Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Infidelity - is it ever the betrayed's fault?

60 replies

googlecoffee · 08/09/2017 21:05

Being on the receiving end of infidelity is an absolute bitch of a situation, but what made it worse for me was my partner telling me that if I had listened to his problems and not "shut the relationship down" it wouldn't have happened.

I've googled and read many a view/opinion on this and there seems to be 2 schools of thought;

  1. A person is not responsible for the actions of causing another to be unfaithful. That a person is prone to being a cheat even when in a perfect relationship.

  2. A person is responsible for causing the actions of another to be unfaithful. That if the relationship had been perfect it wouldn't have happened.

I suppose my question is - is everyone capable of being a cheat in a bad relationship?
Or are people prone to cheat regardless of the relationship or not?!!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2017 21:16

First of all, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. That's a ridiculous notion. Secondly, the cheater is always responsible for their actions. Even if their partner is treating them terribly, the decision to cheat is on their shoulders. Of they are that unhappy, they should have the maturity to end the relationship and then feel free to do what they want.

jeaux90 · 08/09/2017 21:21

I think in an abusive relationship yes it could cause you to cheat and hopefully find some comfort and courage in it.

Giraffey1 · 08/09/2017 21:23

It seems to me that blaming the partner for your infidelity is a cop out. If you aren't happy in your relationship then try and fix it. But don't do nothing, and have an affair and then say, I'd never have done that if you'd been more loving / a better partner / less argumentative / willing to work on things.

LittleWitch · 08/09/2017 21:24

It's never the betrayed's fault, but it's not as black and white as it is always portrayed on here where the cheater is always a bastard and cheated is always a saint.

annandale · 08/09/2017 21:30

What Littlewitch said. Infidelity stories are weird on here.

Northernparent68 · 08/09/2017 21:38

It can be the betrayed parties fault

MaisyPops · 08/09/2017 21:42

It's never the betrayed's fault, but it's not as black and white as it is always portrayed on here where the cheater is always a bastard and cheated is always a saint
This so much.

It's not the betrayed's fault, but I do accept that sometimes life and situations make it more easy for somebody to make poor choices.

I don't think it's black and white and I don't think the subtleties of situations can really be explained on infidelity threads. It's never ok, but I think sometimes I read threads and think 'i can see how that happened'.

user1480334601 · 08/09/2017 21:44

Never an excuse to cheat. If unhappy finish with partner before moving on, not the other way around. It makes thinks messy and is unfair

Desmondo2016 · 08/09/2017 22:42

I take full responsibility for cheating but it was brief overlap of relationships and gave me the strength to get out of the abusive one after 17 years. I wouldn't blame my first husband for the affair as such but I feel zero remorse :)

WinnieTheMe · 08/09/2017 22:59

I don't think it's the betrayed person's fault for not being perfect, but I do think infidelity can be a symptom of something else being wrong rather than the weird stories here where the unfaithful party is always just purely wicked and evil.

WinchestersInATardis · 08/09/2017 23:06

I think the problem is that there are a lot of serial cheaters out there who make a habit of blaming their partners for their own bad choices.
When you've tried so hard to save your marriage, doing everything you can to keep it together, and desperately done the pick me dance, it can be a real kick in the teeth to hear other people shrug it off as probably your own fault that your spouse strayed.

Is everyone capable of being a cheat in a bad relationship?
Many people would, sure. But definitely not everyone. Ultimately, it's a huge betrayal of trust within the most intimate kind of relationship people have.
I know how badly it hurts. I wouldn't do it to my worst enemy.

Shankarankalina · 08/09/2017 23:13

I decided a long time ago not to entertain any revisionism and blame-placing. By either of us. No blame acceptance or hair-shirting either. Because there was no way I was reconciling with ex, it seemed pointless and would only pick at scabs.

PacificDogwod · 08/09/2017 23:17

Cheating is an active choice IMO.

Yes, the relationship may not be perfect, but making the choice to cheat rather than addressing whatever the problems are OR splitting up is on the cheater's head.

justanothernameagain · 08/09/2017 23:18

My ex was abusive and wouldn't leave me alone. I tried to leave him countless times and he wormed his way back into my life or would refuse to leave. The police were involved eventually.

