.

mandmandmandm · 09/09/2017 08:09

I was in an almost identical situation to you. Four years ago married colleague was about to leave his wife and get a divorce: they are still together. He also moved on to flirting with a younger, prettier colleague when he realised I wasn't interested. I suspect that there is more than flirting involved now, and if not the way he behaves with colleague suggests that he has little respect for his wife (unless they have a very open relationship).

I suggest trying to put some distance between you and colleague otherwise emotions may start to affect your work. I mourned the loss of married man as a professional friend for a lot longer than it took me to get over his flirting with someone else.

WhateverNameIsStillAvailable · 09/09/2017 08:13

He was married and obviously flirted with you. Who knows who else. He probably cheated but we don't know that. At the very least he flirted.
Would you want to be that wife???
If you got with him he will flirt and who knows what else with other women. As he has already moved on.
He didn't respect his marriage what makes you think it would be different with you???

LilyMcClellan · 09/09/2017 10:59

Is it only me who finds it a bit grim to be considering making a play for a colleague three seconds after his marriage has ended?

Gorgosparta · 09/09/2017 11:08

No lily its not.

Gorgosparta · 09/09/2017 11:27

Sorry that should say

No lily you're not.

It is indeed grim

Original poster
Nexoknight · 09/09/2017 15:39

Sorry if I've offended anybody. Not my intention. I've known my colleague for two years and I see him as a friend. He was clearly miserable about aspects of their marriage and he has been open about that. The marriage has been in trouble for as long as I've known him and he is now separated, so technically at least he is free to do what he likes. In terms of decency, respecting his marriage etc, of course that's not the right thing, but in terms of vows and being married, that's over.

OP posts:
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