Infidelity - is it ever the betrayed's fault?

[googlecoffee]

Being on the receiving end of infidelity is an absolute bitch of a situation, but what made it worse for me was my partner telling me that if I had listened to his problems and not "shut the relationship down" it wouldn't have happened.

I've googled and read many a view/opinion on this and there seems to be 2 schools of thought;

1. A person is not responsible for the actions of causing another to be unfaithful. That a person is prone to being a cheat even when in a perfect relationship.

2. A person is responsible for causing the actions of another to be unfaithful. That if the relationship had been perfect it wouldn't have happened.

I suppose my question is - is everyone capable of being a cheat in a bad relationship?
Or are people prone to cheat regardless of the relationship or not?!!

Sometimes the betrayed partner just will not listen, refuses to go for counselling, refuses to split up, will not engage in conversations about what needs to change and effectively backs their unhappy spouse into a corner.

I lived like that for five years before I met someone else. That person gave me the strength to fight for my life because the way he made me feel threw my unhappiness into sharp relief.

I'm not sorry.

I think that if you're even thinking about cheating you need to end your relationship. I've never cheated personally but with an ex I did think about it and it made me look at my relationship and realise how deeply unhappy I was. I left him

I think that life boxes some people into relationships that only go so far in making them happy. It may be the script, but wanting to stay at home and raise your children is very important and can keep someone with a partner who isn't quite right for them. Then along comes someone who is a much better fit......

It's much easier to leave when there are no kids...

I look at what my dad and my mum were like together and what their lives have been like since they split up, and i feel as if him cheating was the least bad thing he did to her. At least it gave her an absolute reason that it had to end. I'm sure he felt lonely and miserable in the marriage and I'm sure she was hard to live with at times but he never seemed to take into account all the shitty things he did to her. It's the reason I can well imagine surviving infidelity but if dh, for example, betrayed my security or my child the way my dad did, he'd be out without a second thought.

I don't agree with that Karma. I think it depends on the situation. I posted earlier that when you are in an abusive relationship that you might get some comfort from it and find the strength to leave. I honestly wish I would have had that opportunity, it might have made my situation bearable, I might have had some support. (I was 6000km away from family or any friends) my situation was horrendous with a 1 year old dd in tow.

Looking back an affair probably would have helped. Except that it's illegal where I was living so I would not have trodden that path

I'm just trying to say, it's not black and white.

Karma don't you feel you are contradicting yourself there?

yes definitely. I have a friend thats recently started cheating on her partner after him not wanting to have sex for two years. She tried to make it work, tried to be ok with it. She then ended up shagging someone else (obviously its a longer story than that). I think if you dont make any effort to take care of your partners needs at all, eventually they will either shag someone else or leave. She gave him many chances to try and improve things, but was really reluctant to leave as they got on so well in other respects. They even tried having an open relationship, but he wasnt happy with that either. Think he just expected her to be celibate. I know how hard she tried to make things work. Whilst she chose to cheat, I think she was driven to it

Bran that's sad. It's not just about the withdrawal of sex and enforced celibacy its the lack of intimacy that goes with it. I have read a couple of threads recently on people living in sexless relationships and they are bloody heartbreaking. And for anyone about to spout marriage vows purposeful withdrawal of intimacy also breaks one.

I don't understand why she didn't just leave him though?

No.

I think if you dont make any effort to take care of your partners needs at all, eventually they will either shag someone else or leave.

This is simply not true. Sex isn't everything and many people remain devoted to their marriage and spouse through ill health and many other circumstances.

I also think it's odd that for some reason people tend to hold up infidelity as the single worst thing you can do to your partner - the one big unforgiveable, short of actual violent abuse - which has never made sense to me.

I've been cheated on in the past, and while I acknowledge maybe I'm an outlier, in that sex has never been a massive defining thing for me in relationships, it never felt like the worst thing a partner could do, or even has done. But on MN it's often held up as the one unforgivable, that instantly wipes away anything awful the other party has done in the relationship. I think cheating is a shitty thing to do, absolutely, but it's one of many shitty things you can do and isn't intrinsically more or less excusable.

Abusive relationship or notthough, if you're able to leave after an affair, then you would be able to leave before you cheat. It's just easier to leave if you have another relationship to run to.

"This is simply not true. Sex isn't everything and many people remain devoted to their marriage and spouse through ill health and many other circumstances."

Yes, some people will, Some people also remain devoted to abusive partners, not just neglectful ones.
Its absolutely fine to be celibate if both parties are on the same page about it. If its just one of them, then you are likely gonna have big relationship problems.

The decision to cheat is always the fault of the cheater. However, if the underlying relationship is not good, that can easily be the fault of the betrayed party.

The cheater is still picking a bad way of dealing with that, and is at fault for making that choice, but that doesn't mean they are entirely at fault for the relationship not working before hand (and relationships need to work for both parties, not just one).

Sex isnt everything, doesnt equate to sex isnt important.

Its absolutely fine to be celibate if both parties are on the same page about it. If its just one of them, then you are likely gonna have big relationship problems.

Exactly. Sex is an important part of a romantic relationship for many people. Only on MN you risk being branded as unsympathetic and unloving if you dare say that because apparently it just shows you don't truly love your partner if you'd be unhappy to remain in a sexless relationship.

Sorry but I think if you're married and you made a commitment to be monogamous then cheating is one of the shittiest things you can do. It's cowardly and selfish and causes huge trauma to the betrayed. If you're not happy, you always have the option to work on the relationship and if that's out of the question then you can leave (abusive situations excepted). There's almost never an excuse for infidelity in a marriage. If you're partner isn't putting out you can always separate!

For me it is the deceit surrounding infidelity that is worse than looking outside your marriage. Just be honest. It's not that hard.

I would agree about the deceit!

If you are in a crap relationship you need to man up and tell your partner your not happy and not cheat.Leave them and then start a new relationship

Mumsnet is weird! I don't think anyone would say cheating is ok - but abuse is far worse! Re the above - if only it were that easy. Some of these posters are clearly lucky enough to have never been in an abusive relationship.

Sometimes they are exit affairs. Not the best way to leave - but certainly not as bad as an abusive partner! And as for - "just leave!" - either naive or completely without any sense of empathy! I can think of very many worse things.

One size doesn't fit all. Hate some of the judgey attitudes on here.