I feel no guilt or remorse for being unfaithful to him. I don't consider it a normal situation.

CanIBuffalo · 08/09/2017 23:25

Except in cases of abuse, or other major issues like long term illness etc both people can be responsible for the state of the marriage but the decision to cheat rather than leave first is a poor decision and the fault of the cheater.

empra · 08/09/2017 23:52

I was in the same shitty marriage and I didn't cheat

Rarerabbit · 09/09/2017 00:44

If you are a cheat then you are a cheat imo. Simples. You leave the marriage first ffs. If it is shitty then you leave and then move on. Leaving for someone else is a cowards way out.

My stbxh left me for ow. Blamed me....but it was him tring to absolve his conscience.

If it is abusive or not right then leave first. Don't start something else.

justanothernameagain · 09/09/2017 01:02

If it is abusive or not right then leave first.

That just shows you understand fuck all about abuse.

if it was as each as just leaving then there wouldn't be women up and down the country in abusive relationships.

I remember one of the many times I tried to kick my ex out when he was drunk and he told me he'd go attack one of my male friends if he left the house.

He would have done it too, he was a violent deranged prick. You have no fucking idea what people go through.

I was younger and out of my depth and I didn't know how to handle it.

He wrecked my life. I tried to leave him so many, many times but he manipulated and threatened me. My friendships will never be the same again.

I never accepted him back deliberately. He'd get into my house - several times by breaking in towards the end. and once he was there he'd hang about until he decided we were together again And the safest thing to do was to go along with it. If you confronted him - especially when he was drunk or high - it was too fucked up. I was totally worn down by it.

What I SHOULD have done was call the police as soon as it became obvious he was fucking deranged. But I was young and had no experinece of this. I was ashamed of what he was doing and didn't have mumsnet. Thank fuck I didn't have his children - he was trying to get me pregnant.

So, fuck him. An abusive relationship is not a real relationship. Expecially when one party wants to go and the other won't get their fucking hooks out of them.

Why should anyone feel they need to be faithful to someone in thouse circumstances?

ferando81 · 09/09/2017 01:29

If you are in a crap relationship you need to man up and tell your partner your not happy and not cheat.Leave them and then start a new relationship

exhaustedmumof4 · 09/09/2017 09:40

My husband is an addict, our relationship has been bad for a long time. There was loss of trust and loss of intimacy over a long period due to his drug use, and my resulting anger and resentment. We were both isolated, but only he made the decision to cheat. There were choices, he made his.

MsGameandWatching · 09/09/2017 09:46

I think in an abusive relationship yes it could cause you to cheat and hopefully find some comfort and courage in it.

This.

I think it can give you strength to get out too. I don't think cheating is always a reprehensible thing. There's a place for the Exit Affair in my opinion. I've seen a friend in a horrible abusive relationship, who was told for years how ugly and useless she was, she was utterly ground down and terrified. The NM helped her find strength, raised her self esteem and she managed to leave. Took a beating on the way though Sad

Guavaf1sh · 09/09/2017 09:52

Anyone saying this is a black or white situation is hugely naive. It's all grey. People have different thresholds for cheating and stressors can come from a poor relationship, abuse, work, culture and all sorts of things. Certain people would cheat in situations others would not and everyone has some sort of limit. Same with killing and drugs and all that. People who say they wouldn't do either of these ever are also deluding themselves. We are all fallible. We are all human

lovemylover · 09/09/2017 10:08

There are serial cheaters and others who wouldnt even have thought they would ever cheat
I think it depends on the situation
I had a serial cheater ex h, but i know someone who has had a sexless marriage for years, and wife wouldnt get help, just refused. and a very controlling person
I wouldnt blame him for finding someone else, hes not the type you would ever think would cheat

PacificDogwod · 09/09/2017 10:16

The vast majority of cheaters are not seeking love and comfort in another relationship due to pernicious abuse at home - I think abuse is a valid explanation why somebody is not faithful in their relationship.

Most cheaters cheat because they can and it fluffs their ego.

MaisyPops · 09/09/2017 10:24

I think most cheaters (excluding serial cheats) are just decent people who make crap decisions. I don't believe most people actively search for someone on the side. It probably a bit of flirting that fuffs their ego, a friendship that strays into an emotional affair etc

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.